


How to Sleep with Your Professor

by orangina



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Daddy Issues, Kid Fic, M/M, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-14
Updated: 2016-09-12
Packaged: 2018-07-14 23:17:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 51,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7194953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orangina/pseuds/orangina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mats Hummels returns to school after five years of being a single dad and working low paying jobs. Turns out there's a lot to learn beyond what's in the syllabus.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, holy god, this is the 3rd time I've posted this fic and the 2nd time I've changed the title, which is utterly ridiculous and I'm very sorry, but I promise it will be the LAST times!
> 
> I'm dedicating this to ArkanianP because I would not have reposted if it weren't for her. Thank you for always supporting my works, I can't express how much it means to me. Thank you to anyone who has commented on my fics or even just left a kudos. It carries a lot more effect than you might think it does. I would've given up if it weren't for the encouragement and motivation I've gotten. Whether you've read any of my other fics or if this is your first one, thank you for giving me a chance and I hope that I can make your day a little more enjoyable with my writing.
> 
> I'll try and save the majority of my annoying ramblings/explanations for other chapters so we can just get this (much delayed) show on the road. Chapter 3 (the new one, which I haven't yet posted and subsequently deleted) will be up no later than Wednesday :)

**august. wednesday**

Mats Hummels walked into his first day of college with no expectations from anyone other than himself.

He knew what he _should_ have expected. He’d been to college before—for approximately one semester, that is, which he flunked out of on account of excessive partying. He returned home after that and was subsequently kicked out by his parents, after which he moved five times trying to find the cheapest rent and only settled down when, whoops, he impregnated a co-worker with his first child at age 21. That’s when he quit his table waiting job with his co-worker turned baby mama, got hired at Macy’s and at Walmart, and decided to make himself at home in his current apartment for the sake of his unborn daughter, who would already be suffering due to her parents’ hating each other’s guts before she was even born. And that’s the short version of the life story of Mats Hummels.

The main point to get across is that the reason Mats didn’t hold any expectations wasn’t because he didn’t know what to expect. Instead, it was because he was absolutely intent on not flunking out this time and holding even the slightest expectation which failed to be met could be the one thing that turned him away. Hence, the only expectations that he had set were those of himself and his own behavior.

This time through, there would be no fooling around or missing weeks of classes because he’d been, say, climbing 15 feet up a tree and urinating out of it because he thought it would be hilarious and then attempting to hide from the cops by concealing himself in the tree only to fall out and end up in the back of an ambulance instead of the back of a police car, or god knows what else—half the time he’d been too drunk off his ass to remember. If that meant that Mats had to remain sober and abstinent until he graduated and landed himself a well-paying, respectable job, by all means he would make it happen. And if it weren’t for his daughter, then it would simply be because throwing his back out on a nightly basis as he transported cans of Chef Boyardee’s spaghetti in bulk from trucks to shelves was getting a bit old.

So that’s why the very last thing he could’ve _imagined_ to expect was that he’d develop a crush on his statistics professor.

\---

Five years goes by fast when you’re forced to grow up quickly. Little Sophie was now in kindergarten. As soon as Mats finished signing the enrollment papers, he got a wild idea. His daughter was starting school. Maybe that meant _he_ could start going to school part time, too. He could head to class right after he dropped her off, head to work as soon as class was finished and be back to pick her up well before extended day (the after school program intended for children whose parents had to work) closed. It sounded like a hassle, but it would only be during the three week days that Mats had custody of Sophie. It could very well be done and seemed like a great idea at the time.

Of course, it didn’t work out like that. Nothing ever quite works out like you think it will (if it had, Mats wouldn’t have flunked out of college his first time around with not one credit to his name, and in its place having earned himself an arrest due to public intoxication). But Mats didn’t have time to think about that right now because he was far too busy making involuntary heart eyes at his hunky stats professor.

The professor was a bit of the pompous nerdy type. His eyebrows shot up his forehead whenever he explained a new concept, eyes darting around the classroom to ensure that everyone understood, and the way he bobbed up and down with a subtle nervousness (probably because he was in front of a brand new class he had never taught before) was undeniably cute. His enthusiasm was slowly spreading throughout the classroom, making the students realize that, okay, maybe statistics was a _little_ bit relevant, and one by one, heads perked up and interests peaked as the professor practically tripped over his own tongue with tales that even Mats, the single dad who unpacked boxes at Walmart for a living, had to admit were at least tolerable.

Mats got a feeling that the professor was a natural at this, a gem hidden amongst an army of college professors who didn’t want to teach and relied on the textbook. He looked young, too. He probably didn’t have much experience and was relying solely on his talent and passion for math.

He was sweating, Mats noticed. Mats didn’t blame him. It was still the middle of August and he was wearing gray pants and long sleeves for professionality. And every time he stretched to write something on the board, his shirt tightened around his back and shoulders and the creases disappeared, showing his muscles as they shifted underneath that tight skin. Mats watched him reach up to scratch behind his ear, and…

“Can anyone tell me what the difference is between a parameter and a statistic?” Professor Höwedes asked.

Mats raised his hand.

The professor looked at Mats—directly at him—and Mats felt like dying.

“And if I call on you, please tell me your name,” he added as an afterthought before turning his attention back to Mats. “Yes, mister…”

“Hummels. Mats,” Mats told him, his heart leaping up to his throat as he spoke. He stared at the expectant looking professor, avoiding eye contact at all costs, and suddenly his vision became distorted. The only thing he could see was that stupid blue dress shirt in all its conspicuous glory. He was gone, he was so, totally, irrevocably gone for this dude.

Professor Höwedes tapped his foot. He was waiting for the answer that Mats clearly didn’t have.

Everyone was looking at him, and he had nothing. Mats was a deer in the headlights.

“Mr. Hummels? Can you tell me what the difference is between a parameter and a statistic, or should I ask someone else?”

“Yeah, just do that,” Mats stammered. “Ask someone else.”

The professor nodded, though he was doubtlessly unimpressed and it wrenched at Mats’ gut to see that. Mats sunk lower in his chair and pretended that he wasn’t jealous when another student (who was probably eight years younger than him) supplied Professor Höwedes with the correct answer, earning herself a handsome smile from the professor.

Mats felt like an idiot. Raising his hand had seemed like his only fair chance at getting the professor’s attention, although there was the small drawback that he hadn’t considered what he was going to say once he had got it seeing as he didn’t exactly know the answer.

Half an hour in and he’d already made a fool of himself. What a great start to the semester.

Maybe he’d get another chance—a re-do? He really wanted the professor’s undivided attention again, even if its absence meant that the bout of anxiety he’d experienced was gone, too. Well, the physical symptoms may have been gone, but the rest of it certainly wasn’t.

In fact, the stress seemed to have only been heightened by his failed opportunity to impress Professor Höwedes, and the last thing Mats needed in his life was more stress.

Maybe it would be best to lay low for the last hour of class, keeping his eyes glued to his notebook and his hand glued to his pen.

Mats decided right then and there that he wanted nothing to do with his stats professor for the remainder of the semester. He’d get through the course and that was it. He had more important things to focus on than unattainable relationships, such as his daughter and his future career.

 _What kind of person gets so excited about math that he sweats, anyway?_ Mats thought bitterly. If anything was a turnoff, _that_ was.

\---

He told himself that he wouldn’t, but the first thing he did when he got out of class was go to _ratemyprofessors.com_ and look up Professor Höwedes.  

> **Benedikt Höwedes**  
>  Professor in the Mathematics and Statistics department
> 
> Overall quality: 4.2  
>  Level of difficulty: 3.7  
>  Hotness: chili pepper

Of course there would be the damn chili pepper. Mats scrolled past it and got started on a couple of the 47 student reviews: 

> _Not a bad professor to take if you’re just looking to fulfill the math requirement. The content is difficult, but he explains it pretty well. Practice problems are optional, and there’s only one required analysis paper which he doesn’t grade too harshly._
> 
> _I was dreading this class, but Professor Höwedes made it bearable! Obviously hasn’t been teaching for long but makes up well for lack of experience. He’s always willing to help you if you need it, and it’s clear that he’s very knowledgable and has a lot of passion for math. Just make sure you have a lot of time on your hands if you ever go to his office hours because he LOVES to talk. Seems a little lonely if you ask me…_
> 
> _A good professor and a good man. Doesn’t call people out and really wants to help you. It’s not the most interesting of subjects, but if you pay attention his lectures are actually pretty interesting. He uses a lot of practical examples and goes off on tangents. Do the practice problems and you’ll get solid grades on the tests._
> 
> _Sometimes when he gets excited and starts talking really fast it’s hard to understand him, so get ready to read the textbook. Also, he’s super attractive LOL sign me up._
> 
> _Professor Höwedes is an interesting person, a little quirky, but he really cares about his students. Takes the class very seriously but has a good sense of humor about it. And yes, his chili pepper was definitely earned. He’s a young, handsome dude. No idea if he’s taken though, doesn’t really talk much about his personal life, so don’t get any ideas._

That was enough.

Mats turned off his screen and refused to get any ideas.


	2. A Day in the Life of Mats Hummels

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mats has a bad day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (These beginning notes were literally copied and pasted from the last version I posted, so feel free to skip over them. Also I have a tendency to not know when to stop talking, so feel free to skip over any chapter notes that I leave.)
> 
> A little backstory about this fic:
> 
> I started this back in October, took a hiatus in November, then finished (or, nearly finished - I still have the last chapter and the epilogue to finish) in December. So I've had it written for a while but nothing was edited, and I was debating back and forth about whether I should buckle down and edit or just give it up. My final decision was to post it without editing (save for any typos/minor content revisions that I catch while skimming, though these will be few and far between).
> 
> Needless to say, there will be mistakes, and this is definitely not the best I can do because I've learned a lot since I started and this is not a writing style that I think highly of. However, the premise of the story remains the same, and I think it's important to be able to look back and recognize what I did wrong. At this point, it would not be worth it to go back and edit because the extent to which I would've liked it edited would require me to basically rewrite the whole thing. So I think instead of doing that, it's better to focus on new stories and put my improvements towards those.
> 
> With all this being said, I do hope you'll still enjoy the story. That's why I'm posting it, after all, because what use is it to anyone when it's gathering dust in google drive? Some parts of it were very fun to write, others made me wanna bang my head against the wall. Obviously I've already self-critiqued, but please jump in with your thoughts any time you feel like it because the more opinions I have, the better! I'm happy to take all the feedback I can get.

**september. thursday**

As per usual, Mats went home with a splitting headache.

He took the bus to and from school with the intention of using the two-way 45 minute commute to get his homework done, but that was definitely one of those things that sounds good in theory but doesn’t actually end up happening.

The headache was magnified immensely by the sun pouring through the windows, and he still had an unloading shift at Walmart tonight. The job at Walmart was significantly worse than the one at Macy’s due to the manual labor required, but it did keep him in shape, which was one of the only reasons he didn’t quit seeing as he never had time to go to the gym. Well that, and the fact that he _needed_ the money, no matter how crappy the pay was. Every penny counted.

The headache was showing no signs of disappearing anytime soon, so naturally, Mats risked making it worse to lean against the window and have his skull rattling every time the bus went over a bump.

He didn’t care if he was pitying himself. He sucked. He had decided to take out loans for school yet still needed help paying the bills sometimes, and having hot water and electricity almost wasn’t even worth the guilt of opening up a check in the mail from his clueless grandparents.

So no matter how hard he worked, how much of his health he sacrificed by breathing in that perfume scent for hours and hours on end, he still was barely making it.

And poor Sophie. Mats could hardly please himself, let alone do anything special for her. She was a happy-go-lucky little girl, easily impressionable, curious, and this was the only life she knew. Spending hours at extended day after already having spent hours at school, being driven back and forth from her mother’s house to Mats’ all the time, having only Saturday to really spend with her dad and even then, Mats was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to lock himself in his room and sleep.

Regardless, she didn’t complain. Sure, she acted out sometimes like any five-year-old does when they want attention, but it was amazing how manageable she was relative to how much attention she got.

Mats had gotten stuck with the less-than-ideal end of the custody agreement. He’d signed on it and realized after one week that Sophie’s mother had both Friday and Saturday night kid free, meaning Mats had no chance of living the life of a normal 20-something. But he didn’t want to bring it back to court and start that battle all over again.

He needed to work, anyway. He couldn’t afford to be bar hopping every weekend.

Plus he was lucky that he had any custody now at all. He’d been deemed too irresponsible for the first three years of Sophie’s life and only saw her every other weekend. Now it seemed that that had reversed, with Mats now taking the tough end of raising their daughter.

And so, despite everything, he conquered his grueling schedule with as much strength as he could muster. On Monday and Tuesday, he worked all day at the mall and half the night at Walmart. On Wednesday, he picked up Sophie from her mother’s and took her to school. Then he went to his own classes and worked a short shift at the mall before picking up Sophie for the evening. Friday was similar to Wednesday. Thursday, however, was a special day for Sophie because Mats didn’t have to work at Walmart until the evening, so she was picked up from school on time like a normal kid and got to hang out with her dad while he studied until Leroy arrived to babysit and Mats left for work.

Saturday was Mats’ off day. He made an effort to dedicate this day to his daughter. It was the least he could do. On Sunday, Sophie’s mother came to get her, then Mats worked at the mall in the morning. And finally, _finally_ Mats had some time to himself that wasn’t on the bus or driving to work.

Sunday afternoons were meant to be errand, chore, and cooking-next-week’s-meals time, but that was a lot like the whole doing homework on the bus thing. Good in theory, never actually happened. By Sunday, Mats was a zombie, both physically and emotionally.

Sometimes he wondered how he even did it.

If it weren’t for his beautiful daughter, he probably wouldn’t be doing it at all. It wasn’t her fault that her dad was a useless screw up.

\---

Mats was massaging his throbbing temples and fishing around for the Advil at the same time. If any headache were to end up killing him, this would surely be the one.

Everything was running through his mind at once … his daughter, Walmart, Macy’s, his classes, the fact that he was already behind on his work and had skipped several of his classes due to fatigue (he’d been all gung-ho about school at first but that didn’t last past the first two weeks —his courses weren’t even that hard, for Pete’s sake), him having no friends and no life because this couldn’t possibly be living, he was only surviving…

Mats fell onto the couch, hugged a pillow to his chest and was out cold seconds later. He could’ve fallen asleep or passed out and there would be no difference.

\---

Mats wasn’t sure if the ringing was in his dream or in the real world, if it had woken him up or if he was still asleep, or how long the ringing had been going on for.

He checked his phone, the backlight confirming that his old friend Mr. Headache was still there as soon as it went on. It was 4:26 in the afternoon, which meant that he had about two and a half hours before he was supposed to report to Walmart for duty. He had three missed calls from the same number.

Now, Mats hadn’t been involved in Sophie’s school system for long, but he’d been involved enough to recognize where that number was coming from.

And then it hit him all at once.

It was Thursday. Thursday, the day when Sophie wasn’t registered for extended day and he was supposed to pick her up and then wait for Leroy to come around so he could leave—

_Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit._

The headache returned full force. He’d forgotten about his daughter, his own daughter, and if that didn’t say anything about what kind of person he was, Mats didn’t know what would.

He jumped into his car and drove to Sophie’s school as fast as he could, disobeying all the traffic laws and running his fingers through his hair at the same time so as to get it to stick in any sort of direction that wasn’t straight up. And, oh god, it was _greasy_ , when was the last time he’d showered?! He was falling apart, he was officially a wreck and now his daughter was suffering at his expense.

Mats spent the entire drive picturing his heartbroken daughter, wondering where on earth her dad was and why her parents didn’t love each other like all her friends’ parents did but mostly why they didn’t love _her_. It was a wonder why they hadn’t yet called child protective services on him, it’s what he totally deserved, or maybe they had and would be waiting for him when he arrived, having already taken away his precious Sophie to a place where she’d get the love and care she deserved—

What Mats actually found when he got there was even worse.

\---

The extended day staff glared at him as he signed Sophie out and collected her backpack from her cubby, slinging it over his own shoulder. It was one of those backpacks from L.L. Bean that were so popular among the kids—Sophie’s was light blue and had her name embroidered on it—purchased of course by her mother (Mats had come back with a subtle ‘oh yeah, you might buy her the backpack that every kid in the school has to help her fit in but I’m going to buy her a special TIN lunch box so she can stand out and all the kids will be jealous of her’).

Once the necessary procedures were completed and the staff got tired of glaring at him, Mats searched for the clothespin marked ‘Sophie Hummels’ and found it clipped onto a laminated paper that read ‘OUTSIDE’. He set off to go find her, mentally preparing himself to comfort and reassure his daughter. She was still so young and Mats needed to drive off any feelings of abandonment she may have now before she grew up and it was too late.

But little Sophie didn’t appear to be too traumatized. In fact, it looked like she was having the time of her life running around the playground in the late afternoon sunshine and playing freeze tag with her friends. She likely had no idea that this was something expected to break her trust in the world, and that’s what broke Mats’ heart—just how _normal_ this was for her. How she knew nothing else than to smile and laugh when her own dad had forgotten about her.

This was the worst thing that could’ve possibly happened. Mats would’ve almost preferred for her to be upset, then at least he’d have some evidence that he was a good dad some of the time … but parents who fall asleep instead of raising their children properly don’t deserve any type of reassurance at all. Mats should just give up his custody as soon as he could because clearly he was too selfish to care for another human being, even if that human being was his own flesh and blood.

\---

“Daddy!”

Despite everything, Mats couldn’t help but smile as he watched his youngster run towards him. He crouched down so he could meet her as she practically jumped into him. She flung her arms around his neck, her grin straining against her rosy cheeks and Mats was so happy and relieved to see that she still loved him that he had to be careful not to crush her small body. He wanted to cry tears of joy.

Enough of that. He still had a job to do. He could hardly ever relax because it was never over.

Mats asked Sophie about her day as he took her hand and led her to the car, taking as slow steps as possible because he knew that her tiny legs couldn’t keep up with his long stride and even so, she was hopping along beside him, chatting away excitedly about what she’d done in art class and the new song they were singing in kindergarten choir.

Mats opened the car door for her and she climbed into her booster seat then put her seatbelt on all by herself. Well, Mats was doing at least something right if she’d already formed that habit (unless of course that was her mother’s doing, but Mats downright refused to believe that seeing as they had been taking part in an undeclared ‘SEE, I’m a better parent than you’ battle ever since Mats was awarded custody).

Just as Mats was pulling back onto the road, Sophie began to sing the song she’d been learning. It was something about world peace and even though her voice was naturally off-key, it was so sweet and innocent that it combated some of the numbness that had overtaken Mats since stepping foot into the school.

And then Sophie stopped singing suddenly.

“What’s the matter, daddy?”

 _Oh no._ He’d thought that this had already hit rock bottom out on the playground, but apparently there’s always room for things to get worse.

Mats forced a smile into the rearview mirror which he knew Sophie was watching him through. “Nothing, sweetheart.”

Sophie’s young face twisted into a frown. She didn’t look much like Mats; she looked more like her mother with fair skin a head full of untameable blond curls. And all for the better; she really was a beautiful little girl. The only thing that Mats seemed to have given her was his big, far set eyes, and even so they were blue, quite the opposite of Mats’ dark ones. It was beginning to look like Mats had contributed his less-than-par eyesight as well, as the doctors were getting concerned with her vision test performances and hinting towards glasses once she got a little older.

“You look sad,” Sophie said in a small voice. “Did my mom say mean things to you again?”

“What?!” Mats cleared his throat—“Um … I mean, what? What did your mom tell you about me?”

“She said that she was sorry she didn’t give me a better daddy.”

“When?” Mats knew that he shouldn’t be prying out information from his daughter, but _really_? He thought they’d ended the shit-talking years ago. His blood was boiling.

“Yesterday, when we called and called and you didn’t answer and you didn’t answer and my mom said you were supposed to come get me and you didn’t care about me because you probably forgot and I was gonna be late for school,” Sophie explained nonchalantly.

Mats wanted to facepalm himself, and he would have had he not been driving 40 miles per hour. This conversation needed to end _right now_. Okay, so maybe he had overslept yesterday and was late, but that was the only time it had happened so was it really worth using your poor child as a messenger to pick a fight?

“How about we stop at McDonald’s and get you a hamburger and fries for dinner? Would you like that?”

“Yeah!” Sophie wiggled around in her seat with excitement.

Phew.

Mats ran his fingers through his hair.

\---

The special dinner served more as a consolation for Mats’ own guilt than a compensation for Sophie (and also because there was nothing really he could feed her at home; he desperately needed to go grocery shopping). He took up her Happy Meal then went to sit down at a table while Sophie skipped over to collect a handful of those ketchup packets she loved so much.

She came over and dumped them out onto the table before returning back for more. Mats didn’t have the heart to tell her that that was more than enough ketchup and to sit down and eat before her food got cold, but he was forced to give her a stern look and point at her chair after the fourth round of ketchup-gathering.

Sophie took a few bites of her burger but discovered soon after that it was much more fun to squeeze the ketchup packets out onto her tray and smear it around with her finger.

“Eat your food, or we’re going to leave.” Mats was too exasperated and Sophie was starting to test his patience.

“But daddy, last time you said I could squirt them out only on my tray and not on the table and that’s what I’m doing!” Sophie pointed out, looking at her dad with great seriousness.

Mats blew out some air through thinned lips. “Eat your food, Soph.”

Sophie looked disappointed but did as she was told. She finished her burger, nibbled on a few fries, and then tore open another ketchup packet which she proceeded to squeeze out onto the table, all while eyeing up Mats for a reaction. He tried not to give her one. She squeezed out another, and then another, and finally she ran out of packets and it was only when she knocked over her milk with a flailing elbow while scrambling out of her chair to get more that Mats lost it.

“That’s it. We’re done,” he snapped, grabbing her forearm and dragging her out of the place as she began to squeal in protest.

He felt more sorry for himself than for the poor employee who was going to end up cleaning the mess.

\---

Fortunately for Mats, there lived a teenager in his apartment complex named Leroy who agreed to watch Sophie every Thursday night when Mats had the night shift. Mats informed Leroy that Sophie wasn’t listening and was cranky and tired, so he could put her to put as early as he wanted. Then he wished the boy luck, hoping he wouldn’t actually need it, and closed the door behind him.

Mats didn’t know what he’d do without Leroy.

He got into his car, relishing the daylight that would be long gone by the time he got home. The headache was bordering on a migraine now, his chest was tight with tension. He tried to turn on the radio for some music but ended up turning it right back off as the beat only went straight to his head. He screwed his eyes up tightly for a few seconds once he’d reached a stoplight, willing away one particularly painful knot on the right side of his head. At least he wasn’t working at the mall today and didn’t have to breathe in the overwhelming scent of perfume to turn it into a real migraine … Hopefully running around and hauling boxes from one place to another for a few hours would get some dopamine going through his system and loosen him up.

He was looking forward to his shift tonight even less than he normally did.

\---

Mats had to pick up some groceries, so he decided to kill two birds with one stone and get the shopping done at Walmart after his shift. It wasn’t a very productive shopping trip, however, as Mats was so tired and hungry that he bought soy milk instead of regular milk and forgot the eggs altogether.

His eyes kept threatening to shut on him as he drove home, and when he finally did make it he still needed to bring in the grocery bags. His arms were so worn out after today’s lifting that he had to make two trips up to the second floor of the complex to his home, each stair seemingly steeper than the last.

With all six bags now in his hands, he managed to free enough fingers to nudge the door open. The weight of the plastic bags cutting into his fingers was relentless and a string of curse words escaped his lips as if that would somehow help (well, it couldn’t have hurt at this point). As soon as he was in, the stupid bags ended up on the floor and Mats began to caress the fingers that he’d sacrificed in order to let himself into the house—he absolutely hated plastic grocery bags, but given his single dad status, he couldn’t bother to ever ask the cashier for paper ones. It was just far too trivial compared with everything else going on.

He paid Leroy, checked that Sophie was safe and asleep, and then he was almost done. He just had one last thing to do before having a hot shower and crawling into bed. He’d nearly made it through another day.

Planning to make this quick, Mats sat down with his laptop.

Okay, _now_ this day had officially hit rock bottom, Mats was sure of it as he clicked open the email from the damn stats professor he’d vowed to keep out of his life at all costs.

> **To: Hummels, Mats Julian  
>  From: Höwedes, Benedikt**
> 
> **Subject: Meeting?**
> 
> Dear Mats,
> 
> I know that you’ve missed several classes and that your quiz score was quite low. I would like to meet with you tomorrow after class to talk about this, so please plan to remain behind. It shouldn’t be long. I simply would like to touch base and talk about your experience in this class.
> 
> Thank you,  
>  B. Höwedes

Mats groaned. He sunk his face into his palms and kept it there for a long, long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought that [this tweet](https://twitter.com/mterstegen1/status/743001006733197316) was pretty relevant to the chapter.


	3. The Professor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mats meets with his professor after class.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate this chapter.

**september. friday**

The next morning, Mats was so distracted that he forgot he was pouring soy milk into Sophie’s Captain Crunch cereal and poured it right until it started overflowing the bowl.

Sophie tapped him on the elbow. Mats looked down at her, and on her face was a look that read ‘you’re an idiot, but I don’t have time for this so please just stop pouring the milk and give me my breakfast.’

“I think you put in enough milk, daddy.”

Mats blinked and shook his head. _Oh, right._ He took the bowl, poured out some of the excess milk into the sink and set it down on Sophie’s placemat.

“Sorry, sweetheart. Daddy’s a bit tired today.”

“Did you stay up past your _bedtime_ because you were too busy laughing at funny videos of cats on the computer again?”

The spoon Mats had been bringing to Sophie clattered to the floor.

Sophie smirked, very much aware that she’d just won the whole conversation.

\---

Mats was just a tid bit late to statistics that afternoon as he’d gotten hungry and decided to grab a footlong at Subway after his writing class. He’d missed so much of stats already that a few minutes hardly mattered, anyway. He was showing up and that was what mattered.

He tried to keep his concentration up throughout the class despite the constant nagging in the back of his mind that he was supposed to meet with Professor Höwedes after school. He tried to pretend that he wasn’t getting flustered just thinking about it and he tried really, _really_ hard to pretend that he wasn’t looking forward to it. At all. Yeah, he totally didn’t want to have a private discussion with the condescending dick that was his stats teacher. Totally.

 _You wanted his attention and you got it,_ the nagging said.

But regardless of how much effort he put into it, Mats didn’t succeed in slowing down the clock and the end of class came and went. He was still writing down the new definition in his notebook as the rest of the students flooded out of the classroom.

And then once everyone was gone and there was nothing more to write down, without looking up, Mats produced his phone from his pocket and began scrolling through it, hoping something would catch his attention and give him an excuse to keep his neck down and his eyes glued to the screen.

He didn’t want to leave the classroom yet, but he didn’t want to be the one to commence this ‘meeting’ either.

The sounds of a Ziploc bag opening and then some sort of nut cracking reached Mats’ ears.

Finally, after several minutes of eating pistachios and tapping his fingers impatiently on his desk, the professor sighed and said, “Do you want to come over here and talk to me, Mr. Hummels?”

Yep, condescending, arrogant dick he sure was, disguised as a concerned professor sending snooty emails. He was the one who wanted this meeting and now he was acting like Mats was wasting his time.

Mats didn’t speak. He simply stood up, dragged a chair across the floor and sat himself down across from the professor’s desk. And as soon as he had done that, a rush of heat spread all the way from his cheeks to his ears and up his forehead. He could feel his palms getting wet and butterflies in his stomach. Great. A hot, stammering mess was just what he needed to be right now when he was trying to prove that no, he didn’t need extra tutoring services, thank you very much. He was supposed to be rolling his eyes and huffing, not like _this._

“Do you want a pistachio?”

Mats glared at the bag of nuts as if it had personally insulted him. “No. But thanks.”

Professor Höwedes pushed the bag away. “What’s going on?”

Mats tightened his lips, still refusing to look up. He didn’t want to give this guy the pleasure of noticing the sickeningly fake worry on his face.

“Nothing,” Mats grunted.

Professor Höwedes raised his eyebrows, but of course Mats couldn’t see that as he was still staring at a dark swirl of wood, which was by far the most interesting thing on the desk. Not even a block of wood with a quirky saying or a framed picture. This is what Mats hated about college. This wasn’t even Professor Höwedes’ own desk as this classroom was probably used by multiple professors, each teaching far more students than they could remember. Everything was so impersonal.

Mats looked up at this point. His voice came out much stronger than he intended. “I don’t understand what you want. So what if I’ve missed a few classes and assignments, I still have a decent grade. Why aren’t you asking anyone else to come meet with you? That isn’t your job, your job is to give me the lessons and grade my tests and that’s it. The rest of it’s my own responsibility.”

 _So there,_ Mats thought wildly.

“How old are you, Mr. Hummels?”

“Almost twenty-seven,” Mats grumbled.

“Then act like it.” The corners of the professor’s mouth were twitching as if he wanted to smile.

“Thanks for pointing out how much older I am than everyone else, it’s not like I already feel weird about it every single time I walk in here.”

Oops. There was unintentional slip number one.

Mats stared at Professor Höwedes, who had far more stubble than he had had during the first class meeting and therefore looked much older. Mats wanted to ask how old _he_ was, and was debating on whether getting the answer was worth being that rude when the professor said, “And I’m almost twenty-eight. Though you could argue against that, if you wanted. I’m a Leap Day baby.”

Mats knew he was supposed to laugh, but he didn’t. He just scowled.

“So,” he began, “you and I are pretty much the same age here, you’ve got your life together and I’m a loser, what else do you need to prove?”

“Mr. Hummels, I—”

“I have a job to get to, _Professor_. I don’t mean to be rude, but I work in retail and my shift starts in half an hour so if we could get the ball rolling here, that would be great.”

Mats ran his fingers through his hair as the blood pounded in his ears. He was telling the truth; as much as he would’ve loved to stay and mingle with his stats professor, he had a wage to earn and food to put on the table. He had absolutely no chance with this dude anyway; maybe if Mats were rude enough, he’d take the hint and back off.

The professor sighed again. Mats watched his Adam’s apple move up and down as he swallowed, and Mats realized that he himself hadn’t swallowed in a long time and when he tried, he found it impossible.

“Call me Benedikt.”

“If you call me Mats.” 

There was slip number two.

 _Like you did in the email, because it gives me the tiniest glimmer of hope that maybe there’s a miniscule chance we’re something more than professor and student._ “This ‘Mr. Hummels’ stuff is ridiculous. Didn’t we just agree that we’re the same age? Or is this another one of your ways to remind me that you’re a professional and I’m a—”

Professor H— _Benedikt_ —closed his eyes, then he reached out and rested his hand on Mats’ forearm.

Then he opened his eyes again but kept his hand on Mats’ arm. Almost protectively.

“Okay,” he said.

Mats nodded, visibly letting some of his guard down. His first instinct had been to yank his arm away, but he found that he just couldn’t, no matter how much it made his nerves race. He began to pull at his shirt with his free arm. Every inch of his skin was prickling, begging for him to scratch it, but he knew that was one of his many nervous habits and resisted.

“My goal isn’t to get you to like me, Mats. I’m not expecting or asking that from you. My goal is to help you succeed in this course,” Benedikt said, quite plainly.

Mats couldn’t pinpoint when his hopes had risen so high. He was only aware of the moment when they fell back down and he was left with nothing but disappointment. He studied Benedikt once more and even if he thought he’d seen something before, something in that moment when Benedikt closed his eyes and bit down on his lip as he seemed to let go of something, it was gone now. Mats saw nothing but a math teacher with pretty blond hair and hazel eyes and an unshaven face who staring back at him, the expression on his face purely of someone who wanted to do his job and do it well.

“I understand that,” Mats said. He hoped his voice wasn’t vibrating in the same way that his heart seemed to be. “And thank you. But I can’t do this right now, I really need to get to work.”

“I won’t keep you any longer than.” Benedikt smiled and squeezed Mats’ arm before settling his hand back in his lap.

Mats stood up, pulled the chair back to its spot, then let his feet carry him back to the desk (his brain certainly hadn’t told them to).

“Can I have some pistachios? I don’t think I’ll have time to eat before work.” (That wasn’t a lie. But he _had_ already eaten).

Slip number three.

“Of course. You can have the rest.”

“Thanks.”

Mats accepted the Ziploc bag, which still contained a fair amount of pistachios, and very characteristically and expertly dropped them to the floor. If it was possible for his face to get any hotter than it already was, that happened. He bent over and picked up the bag, feeling Benedikt’s eyes on his back as he did so. Then he walked towards the door which would take him out of this god forsaken classroom.

“Bye. I’ll let you know if I ever need help with the work …”

That was already slip number four, so Mats wasn’t going to allow slip number five to happen too and say the professor’s name. That would’ve been crossing the line from not-okay to REALLY-not-okay.

“I’m happy to help you whenever you need it. Take care,” Benedikt replied sincerely.

“Bye.”

Mats stepped out and closed the door behind him. Then he moved about a foot to the side so he could see into the window of the classroom in a totally non-stalkerish way because he was definitely not doing this in order to witness Benedikt’s reaction to all this.

The professor sat at his desk. His back was to Mats, but Mats could still tell from the way that his normally erect posture was slumped over that something was bothering him. What could possibly be troubling cool, confident Benedikt with his chin held up high, for whom teaching statistics was as easy as breathing? It couldn’t be _Mats,_ could it? Mats was nothing more to him than a below-average student, and even beyond that he was nothing more than a single dad who was barely scraping by and whose own kid made fun of him because he was such a loser.

As soon as Benedikt started to turn around, Mats hurried off, running his hand through his hair like a maniac and feeling like a grade schooler who’d been caught spying on his teacher. And well, arguably, there wasn’t much of a difference, especially considering how he’d acted when he was in there. His five-year-old daughter would’ve been more mature than he’d been, for goodness sake.

Mats held back a bitter snort. Then he composed himself once and for all and left the college before he could be late for work and get his ass fired, because, really, that was one of the last things he needed.

\---

Maintain professionalism.

Maintain professionalism.

Maintain professionalism.

Perhaps he’d said the words so many times in his head that they’d lost their meaning, and that was why things had gone so … wrong.

But was it wrong? Because Mats had turned from sullen and closed-off to .. well, whatever it was … before Benedikt could even realize what had happened. And what had happened was that he’d failed to maintain professionalism.

Oh, god. He was so in trouble. This wasn’t supposed to happen. In any circumstance. Ever. So what if they were the same age, or nearly the same height, or had the same last initial. The fact remained that they were in very, very different places in life.

College professors weren’t supposed to develop crushes on their students.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls talk to me, i'm sad and lonely


	4. Sophie's Day Off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sophie gets sick and can't go to school, so Mats has to do some quick planning.
> 
> (If you're subscribed and get 2 notifications for this chapter, I had to delete it and repost it b/c something weird happened but it's the exact same thing, no worries.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look at me, taking less than two weeks to update a chapter that's been written for months! This is the chapter where I start to get a little ://// about my writing so I hope you guys still like it. To add to my own confusion, I was tweaking some of the later chapters last night and now I'm really excited to post the rest of the fic :)
> 
> As always, I love feedback, so please tell me anything you want in the comments, and thank you sooooo much to those of you who've already left comments :)

**october. friday**

The weather was getting chilly; flu season was around the corner, and Mats preferred not to think about that because he had literally no idea what he would do in the case that Sophie became sick because he could not afford to miss any more college, or heaven forbid work.

He crossed his fingers that that wouldn’t happen. He was aware, though, that viruses spread faster than wildfire among children, and that he would only be testing his luck (which was already lousy enough, by the way) to its limit if he hoped for the best.

And so, one morning, when Mats was very much not expecting it, Sophie woke up with a temperature.

Mats suppressed a sigh as he read the number on the thermometer that confirmed that yes, she was indeed sick and probably shouldn’t go to school.

The daily headache arrived a little earlier than it normally occurred.

He only had two options and as much as he tried to consider any others, he knew it was no use. Leroy was at school, so he was no help. He felt uncomfortable calling his parents as they’d made it quite clear they weren’t going to be his impromptu babysitters, and besides they both worked nine to five jobs. Suspecting it wouldn’t go over so well for anyone involved, the _last_ thing he wanted to do was call Sophie’s mom and ask her to take over. And Mats didn’t have anyone else to call seeing as the only people he talked to on a regular basis were his manager at Walmart (although their conversations consisted mainly of him yelling at Mats to go faster and Mats telling him to go to hell under his breath), this one lady who came into Macy’s literally every day to complain about something she’d bought and insist on getting something completely different for free as a compensation, and his statistics professor.

The first option: stay home, miss class yet again and call out of work at the mall, and take care of Sophie. The second option: take Sophie to college with him and beg anyone he could get a hold of to watch her when he went to work. Or some sort of combination of the two.

He pinched the bridge of his nose hard as he thought. Staying home was easily the best option for the sake of poor Sophie, who was Mats’ main priority right now. But the price of missing just one more day could be more than it was worth.

Ignoring the guilt swirling around in his stomach and the ever-present pounding in his head, Mats settled on the second option.

He went back to Sophie’s room and sat down carefully on her bed, gulping as he began to smooth back her disastrous hair. In Mats’ eyes she’d always be pretty, but right now even he had to admit that she looked awful. He felt awful just looking at her.

He hated to do this to her—to anyone—but he had to.

“We can’t stay home today, sweetheart. But if you come to my school with me, you can stay in your jammies and I can buy you candy and you can sit in my lap while I listen to the teacher, and then when we get home you can get right back into bed and I’ll tuck you in all cozy and we’ll watch _any_ Disney princess movie that you want to. I promise. How’s that sound?” Mats begged.

Sophie shook her head furiously, protectively hugging the gross old teddy bear which she refused to let Mats throw away. Her eyes pooled with tears.

Another rotten day in the life of Mats Hummels, shittiest father on earth.

\---

Needless to say, heads turned when Mats entered the classroom with a young child by his side, but no one commented so he sat down without saying a word.

He’d given Sophie some medicine to drink and she was feeling better as a result of it, so hopefully Mats would be able to make it through writing and stats without causing a scene. While Mats was learning about introductory sentences, Sophie munched on a bag of gummy worms and colored in her coloring book, the crinkling of the gummy packet being the only noise she made.

“Remember: _Shhhhh_ ,” Mats told Sophie as the professor was getting ready to begin class.

“ _Shhhhh_ ,” Sophie agreed rather loudly, putting her finger to her lip, her eyes wide and earnest.

Mats beamed with pride.

So Sophie’s sit-in on the writing class went very well considering the circumstances, and Mats was surprised that she didn’t grow restless and bored because an hour and a half was a long time to sit still for a girl or boy as young as she was, though then again she was most likely fatigued from being sick and further subdued by the medicine. She made multiple comments about how pleased she was to be able to take a day off from her own school in order to attend her dad’s ‘grown-up’ school (although she did point out how boring it was—where were all the craft supplies? the bulletin board that her class had decorated for the fall and was going to redecorate for winter soon? and the shelf with all the books? she wanted to know).

“And I didn’t seen the playground yet,” she added thoughtfully. “Where’s the playground, daddy? Where do you have recess? And when you don’t give your paintbrush back when the teacher tells you to and paint whiskers on your face during nap time like Luca did, do you get your clothespin moved from green to yellow?”

Mats put his finger to his lips, which apparently was the universal primary school symbol that teachers used to convey that ‘you guys are getting too rowdy so please shut up or I will have to resort to more serious tactics’.

Sophie locked her lips and threw away the key, but not before proudly informing Mats that the teacher had never moved her clothespin down to the red circle that read ‘call mom & dad’.

“That’s my girl,” whispered Mats. Then he locked his lips and threw away the key.

\---

Towards the end of the block, Sophie started to get drowsy, so Mats put away her crayons and gummies and carried her on his hip across campus to his stats classroom.

Once again, heads turned as he entered the classroom. He was particularly careful to avoid making eye contact with Prof—um, Benedikt, because he had enough to think about as it was without adding on top of that the look on Benedikt’s face when found out that treasured student Mats Hummels had a daughter. Plus he still wasn’t sure if Benedikt would even be okay with it—his writing professor had been understanding because she was older and had children of her own, but Mats expected hell to freeze over before it was confirmed that his young stats professor had had an oopsie kid, too.

“Is she yours?”

Mats turned around at the sound of the voice to find Benedikt standing there with his eyebrows knitted slightly and one thumb stuck loosely in his pocket. For someone who was learning that a young girl in pajamas would be joining his lesson today, he remained remarkably poised.

“This is my daughter, Sophie,” Mats introduced her. He always felt a little defensive when people asked if Sophie was his, but it only figured that someone who resembled Mats wouldn’t produce a blond haired, blue eyed baby so he really couldn’t blame anyone for it. “I’m sorry for not warning you at all … it’s just, she has a cold and I couldn’t send her to school and …” He trailed off, fumbling over his words and reddening. Benedikt probably didn’t want to hear the whole story and didn’t care for excuses.

“I get it.” Benedikt’s eyes softened as he turned to the girl in Mats’ arms. “Sorry you’re not feeling good, honey.”

Mats’ heart wanted to melt—he simply couldn’t believe how quickly Benedikt’s demeanor had turned, which was why he was embarrassed when Sophie ignored Benedikt and buried her face deeper into Mats’ shirt and hugged him tighter.

Mats grimaced. “Yeah, she’s a bit shy when meeting new people …”

Benedikt assured Mats that he understood and that it was just fine for Sophie to be there, subtly giving Mats what he hoped was a reassuring tap on the back as he turned to sit down.

The touch sent a pleasant quiver down Mats’ spine.

\---

Sophie curled up in Mats’ lap and and fell asleep as soon as Mats sat down, and Mats really was amazed as to how she could still fit comfortably after all these years although she was quite small for her age and considerably so given how tall Mats was. Mats frowned as he looked down at her tiny body and reminded himself yet again of what the paternity test had confirmed. He still didn’t believe it sometimes.

It was hard to take notes like this, having been far easier with Sophie seated on his leg. He couldn’t concentrate with the little girl shivering in his lap. He scolded himself over and over again, this had been a terrible idea and no sensible parent would’ve even thought of forcing their sick child out of bed, what was _wrong_ with him? On top of it all, he had planned poorly and hadn’t thought to bring a blanket for her and now she was cold and there was nothing he could do about it—

There were about ten minutes left of class now. They’d almost made it through Mats’ schedule at college, and in ten minutes they would go straight back to the car and he’d take her straight to the doctor. Ten more minutes for Sophie to stay asleep and, oh no, please, not now …

Sophie was starting to fidget and whine, and Mats prayed that it would only last a few seconds and then go away but it only worsened, and then before he knew it Sophie had sat up and was sobbing into his shoulder and half the class had turned to check the source of the noise.

“Daddy, I want to go home,” she cried.

“I know,” Mats whispered, rubbing her back. “It’s okay. We’re going home very soon …”

Mats bit the inside of his cheek. Right now, all he wanted was to fall apart himself. He had had enough and he was absolutely sure that this was his breaking point, but he was a man and a father and it his only job was to keep himself in check for the sake of those around him. He was vaguely aware of Benedikt fixing him with a sympathetic look and then of class being dismissed five minutes early, and, oh god, had Benedikt really dismissed class early all because of him and his crying daughter, or had he really finished the lesson early like he’d said?

“Mats.”

Everyone else was gone.

“Yeah,” Mats mumbled as he began to pull himself together and gather his notebook and make sure Sophie, whose sobs had reduced to quiet moans, was tucked safely under his arm before he headed out.

Benedikt was half standing, half sitting on the desk next to Mats. He had something dark hanging over his arm.

“I know I said that my job is to help you with statistics.” Benedikt began to twist the watch on his wrist around and swallowed very visibly.

Mats gave a slight nod, showing Benedikt his full attention and encouraging him to go on. He’d never seen his professor like this, so out of character, and it was strange but Mats couldn’t think about that right now.

“But, if you ever need help with anything, even if it has nothing to do with this class, please let me know. I want to help you. And …”

He unfolded the dark thing which had been on his arm and it turned out to be a jacket. “You can take this. For Sophie. Just give it back next week or whenever you can.”

The look on his face told a different, one that sounded more like ‘here, take this and don’t worry about giving it back because you look freezing and homeless and you should use it for your daughter on the ride home but then seriously, just keep it, okay?’

Mats accepted the jacket gratefully. “Thank you. Thank you so much. I don’t know why I didn’t think of—”

“Just take it and get some rest. You look like you need it,” Benedikt interrupted, offering a weak smile to suggest that his comment wasn’t meant to be offensive. Mats would’ve scoffed under normal circumstances, but at the moment it could only be the truth. He probably looked horrible.

\---

Mats ran his fingers through his hair as soon as he’d buckled Sophie in and arranged Benedikt’s jacket all snug over her.

It was totally weird that his professor had straight up offered him a jacket, especially considering how impolite Mats had been during their last meeting, but it didn’t matter how he’d gotten it as long as he had it and that Sophie was warm now. Mats truly didn’t care at this point.

He drove straight to the doctor, who told Mats that Sophie was going to be fine and to just keep at her home (Mats held his breath like he’d been caught red handed) and make sure she was hydrated.

Mats flipped through the pamphlet he’d been given to look over as he left. Yeah, maybe he had panicked just a little because there really was no reason to have had to take her there … But still, it felt good to know that she was going to be okay and he wasn’t a horrendous parent after all because this was terribly common among children her age. In fact, it seemed that Sophie’s recovery would be coming even sooner than anticipated because instead of falling back asleep like Mats assumed she would once they got home, she reminded Mats about his promise to watch _any_ Disney princess movie with her and insisted they watch _Frozen_.

Mats sucked in a breath. He had a shift at the mall that he needed to get to. But then again, there was no one to watch Sophie and staying home and huddling up on the couch did sound pretty tempting right now.

So he called Macy’s to tell them he wouldn’t be there and didn’t even feel bad about it.

“You can never, _ever_ break a promise,” Sophie explained to Mats.

“That’s right,” Mats said as he returned to the kitchen to get some popcorn going (and he was extra careful this time to not overestimate how many kernels to pour in the pot because last time had been something out of an awful sitcom with popcorn flying all over the kitchen), having already slid the DVD into the slot as a strategic means of missing the first five minutes of the movie. Hey, if it had been a classic like _Beauty and the Beast_ or something, he would’ve been more than happy to sit through the whole thing (because it brought him childhood nostalgia of when he would watch princess movie after princess movie and that’s how he knew he was gay), but _Frozen_ was just not his genre.

Except for the snowman, maybe. The snowman was relatable enough to draw a few laughs out of Mats.

And the music was pretty catchy, too. Mats couldn’t blame Sophie for knowing all the words.

And okay, maybe sitting there stuffing popcorn in his face with his daughter was the happiest he’d been in a long time.

\---

The movie had been a temporary break from reality, apparently, because as soon as it was over, everything came pouring back over Mats.

He simply couldn’t live like this anymore. Something had to change. But what?

He let his head fall into his hand and pressed his fingers deep into his hairline, thinking.

He’d made the right call in skipping work today because he was starting to feel pretty crappy himself. He couldn’t tell if it was the constant stress finally taking a toll on his body or if he’d picked up whatever Sophie had or if he was just sad, but whatever it was, Mats gave in to it.

He called his parents, which was something he only did as a very, very last resort. They agreed.

Mats had let Sophie lay on the couch with a blanket and pillow and a juicebox so he could keep an eye on her as he took care of all the things around the house he’d been neglecting for the past several weeks. She finally managed to drift off after nearly an hour of complaining of not feeling good, and Mats hoped that she was in a deep enough sleep that the transfer to her grandparents’ place wouldn’t disturb her.

But with Mats’ luck, that didn’t happen.

“You’re gonna stay with Mama and Papa for a bit, sweetheart. Is that okay?” Mats said gently.

Sophie rubbed her eyes with her fists and nodded sleepily. She didn’t object when Mats handed her over to his mom, who took the groggy girl inside as Mats shifted back and forth on his feet, thanking his parents immeasurably. 

As soon as Mats got home, he raided the fridge and ate everything in sight (which wasn’t much save for some leftover Chinese takeout). He fell into bed once he was finished, ignoring the fact that every single light in the apartment was still switched on as was the television, running the same jingle on the DVD menu over and over again.

How could someone as privileged as he had been growing up screw up his life so badly?

\---

“I gave him my _jacket,_ Miro. I said it was for his daughter, but he _so_ knew. Oh my god, I’m so obvious!”

“Calm down. He took it, right?”

“Yes. And then he left, but I gave him my _jacket,_ Miro! Do you understand how bad this is?”

“Calm down. I told you what to do. Just wait until the semester’s over, then you’re fine. You’re freaking out over nothing.”

“You don’t understand. He’s my student, Miro. This is wrong on so many levels.”

Miroslav practically rolled his eyes over the phone. “I already told you this, but I’ll say it again because maybe you’ll listen to me this time. What would be _wrong_ is if this were a teenage girl you were crushing you, not a twenty-seven year old man. You said it yourself, Benni. Like I said, just wait until the semester is over and you’re not his teacher anymore.”

“But—”

“Yes?”

Benedikt was running out of excuses.

“And if he ends up hating me?”

“Then he ends up hating you and you move on. Next?”

“He has a kid! He already has a kid which means he’s married and happy and _I’m hitting on a married man who happens to be my student._ ”

“I don’t think things are so happy if he had to bring his daughter to class with him.”

“But—”

“The heart wants what it wants, Benni.”

“I don’t want this.”

“Like I said, just wait. Keep your professional life separate from your personal one. That’s all you need to do.”

“Too late.”

“I’m on the Metro and I’m losing you. We’ll talk later.”

Benedikt did not care that Miroslav had just announced all his personal business to everyone else on the Metro. What he did care about, however, was the fact that he was totally losing his grip on himself over Mats Hummels. He was no longer the proud, slightly cocky Benedikt Höwedes that he’d always been.

But Miroslav was right. He had to wait. No more emails, no more jacket donations, no more private meetings. He had to keep things under the radar, at least until January.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am in no way whatsoever associated with or a member of the Frozen fandom. I didn't think the movie was that great, which makes it all the better for having Mats suffer through it multiple times XD


	5. Office Hours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So, you said a few weeks ago that you wanted to help me. So. Hi. I’m here. For you to help me, I mean.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello

**october. saturday**

Weeks passed, and Mats was working on improving things for both himself and for Sophie. He studied hard, started to keep a calendar so he’d stop forgetting about things so much, and he was as nice as he could be to his stats professor because, well, he had to repay him for the jacket somehow, right? (Mats might have started to wear the jacket himself because he was too busy slash poor slash another excuse to get a new one for himself that didn’t have a hole in it like last year’s). But ONLY because of the jacket thing, not because the small talk they had before and after class where Benedikt asked how college was going and Mats asked how grading tests was going lifted Mats’ spirits a little each day and gave him the courage to just keep going because one day things were going to be better.

It was all going well until Mats received a text from Sophie’s mother that went a little something like this:

_You missed parents night, asshole._

And sure enough when Mats poked through Sophie’s Friday Folder, he found a flyer from about three weeks ago informing everyone that Kindergarten Parents’ night had been—yesterday. So apparently he wasn’t as on top of things as he thought he was.

He sent back a snarky text just for the hell of it.

_Sorry, couldn’t get off work. I’m glad you could make it in my place._

Then almost immediately after, he wished he hadn’t because karma is the biggest bitch there is, and he stubbed his toe on the leg of the couch, causing it to swell up and requiring 15 minutes of hardcore icing before he could move again without involuntarily swearing.

So much for things getting better.

\---

**october. wednesday**

“So, you said a few weeks ago that you wanted to help me. So. Hi. I’m here. For you to help me, I mean.”

It was after class, and Mats had approached Benedikt and was now standing before him. His hands were occupied by the hem of his shirt, which he was compulsively scrunching up because it felt far less awkward than just letting his hands dangle in thin air. He could only imagine how stupid he looked.

But Benedikt seemed relieved, if anything. “Absolutely. Do you want to go sit in my office? It’s more comfortable in there.”

“Sure. I don’t have much time, though.”

“Take as much or as little time as you need. I don’t have any more classes to teach today,” Benedikt said, and with that he grabbed his water bottle and the keys to the classroom and locked the door behind the two of them.

Benedikt’s office was equipped with two armchairs, a coffee table, and a neatly organized desk. He motioned for Mats to sit down in one of the armchairs while he started to make some coffee.

Mats sat down, crossed his right leg over his left, crossed his left leg over his right, then decided that it made him look too at ease and settled on folding his hands in his lap and jiggling his knees up and down to accurately represent the fidgety wreck that he currently was.

“Tea or coffee?”

Mats wanted to accept, but he knew he wouldn’t have enough time to drink it and leaving behind a mug still half full might hurt Benedikt’s feelings. But as if he’d been reading Mats’ mind, Benedikt added, “I can put it in a to-go cup for you.”

“Coffee. Please,” Mats said.

“This isn’t as fancy as the one they have in the lounge, but those ones are always broken or dirty so I like to keep my own,” Benedikt said as he busied himself with the machine.

Mats didn’t know what to say, so he just cleared his throat. He didn’t understand why Benedikt was backhandedly apologizing for bad coffee after he’d invited Mats into his office and offered to help in any way that he could. He didn’t deserve any of this.

Benedikt poured the steaming coffee into two separate cups and handed one of them to Mats before sitting down in the other armchair.

“Do you want to tell me what’s going on?” Benedikt started after a short silence during which both men had taken long sips of their drinks.

So Mats did. He told his stats professor, of all people, everything about his life within reason, about how he didn’t have time to take care of his daughter, about what a dreadful father he was, about how he didn’t do anything worthwhile, about the headache that never went away and about how he wished he could start over but that was also wishing he hadn’t had Sophie so young and he loved her more than everything he had to love with, but he just felt so grounded by her and …

That’s what it was. He was a sperm donor, not a father, and no amount of guilt could ever make up for the fact that Mats wished that he weren’t a parent at all.

“Sorry,” he mumbled.

“For what?”

He was afraid of talking any more, afraid that his voice would crack or he himself would crack and the little dignity he had left would all be lost. Besides, he didn’t even have an answer. He wasn’t sorry for anything in particular, he was just _sorry_.

Benedikt bit down on his lip, seemingly thinking about what the best thing to do now would be. He had moved all the way to the edge of the armchair while Mats was talking, and now they were close enough that he could’ve reached out and laid a hand on Mats’ knee.

“Can you look at me?”

Mats averted his eyes from the stack of papers on Benedikt’s desk he’d been concentrating on as he rambled. He had felt as if he would’ve been whisked right off the earth if he lost focus on them.

“Listen,” Benedikt started, making his tone forceful enough so Mats would believe him but soft enough to avoid sounding like an insensitive jerk. “Here’s what I have to say. First off, getting drunk every night because you have no responsibilities isn’t as fun as it sounds.”

Mats snorted, but there wasn’t a hint of humor behind Benedikt’s expression.

“Second, your work isn’t worthless. I mean, you could argue that my work is negligible, you could argue that anyone’s work is negligible cause it’s all such a small part in the big scheme of things, even presidents and all those people because they have entire governments behind them, but without each of those small parts there would be nothing. If no one worked at grocery stores, we’d all be back to square one growing all our own crops and cows or—yeah okay you get my point. Besides, you work way harder than I do and probably a lot of other people, too. Anyone who decides to go out and work instead of sitting at home and collecting unemployment checks should be respected no matter what sort of college degree you need to be qualified. And it’s not that you wish you didn’t have your daughter. To me, it just sounds like you wish you had waited and that’s completely normal. It’s not about you, it’s about her. You feel like you could’ve been a better father if you’d had her later. And that’s a regret a lot of people have, not only with kids, but with timing in life in general. Doing something before you’re ready, or what I think is even worse is waiting too late and then regretting not doing it at all. It’s not something any of us can change though, we can’t go back in time and change the order of how things happened.”

Mats nodded slowly, kind of amazed at how much Benedikt had just talked seemingly without even breathing. He still thought that he was just selfish and that was all there was to it, but he liked to believe the professor had a fair point.

“But what you can change is yourself. She turned your life upside down when she was born, and because of her you’re trying harder than you ever would’ve without her. I want you to think of it like that, think about what you’re doing now instead of what you _should’ve_ done. You’re not a bad father at all, Mats. And I know what a bad father is. My dad was a drunken piece of shit who came home at three in the morning yelling at all of us one night that he was leaving, and then he left and we never saw him again and I have no clue if he’s dead or alive to this day.”

That caught Mats’ attention. Here he’d been moaning about his life for the past ten minutes, and now Benedikt was telling him about his runaway father in the same way that one would talk about what they’d eaten for breakfast.

“I didn’t mean to—”

Benedikt held his hand up in a ‘stop’ gesture. 

“You didn’t offend me. I’m the way I am because of him and how I wanted to be nothing like him. It was so long ago that it doesn’t matter, I just wanted to give you some perspective. Let’s not talk about that, though, and we don’t have to talk about this anymore if you don’t want to. Let’s forget about this.”

“Okay,” Mats said. He was glad.

“But,” Benedikt shifted and, was that blush on his cheeks? “if you ever want to talk about anything again, just know I’m always here. And I’ve never been in your situation so I don’t know how much of a help I can be, but let me know if there’s anything I can do and I’ll try my best to do it. Even if you just want to talk to someone, you know, we could get dinner sometime and just chat about things—”

“I’d love to do that,” Mats said quickly before Benedikt could have second thoughts.

Benedikt smiled, but there was also a flash of panic on his face that Mats chose to ignore for the time being. “Great. So, when would you like to? I’m a bit busy for the next week or so with grading midterms and stuff, but after that …”

He gestured as if to imply ‘I’m all yours’.

“First Sunday in November?” Mats couldn’t believe he was talking. It seemed that his silly crush had taken ahold of and banished everything that made him Mats, and he’d completely forgotten about how distressed he’d been just moments ago.

“Sounds good to me. Hey, I hate to do this to you, but I really have to get some work done, and I assume you have to get to work too …”

Mats leapt up and glanced at the clock on the wall. His heart was hammering against his ribcage and he nearly lost his balance. He didn’t even care that Benedikt was kicking him out, he’d just landed a date with his hot professor and if that wasn’t impressive, he didn’t know what was. Plus, he was getting the feeling that Benedikt may have started to backpedal on his idea and therefore leaving was probably the best thing to do right now to avoid an awkward situation.

“Yep, I gotta go. Thank you so much for listening to me, I guess I just needed a friend intelligent to talk to because I feel so much better now. Well, I’ll just be on my way now. See you soon,” Mats said before he practically skipped out of the office with his to-go cup in hand.

“Bye now.” Benedikt stood up so he could walk Mats out.

“So how’s the sushi bar by the lake at seven o’clock?” Mats suggested.

“That’s okay with me.”

“Fantastic. Looking forward to it.”

“Me too. Take care,” Benedikt grinned.

“As should you, _Benedikt._ ”

Mats was so giddy that when the ‘my poodle chewed up my jacket, I’d like a refund and give me next year’s model for free’ lady stopped by Macy’s, Mats just cracked up right in her face and had to be led to the back of the shoe closet by a co-worker to calm down.

\---

On his way from work to pick up Sophie, having not had to stop at home for the car (he’d gradually given up on the whole bus thing, and all for the better because it only meant Sophie had to spend less time at extended day), Mats counted how many shirts he’d dropped while working at Macy’s today and concluded that it was approximately equal to the number of times he’d promised himself he’d run errands on Sunday and ended up watching trash on television instead.

How deep had he gotten himself into this mess? He was still aware that he generally sucked as a dad and a person (though he had to admit he was improving), but that didn’t stop the big, fat and stupid smile on his face as he thought of what he’d be doing on the first Sunday in November. How much he was looking forward to it.

And how much Benedikt _wasn’t_ looking forward to it, judging by the hesitant look last seen on his face.

Perhaps he hadn’t really meant it about the dinner and was just being polite, expecting that Mats would say no? But then why had his cheeks had that tiny tinge to them as he was asking, and why had Mats forgotten in that moment that Benedikt was his professor and not just some guy he’d met at the gym? (or in Mats’ case, Walmart, which was his equivalent of the gym).

Plus it had been Benedikt’s own idea in the first place.

Mats was very, very confused.

However, the days came and went and Benedikt gave no indication of calling off the date (Mats could’ve sworn that he even confirmed the time in the most cliche way possible when he pointed at the number seven during the following Wednesday’s lesson, fixed his gaze intently on Mats and didn’t let it go until Mats had given him the nod. Unless, of course, that was all his crazy imagination playing tricks on him because he wanted this so badly).

So the first Sunday of November at the sushi bar by the park at seven o’clock it was.

\---

Benedikt simply couldn’t believe how quickly the tables had turned.

 _He_ was supposed to be one in charge, not Mats. Mats was the shy, nervous one who needed a little morale booster.

But, in typical Benedikt Höwedes fashion, he’d slipped in an offer for a dinner date and Mats had jumped on the idea as if he’d been waiting for it. And he _so_ regretted it.

He should’ve known something was wrong when his cheeks were already warming before he’d even offered. That never happened. Benedikt never got embarrassed, even when suggesting dinner dates. He’d built a wall around himself and made himself so strong, so nonchalant that embarrassment just didn’t happen to him.

Though it looked like Mats Hummels, his statistics student, had found a way around that wall.

And, oh god, this wasn’t actually a _date,_ was it?! He was supposed to be laying low until January, wasn’t he? But how could he lay low when Mats was already there and already so in on the plan …

He was basically in hysterics when he called Miroslav.

“Miro, I’m supposed to go to dinner with him the first Sunday in November at the sushi bar by the park and I don’t even LIKE seafood,” he said all in one breath.

“Get miso soup, then. It’s good.”

“Shut up.”

“You wanted this, Benni. You asked for this. So don’t be grumpy during the date and ruin your chances. Just do what you’d normally do.”

“MIRO. He called me a FRIEND. He’s my student!”

“Yep. Do what you’d normally do. You like him, don’t you? You’re overthinking this. If you like him and he likes you then we have no problem, right?”

“I can’t do this.”

“Do you want to know something? Students are human beings, too. They have feelings. They have lives. And outside of the classroom, they’re so much more than just students, just like you’re so much more than just a math professor. So stop thinking of him like that.”

“I’m nervous. I’ve never been nervous before and I don’t want him to think that I don’t like him.”

“Just do you, and it’ll be okay. I promise. Remember. Just do what you’d normally do. Remember who he is. And don’t forget about the miso soup.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay yeah I know this was kinda boring because it was mostly setting up for the next chapter and the rest of the fic, I promise the next one is much more exciting. This is a slow build fic, so if you are concerned that the drama has not arrived yet: don't worry, it will :D Anyways, thank you guys so much for tolerating my shitty unedited mess of a fic <3


	6. Dinner Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mats scores a date with his cute professor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Warning: excessive whining and self-pitying in this author's note*
> 
> This fic is basically a constant battle between hating what I've written and being extremely lazy, and in the end, the laziness always wins and I don't do anything to change it, so you'll just have to deal with it. I'll be honest, the more I update, the more I despise this fic, and I'm not so sure I'll continue just cause I think it's the phoniest, most try-hard piece of trash I've ever written, made worse by the fact that it's fresh off the first draft...I'm hoping I'll feel better after I post but I'm also really tempted to just give up the whole thing right now :/
> 
> I know there are some people who do like this, though, and I don't wanna ruin that for you. And I do want to share it, it's just that I don't really feel that comfortable anymore with publishing it, so I'm thinking about just sending the rest personally to readers who want it. I won't delete what I already have off Ao3, though, so don't worry about that. It's mainly the lack of revision/editing that bothers me, especially since I've tried to improve my writing since I wrote this and this old writing just makes me cringe. So if I do end up stopping the updates on here but you'd like to continue receiving them privately, please leave me a note either here or on tumblr ([x](http://neueresque.tumblr.com)) and we can sort something out [ideally through google drive since that's where it is right now, but if you don't have a google account or just don't feel comfortable giving it to me then we can find something else]. I would really love to do that since hearing readers' thoughts on my writing gives me life :)
> 
> Sorry if this sounds really whiny and dramatic, I know I've been bitching constantly throughout the whole fic. I'm just...really bleh about this whole thing. I guess I'll just shut up now and leave you to form your own judgement on the new chapter :P

**november. sunday**

“Hey Soph, can you come here for a second, please?”

Mats was frying eggs in the kitchen and he was already nervous despite the date being hours away. Sophie was all set to go to her mother’s, who’d be sending Mats a text at any moment now to let him know that she was waiting outside his building.

He gave the pile of dishes in the sink a dirty look before turning to Sophie, who had just come into the kitchen wearing the new outfit that Mats had bought for her. It was a pair of boots, leggings, a blue coat with buttons down the front, and a colorful beanie. She looked so mature like this and it made Mats sad to realize how quickly she was growing up, but he also couldn’t help the swell of pride in his chest in how far he had come, too. Two years ago, he had absolutely no clue how to dress a little girl and now he had it down, including the whole curly hair thing. Maybe he wasn’t as bad a father as he thought.

“You look so pretty in your new coat. Do you like it?”

“I guess,” Sophie said unenthusiastically and Mats chuckled. She was still at that age where she couldn’t care less what she wore and Mats really, really wished that was the case for him and his date tonight. He sighed as he put down the spatula.

“I have a date tonight and I need a hug for good luck.”

Sophie clapped her hands to her face. “Ooooooh, daddy, you have a _girlfriend_?!”

“Not quite.” Mats smiled wryly, and he could’ve been referring to either the fact that no, he wasn’t quite there yet, or to the fact that his date was actually a boy. And yeah, his gaydar had been on high functioning this past week and confirmed that it was totally a date even if he and Benedikt had been purposely avoiding any close confrontations. There was no way this dinner was happening to ‘just chat about things’.

He bent down to scoop Sophie up and twirl her around like he used to when she was even smaller, and Sophie squirmed and screamed for him to put her down but she was laughing so hard that it was hard for Mats to take her seriously.

Finally, Mats stopped spinning and kissed the top of her head before putting her down. “Be good for me when you’re at your mom’s, okay? I’ll miss you.”

“Miss you too, daddy,” Sophie said, and then Mats got that dreaded text and had to take Sophie downstairs to the lobby.

It never got any easier to say goodbye, even if it was only for three days. And he really could’ve used his daughter’s unconditional love on a day like today.

\---

**5:00**

He was in the shower for so long that he nearly suffocated from the condensation gathering all over the bathroom.

**5:37**

Mats’ feet were surrounded by just about every last article of clothing he owned. His bedroom looked something like what he imagined Sophie’s would look like when she was a teenager, having tried on this and that and then concluding that it just wasn’t right and tossing it over his shoulder with a huff of frustration. How _was_ he supposed to dress for this? Would Benedikt be dressed casual or fancy? The restaurant was slightly upscale but nothing too uptight.

Mats found the winner only after he’d dug down to the very bone of his closet. He had decided to keep it classy wearing a navy blue dress shirt buttoned all the way to the top and dress pants but without going all out suit and tie. This was a good balance. He would dazzle it up a bit with a watch or something, though he didn’t have many options seeing as fancy knick knacks were not really within his budget.

He tried to look confident as he inspected himself in the mirror. Admittedly, the outfit was helping, and although his hair could use some attention and his face was slightly flushed from all the bustling about, he thought he looked quite dapper. He puffed out his chest and flexed his pectorals (and was shamefully glad that his five-year-old daughter wasn’t there to see it because she would be giggling about that for days on end). He tried to turn around so he could examine his how his butt looked in these pants, but that was pushing the limit for even Mats so he pulled himself away from the mirror.

The outfit was the easy part. The hair was the hard part. Firsts off, he should’ve gotten a haircut because it was beginning to borderline mullet-status these days. No matter what he did with it, he’d surely mess it up when he ended up running his hand across it countless times because that was one mannerism he just couldn’t seem to let go of. He’d just have to be extra conscious of that this evening; to assist with the cause, Mats lathered on some gel, hoping that when he reached to touch his hair and found it unusually cold and hard he wouldn’t want to touch it anymore.

And finally: to shave or not to shave? Mats thought he should just pick the petals off a flower, deeming ‘he loves me’ or ‘he loves me not’ to decide on this one.

Mats squinted at himself in the bathroom mirror. Now that his hair was done and he was dressed up, the facial hair looked less scruffy than normal and well … Mats never thought he’d use these words and his own name in the same sentence, all vanity set aside, but it made him look kind of manly and attractive, so the facial hair stayed.

**6:22**

Mats stuffed his wallet in his pocket, threw on his jacket, hopped in the car, and then left. There was no use in waiting because he’d only have more time to think about things, like, was this _really_ a date or was Mats just an idiot who couldn’t read a clue to save his life? What if Benedikt never showed up and Mats just sat there waiting and waiting and, wait, no, Benedikt was too much of a gentleman to stand him up like that. In that case, what if Benedikt had sent him an email within the last ten minutes to say that sorry, he actually couldn’t make it? Or what if—

Mats stuffed his earbuds into his ears and sent the music blaring straight into his head.

From then on, he felt neither confident nor apprehensive, strong nor weak. He simply existed as Mats Hummels.

\---

At 6:39, Mats arrived at the restaurant and requested a table for two. The hostess flashed a flamboyant grin at him, taking in his outfit, and assured Mats that she’d find a nice little private booth for him and his girl.

Mats raised his eyebrows, but didn’t correct her. Chances were she’d never find out.

While Mats waited at his table, he was very aware of himself and everything his body was doing. He placed his hands on the table, spaced equally apart, and relaxed his shoulders. He wanted to appear calm upon Benedikt’s arrival.

And finally, at 6:53, Professor Benedikt Höwedes came around the shoji screen, spotted the statue that was Mats, then broke into a smile and approached him.

“Hey,” he greeted Mats, a little out of breath.

Mats almost didn’t recognize him out of context. He had some style, that was for sure. His hair was just a touch ruffled in the front. He definitely hadn’t dressed up in the sense that Mats did, but he looked stunning in a low cut shirt underneath a cardigan sweater and a pair of nicely fitted jeans, all complete with a belt. He’d shaved, too, so Mats could now see that he had some freckles, making him look so boyish and … well, _cute_. And in that moment when Mats was attempting to have eye sex with the beautiful being before him, he realized that Benedikt was actually a real person and not just a math professor. A person with whom he could have a relationship with and communicate.

When Benedikt didn’t sit down, Mats realized what he was supposed to do. He unfroze himself, got his legs to work, and stood so he and Benedikt could hug. He caught a whiff of Benedikt’s cologne and it was a million times better than all the cheap perfume he was used to inhaling at Macy’s.

After they had both sat down across from one another and been given their menus and glasses of water, Benedikt launched into a lengthy, highly animated apology about why he’d been ‘late’, which was basically that the grouchy old couple that lived next door to his mom had left a handwritten note in her mailbox complaining about the ‘unsightly’ state of the lawn, so he’d had to spend the majority of the afternoon raking leaves, which took much longer than anticipated because the twins across the street kept jumping into the leaves as he raked them, and by the time he’d finished, his palms were so raw from gripping the handle that he couldn’t make a fist or do much of anything else with his hands without hissing in pain for the next two hours.

Mats flipped over his own hands, demonstrating the rough calluses he’d earned from his unloading job, and smirked crookedly.

Benedikt huffed. “Yeah, yeah, Mr. Show Off. By the way, may I mention that I shovel these people’s driveway multiple times every winter, for free, and that I look after their hairy cat whenever they decide to take a spontaneous road trip to Texas even though the damn thing tries to attack me every time I get near it, for free, all because they had me do it when I was still the nice boy next door and word hasn’t gotten around that I don’t actually live there anymore?”

Mats was holding back laughter because he wasn’t sure whether it would be appropriate or not, but as soon as Benedikt made his voice all high pitched and nasally to imitate them, _’Oh, Benni darling, would you mind looking after Princess Pussy for a few weeks while Jim and I get away for a bit? We keep her food in the fridge now, but feel free to help yourself to anything in there even though everything expired four years ago,’_ Mats burst out laughing.

Benedikt rolled his eyes at the conclusion of the story, a satisfied look on his face as he watched Mats laugh, really laugh, for the first time.

Mats was still nervous. Of course he was nervous, that’s just who he was. But he wasn’t nervous in that fidgety, anxious way. Instead, the nerves were simply keeping him alert. Any doubts he had that Benedikt didn’t want to be here were gone. He was only nervous because he was so happy to be here with the real Benedikt, not the one hiding behind his profession. Benedikt too seemed relaxed, at ease with himself and maybe even a little smug. He didn’t have to hold back anymore and because of that, he was even hotter tonight than Mats had ever recalled.

The waitress came to take their orders and as soon as she was gone, Benedikt placed his hand on top of Mats’, which was still resting on the table.

“Anyway, that’s enough about me. How’re you doing? You look great.” Benedikt flashed a wink.

Mats tried to speak but nothing came out except a pathetic little croak—his mouth was too dry. He drank some water, peering at Benedikt shyly over the rim while the other man closed their hands together, soft skin against hard.

“Hey,” he lowered his voice under the din of the restaurant. “Tonight’s just about us, and I want you to forget about everything else, okay? Just have fun. The rest will work itself out, I promise.”

Mats nodded to show Benedikt that he understand, that yes, he wanted this too. Only that resulted in him sloshing water all over his front, which in turn made his face flush as deep as a sunset.

“Oops,” he said, his voice an octave higher than normal. He wiped off his chin on his sleeve then pushed the glass away. He didn’t trust himself.

Benedikt had an eyebrow raised as all this went on, and then he couldn’t keep a straight face anymore. He screwed his eyes shut and covered his mouth as he giggled, falling forward slightly, and Mats had to chuckle at how adorable Benedikt was when he giggled like that. And alright, who couldn’t admit this whole thing was just a little bit funny given how ridiculous it was?

When Benedikt caught Mats’ eye again, he lifted his eyebrows up and down with a quick tilt of the head, sending happy butterflies through Mats all over again.

But then Benedikt’s miso soup and Mats’ sushi arrived and their little staring contest had to end.

“Bon appetit,” Benedikt said cheerfully.

“Yep,” Mats replied. “Do you want to try some of my sushi?” he added, eyeing Benedikt’s flimsy bowl of soup.

Benedikt seemed hesitant. “What’s it have in it?”

“Salmon. Avocado. Cucumber. You’ll like it.”

Mats handed him the chopsticks and pushed the plate to the center of the table. Benedikt expertly plucked a roll off the plate, chewed it thoughtfully and finally decided that maybe he liked seafood a bit after all. He thanked Mats and gave him back the chopsticks.

Mats pushed his sleeves up a little and positioned his chopsticks in his fingers. He was _not_ going to drop his sushi roll into the bowl of soy sauce, nope, definitely not happening tonight under his watch, no, no, no, YES! Once the roll had made it safely into his mouth, Mats looked up at the ceiling and sent a little thank you to whoever was up there.

One small victory for tonight.

\---

Throughout the dinner, they chatted about all the things you were supposed to chat about on a first date. Benedikt was a very animated speaker, but only used gestures to emphasize his point, not to take away from it. Mats revealed that he wanted to study history and journalism, to which Benedikt laughed and replied that although that was a great choice, math would always be more useful than history, and then Mats had his chance at a rebuttal and the friendly banter carried over onto the next topic, and the next, and by the time he’d finished his main course of teriyaki steak, he was feeling more comfortable with Benedikt than he’d ever felt with anyone before. The times he truly forgot that he was supposed to be feeling self-conscious, however, were when Benedikt asked about Sophie and Mats would talk about her fervently.

When Benedikt kicked his leg lightly underneath the table, and then again so Mats confirmed that it wasn’t just an accident, and Mats responded by lifting up Benedikt’s foot but Benedikt pushed it back down and locked Mats’ foot between his own … 

He sensed that Benedikt trusted himself. The way he carried himself gave off a vibe of strength and certainty, but at the same time he was humble and easygoing and it was so appealing to Mats. If Benedikt trusted himself, that meant he trusted Mats, too.

And the way his shoulders were pushed back just a little more noticeably, how he was sitting up as straight as he could and how his pupils dilated every time they passed over Mats’ face gave him another meaning to that trust, too.

Mats was nervous as hell, but it was the best nervous he’d ever felt.

\---

Benedikt had inspected the drink menu and requested a bottle and two glasses. The drink came in a beautiful green bottle and the second Mats tasted it, he regretted all the crappy cheap beer he’d had during his brief stint in college. He couldn’t even remember the last time he’d had a drink and it tasted amazing—he surely had to do this more often.

A warm buzz now flowing through his body, Mats and Benedikt talked for a long time even after they’d finished eating. He’d forgotten what it real date was like, or maybe he’d just never known one, but nothing else mattered other than here and now. His daughter was safe and happy, he was passing his classes and one step closer to getting a real job, he had a stable home and he had a friend in Benedikt.

He wished he could sit here and talk forever and he didn’t want to be the one to hint at concluding the evening.

Finally, Benedikt flagged down the waitress and asked for the check. When the waitress asked if the check was together or separate, both Mats and Benedikt replied with ‘together’ and shared a look, each saying ‘I’m not letting you do this’.

“I’m the one who invited you,” Benedikt pointed out.

“But I owe you something.”

“You owe me nothing. I’m paying,” Benedikt said firmly, slapping his credit card on top of the check.

Deep down, Mats was relieved that he’d lost this argument, especially after he found out how expensive the drink was, because he really didn’t have the money for this. He would return the favor someday, though.

If ‘someday’ with Benedikt Höwedes ever arrived.

\---

Even after the check was paid, Mats still didn’t want to go home to no company except his cold bed. So he stalled, waited, touched his hair until remembering that he wasn’t supposed to, hoped, and then it came.

“I was thinking we could go have a walk around the park, unless you need to get home, of course,” Benedikt said, his eyes boring directly into Mats and the hazel of his eyes no longer detectable because his pupils were so dilated.

“No,” Mats replied quickly, his heart quickening as well. “That sounds nice.”

So they walked the short distance to the park, and the entire time Benedikt walked much closer to Mats than was necessary. He was like a magnet that Mats couldn’t pull himself away from. Their shoulders brushed, and then their arms brushed and finally their hands, and each touch send a wave of sparks from where it had started to the tips of his toes.

Benedikt withdrew something from his pocket, applied it to his lips and then held it out in offer. “Chapstick?”

“Sure.”

Mats slid the stuff over his own lips, rubbing them against each other and then gave it back.

“We should do this more often,” Benedikt said softly. He was looking across to the lake that shone about a hundred yards away with a wind coming off from it, sweeping his hair this way and that and Mats could only imagine what his own mop of hair looked like.

“Yeah, we should,” Mats agreed. He wanted to say something else, too. He was probably boring the hell out of Benedikt, but he just didn’t know what to say without ruining everything or scaring him off.

“I never learned to swim, you know,” Benedikt said casually as the lake got closer.

_Shit._

“Um. Well. We could call it a night then, I guess? I mean—”

“No. Just make sure I don’t fall in or anything. I’m a bit skittish about what’s living down there.” Benedikt nudged his side and winked.

 _Oh._ He was officially an idiot, and the only way he could make up for this was by doing what Benedikt wanted him to do, which was … what? Make sure he didn’t fall in? What the hell did _that_ mean? They were just going to be walking around the path, and unless some magical force pulled them in—

Okay, _now_ he was just being stupid. Just do it, do what he wants you to do, it isn’t hard, you’ve lifted up your arm so many times before and that’s all you have to do now, he _asked_ you to do it so there’s no excuse not to …

Mats jerked his arm away from his side and wrapped it around Benedikt, who did the same.

“I hope you had fun tonight, Mats.”

Benedikt sounded a little unsure now, more so than he’d done throughout the entire night, but it only secured the good feeling that Mats had about him because why on earth would Benedikt be faltering around _him_?

Benedikt was nervous, too. If he hadn’t been, then Mats would be a little worried about how real it was. He’d been so outrageously flirtatious that it almost—almost, but not quite—seemed too good to be true up until now. Benedikt was vulnerable too. He was courageous, but he wasn’t invincible.

“I did.” And he really had.

Mats tightened his hold on Benedikt, was the bigger man for a change. He felt so light that he could’ve almost passed out, but with each passing moment it felt better and better. He wondered if it being brave always worked like this; terrifying at first, but not so bad after. Like a dog who learns that once he gets over the electric fence, he’ll be free. Maybe Benedikt was like that. Cautious like everyone is wired to be on the inside, but hopeful enough to overcome it.

Mats was getting more and more hopeful everyday. And this was only the beginning.

\---

“Miro.”

“It’s almost midnight Benni.”

“Yes. I just got back.”

“And?”

“Definitely a DILF,” Benedikt said.

“Did you plan a second date?”

“I thought you told me to wait, so no, but I hugged him and I gave him my number and told him to text me when he made it home.”

“Good.”

“He’s shy, Miro.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning, I ran my mouth the entire night. He likes me, but I couldn’t tell whether he thought I was sincere or not.”

“Were you sincere?”

“Of course.”

“Then he knows. People like you do the processing and the talking. People like him observe, and they observe so much that they get good enough to tell those things.”

“You’re certain?”

“Positive. Now, Benni, listen to me. You still have to keep your professional life separate from your personal one. It would’ve been best to talk to him about it so he doesn’t get the wrong idea, but you have to treat him like a student when you’re at school.”

“He’s gonna think I don’t like him.”

“Not necessarily. I can’t guarantee that he’ll understand, but remember that he’s an observer, and observers are thinkers.”

“So I’m not a thinker.”

“You’re a math person. You don’t create, you use the all logic you that’s already there in your head.”

“Okay, okay. But, I can’t let it go on for too long. I need to see him again, away from the classroom. I need him to be sure.”

“You’ll figure something out. I know you will. I’ve always admired how much you trusted yourself.”

“Alright. I’ll let you get some sleep. Thank you so much, Miro.”

“Hey, that’s what I’m here for. Night.”

“Night.”

Benedikt hung up. He crossed one arm over his chest and put the other on his chin.

Tonight had been perfect, but the rest of this wasn’t going to be as easy as Miroslav was making it sound. Mats was smart, but maybe he just didn’t have the self-assurance to believe that Benedikt liked him. Maybe he didn’t trust his own instincts enough.

Two weeks. Two weeks, and then Benedikt would have the invitations printed and ready and he could give one to Mats and put an end to this damn double-life thing once and for all.

\---

_11:01 P.M._

_To: Benedikt  
Just got home. Thanks for everything :)_

_11:03 P.M._

_From: Benedikt  
No problem! I’m just happy that you’re happy. You’re pretty cute :D_


	7. In Between

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the end of the semester approaches, Benedikt and Mats deal with the aftermath of their date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly, thanks a million to Mrs. Dortmund for helping me edit this chapter! I feel much better about it now :)
> 
> Obviously I've decided to keep posting. Thank you so much for your support on this work. The comments on the last chapter were the deciding factor in this. I'm sorry for how flaky this whole affair has been, but thank you for tolerating me and giving me confidence <3
> 
> Hope you like the chapter!

**november. monday**

There was only one member of the Walmart crew remaining from when Mats had first started. Despite having been Walmart co-workers for six years, Mats knew nothing about him other than that he was quiet, strong, hardworking, and that he was called Manuel.

What was Manuel’s story? Why had he worked here for so long? Why didn’t he get a better job?

 _Same reason that I haven’t,_ Mats thought dully.

Today was when Mats decided to end the six year silence. He had a story that he was dying to tell, and he couldn’t exactly tell it to the one person he was on speaking terms with who was above the age of five. He needed to talk to someone. He’d been jittery ever since he had arrived home last night.

“Hey, Manuel.”

Manuel grunted, and Mats was a little offended. You’d think that after staring at the same old Campbell’s soup cans for years and years and years with the same person that you’d have bonded at least a LITTLE bit.

“What did you wanna be when you were a little kid?”

Manuel took a single can of baked beans, slid it onto the shelf, then leaned against it and exhaled. He closed his eyes and rolled his neck, as if trying to remember.

Mats leaned against the shelf too.

“I wanted to be a soccer player,” Manuel said. His voice was strong, but mild. A lot like his personality.

“And now? What do you wanna be now?” Mats was curious.

“I want to be a lot of things. Maybe one day I’ll be able to fall asleep and not see ‘low prices’ etched on the insides of my eyelids,” Manuel deadpanned.

Mats couldn’t help it. “I wanted to be a journalist for years, and now I’m actually trying. I’m back in school and I met someone.”

“Did you?” Manuel started to put cans on the shelf again.

“Yep,” Mats said, his own cans long neglected about by now. “And I went on a date with him last night, and it was amazing. And he gave me his number, and I keep rereading the text he sent me just to make sure that it all wasn’t a dream.”

Manuel nodded, and Mats kept going. “Guess who he is?”

“Who? Your teacher?”

“Yep.”

Manuel laughed openly. “So, why aren’t you panicking?”

“Holy shit. Because I know him. He’s a real person,” Mats explained. He hoped Manuel would understand. He needed _someone_ to understand.

Manuel stopped laughing then and looked at Mats quite seriously, balancing a stack of Busch’s cans on his palm. “I get that. Just don’t tell anyone how you met,” he sniggered.

“Shut up,” Mats groaned.

“I’m just joking. I get you. And good for you. For going back to school, I mean. I always knew that you’d be out of this place before I was. And for finding someone and seeing them for who they are and not what they do,” Manuel said.

Mats scratched his arm. He’d got the guy talking, let him keep going.

“I wish I could say the same for how someone sees me.”

“How do you want someone to see you? What do you want to do once you get out of here?” Mats pressed on.

“There’s no guarantee I’m ever getting out,” Manuel said flatly.

“But you can. I did. It sucks and I’m drowning in work and I never sleep and I have a headache everyday and I hardly ever spend time with my daughter but I know it’ll be worth it once I’m done. What’s stopping you?”

But Manuel didn’t say anything else. He just kept stacking up cans of beans, focusing on it, and Mats stood there rubbing his neck and trying to think of what he’d done wrong until he realized that not everyone was as lucky as he was.

\---

**november. saturday**

Mats hated running when he was a kid. His dad had signed him up for athletics, but he quit after the first practice because he hated running around the track with no purpose other than to reach the finish line so he could stop running. What was the fun in doing something if the only aim is to get it over with fast enough so you can stop doing it?

His dad had to take him to the toy store on the way home and buy him a new Polly Pocket set to get him to stop crying (though definitely not the tough-macho son that some dads dream of, Mats had been incredibly sweet and sensitive as a child).

That’s how Mats had felt for years after Sophie was born. Work, sleep, court appearances, then do it all over again. It changed after he got custody with the added task of childcare, and then again back in August when he’d restarted school. Navigating through life was just one big race to the finish line.

He had a purpose now, though. He was no longer running as fast as he could just to get done running, but running to score a goal or make a basket. He was working harder than he ever had before, he was earning high grades, and nothing he did was fruitless anymore.

That’s just how much he liked Benedikt.

But something still seemed to be off. The professor seemed to be ignoring him. He didn’t call on Mats to participate in discussions. He avoided eye contact when he handed back grades, and all this was making Mats rethink what had happened two weeks ago. Okay, truth admitted, the way they had interacted that night wouldn’t have been appropriate for the classroom. But still, it was like Mats was invisible and Benedikt was pretending he didn’t exist. That was a bit extreme in Mats’ eyes.

He was tempted to text Benedikt and demand why he’d been such a flake and led him on. He would’ve done it if some warning instinct hadn’t been stopping him from doing so every time he picked up his phone. There had to be a reason. Nothing about that night at the sushi bar had been anything but genuine.

So yesterday after class, Mats had taken extra long to pack up his notes in order to confront his professor in private. He couldn’t ignore Mats if he was the only one in the room, right?

“Excuse me, _Professor_ ,” he said, his voice hard.

He saw Benedikt purse his lips in acknowledgement. Mats could settle for that.

“I’m not really understanding the new chapter, so I was hoping that we could meet during office hours and go over it.”

Mats knew he was pushing it—Benedikt was his professor, not his tutor, but he would need to actually speak to tell Mats no, and that’s all he was going for. And then he got it when Benedikt locked eyes with him, his eyes weary. He looked like Professor Höwedes again, nothing like the young and fresh man that had been Mats’ date. He looked nothing short of frazzled.

“I don’t have the time, Mats.” He swallowed thickly. “I’m really sorry, I’ve just got so much work to do to prepare for the end of the semester. Try going through some of the guided problems I posted on the website, okay?”

“You said you would help me,” Mats said coldly, unwavering. Anger can do that to even the most introverted people.

Benedikt rubbed his neck, his face contorting in annoyance or frustration. An awful thought settled in the pit of Mats’ stomach; that he had turned the jaunty, enthusiastic professor into whatever _this_ was now. That it was his fault.

“Please go.”

“I’m not leaving until you do what you said you were going to do, which is help me,” Mats demanded, arms crossed.

“Go,” Benedikt said. No, he was pleading now.

So Mats’ backed away, his eyes widening. Maybe he should do something to help? Find out what was going on or what he had done? But Benedikt wanted him to go.

“If that’s what you want,” Mats said, adding, “but don’t think you’re getting away with this.” He brushed his hands through his hair as he hustled out of the room.

Perhaps he really was just stressed about his work—Mats knew that feeling all too well. And Benedikt probably had it worse because when Mats was done with work, he was done, whereas Benedikt had to worry about emails and grades and plans and phone calls. But with all naivety set aside, Mats’ better guess was that it was about him. He tried to put himself in Benedikt’s shoes. He’d gone on a date with one of his students in the middle of the semester, and that had to come with all sorts of emotions attached.

Perhaps he would just need to wait until the semester ended. Then they could both work this out together without the guilt.

And he hoped that they could, because he didn’t like this new Benedikt at all.

\---

Time for a history lesson. The daily Saturday outings with Sophie began when, after having received an unbelievable amount of shit from her mom about never doing anything with her or signing her up for anything, he threw down the gauntlet and took her straight to the fair and bought her cotton candy, making sure that she still had the sticky stuff on her face and a Beanie Puppy which he’d won for her clutched in her tiny hand when he took her back to her mom’s.

Because he’d matured a bit since then, the outings became more for the sake of Sophie than to show up her mom, but even more recently Mats had started to enjoy them as well. Not necessarily all the stupid places like Chuck E. Cheese’s they went to that Sophie just adored, but Mats simply appreciated the time he had to spend with his young daughter and the joy that overtook him when he saw how happy she was.

Sophie had been excited about going to the ‘park with the spinny thing’ on the other side of town instead of the same old playground at her school, but it was cold out and Mats was worried about her getting chilly, so he let her wear her special hat with the cat ears and tail and took her to the indoor trampoline arena instead.

The trampoline park had been a good call. Sophie jumped into the pit with the foam blocks over and over again, having the time of her life and giggling when Mats jumped in too and got stuck in the blocks. The only trouble came when Sophie spotted a group of older girls, who were quite obviously gymnasts, doing flips and handsprings and decided that _she_ wanted to do that to. For one fearful moment, Mats was convinced that she was going to try it by herself and break her neck, but then she asked in the polite voice that Mats had been teaching her to use, “Daddy, can you make me do a flip, please?” So Mats picked her up in the air and made her do a flip, holding his hand out for a high five once she had landed.

She grew understandably tired after a good half hour of leaping around (and Mats was getting worn out too given how many times he had had to lift his ever growing daughter up and flip her over), so he took her hand and brought her to a table so she could eat the peanut butter and jelly sandwich Mats had packed her. She even nibbled obediently on a couple of the baby carrots even though she had guaranteed Mats that she was never going to eat a veggie ‘even when I’m as old as YOU are, daddy.’

So you couldn’t really blame Mats for getting just a bit sad. If it had gotten to the point where Sophie was now eating vegetables without the incentive of being rewarded with a sugar cookie if she ate them, then she really wasn’t as little as Mats thought she was anymore.

It was still quite early in the day by the time they were back outside and headed to the car, so Mats thought it couldn’t hurt to take Sophie to a movie, especially seeing as she was still pretty thrilled about the whole thing and would be disappointed for the day to end so soon.

When Mats pulled up the list of movies on his phone, he almost groaned. _Frozen 2_ was the only one playing that his daughter would be even remotely interested in, so he put on his tough face and bought himself enough soda and Swedish fish to last the movie so maybe he’d be able to make it through the whole thing without puking.

It was worth almost puking, though, because as soon as they had exited the theater, she tugged at his arm and expressed how thankful she was because ‘I know you don’t like princesses because you’re a boy.’

“I like princesses,” Mats said, leaving out the second part that was _because you see honey, your dad is actually gay._

That could wait till later. A lot later.

\---

The day had been great for Mats in that it forced him to forget all about his own stupid problems, but they all came back over him when they arrived home around dinnertime and Mats saw that he had a text.

_I’ll help you with the new chapter next week if you still need it. Just drop by after class or during office hours and you can ask any questions you have_

Mats was stirring marinara sauce into the penne he’d just finished boiling as he read the message and he accidentally flung a few noodles out onto the counter.

Sure, he hadn’t exactly come crawling back to Mats and proposed to him. But he had 1) acknowledged their conversation from Friday, and 2) sent it through text instead of email, which meant that this was personal and not professional.

Plus, he was allowed to ask any questions he had.

\---

**november. thursday**

Mats wasn’t nearly as stubborn as he had been during their previous meeting, and it might’ve helped that Benedikt overcompensated yesterday for forgetting that Mats existed last week by letting him know how moved he was by his statistical analysis paper. It was slightly odd and Mats was suspicious because this had been the paper which he had totally bullshitted through, but he appreciated Benedikt’s effort all the same. It meant that he was trying.

He knocked on the door to Benedikt’s office, heard a muffled ‘come on in’, and entered to find Benedikt at his desk with a pen between his teeth and his hands busy typing up an email.

“Give me a minute,” Benedikt said through his pen. He kept typing while sat down in one of the armchairs, then finally he clicked send and pulled the pen from his mouth, grimacing when he noticed that he’d been chewing again.

Mats chuckled. “Stress habit?”

“Look who’s talking.” Benedikt tried to divert the attention from himself by teasing. “You can’t keep your hands away from your hair for one minute, can you?”

Mats threw the little bit of paper he’d been crumpling up in his hands at Benedikt, who batted it away.

“I like it though. You keep up with the ‘sexy bedhead’ trend well.”

“Oh, shut up. At least I _have_ hair, you old man.”

“Excuse me, I had a transplant, I have _plenty_ of hair, thank you very much,” Benedikt said, grabbing at the front of his hair as if to ensure that yes, his transplant was still there.

Mats’ cheeks burned, and he thought he’d made a terrible mistake and couldn’t understand why he never kept his damn mouth shut when he should and couldn’t get it to work when he had to when he noticed that Benedikt was shaking his head with a coy grin.

“Getting a little sassy, are we? Someone’s coming out of their shell,” he said.

Mats wasn’t sure what to say to that, so he just blinked, watching Benedikt toss the pen in the trash. He couldn’t help peeking in there to see that there were two or three more pens in there.

“I, uh, I’ve got gum if you want some? Peppermint,” Mats said hopefully.

“No, thank you,” Benedikt replied lightly. “But you had some questions about the chapter?” He folded his hands and had that glint in his eye as if to say, ‘ha, I won and we’re not discussing my embarrassing habit right now’.

“Um. Yeah. So. Well, you see. I did. But. Um.” Mats’ mouth was drying faster than he could get the words out and he wished he’d had a piece of gum himself. Okay, he had officially been caught and he was screwed.

“You just wanted to see me,” Benedikt tutted. Mats was about to open his mouth and deny, deny, deny, but Benedikt kept talking. “Well, I’m glad you did because I have something to give to you.”

He then swiveled around in his chair, dug through a drawer and emerged with a plain white envelope. It read ‘Mats’ across the front in black ink.

“For you,” Benedikt explained, holding it up. “Just a little Christmas party I’m having at my place. I’d be honored if you could make it.”

Then he winked.

\---

He tore open the envelope as soon as he got home, inside which there was an invitation printed on a red card to a holiday party at Benedikt’s apartment on Tuesday the 23rd of December. 8 P.M. Complimentary wine and cheese would be provided. Semi-formal or holiday attire. RSVP by the 16th.

Benedikt Höwedes was officially more confusing than the most hormonal, moody teenage girl, Mats decided. First, he was avoiding him and then he was inviting him to his private holiday party.

It made sense, the more Mats thought about it. He was leading two lives in a way; one as a teacher, one as a regular guy looking for a relationship, and ever since Mats had walked into that classroom, his two lives had been thrown together and he was just trying to sort it all out. It had not gone unmissed that all the times Benedikt seemed to be the most himself were in private, where there was no risk of someone walking in and scolding him.

But one thing he was certain of, and even his deepest insecurities couldn’t argue against it: Benedikt liked him.

\---

“I couldn’t do it Miro. I caved,” Benedikt reported that evening, not even feeling sorry at all.

“What’d you do?”

“I tried ignoring him but I just felt so bad and he came up to me after class and he noticed how weird I was acting and I just couldn’t do it.”

“So?”

“I gave him the invitation. Thanks for everything, Miro, I know you’re probably sick of hearing about lovesick I am but I think I can handle this on my own now. I’ll stop bugging you.”

“You know I’m happy to help, Benni. And you know, it was pretty hilarious when you called me freaking out over not liking seafood.”

“Shut up. I was legitimately concerned.”

“But I expect a full report about everything that happens at the party.”

“Um. I thought you were coming?”

“Yeah, but, you know. The part where you drag him into the hallway and make out and drool all over each other? And I’m being prude here, Benni. You know what I mean.”

“Oh, _shut up._ And even if that happens, I’m not telling you anything.”

“And I’d expect that you wouldn’t. This is all on you now, Benni. This is between you and him. Once the holidays come around, there’s nothing to stop you.”

Benedikt tightened his grip on the phone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a bit of a filler chapter. The next is the first climax of the story.


	8. Good Tidings of Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Mats prepares for and celebrates Christmas, including going to a party that Benedikt has invited him to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a long time, but that's because this chapter is one of the most questionable IMO (if you don't like badly written lovey scenes then I suggest you skip over this one) and I was avoiding it. Hopefully the length will make up for the wait time :]
> 
> P.S. Thanks again to Erika for betaing. If you notice less typos from this point on, thank her cause she's the one who points them out so I can fix them without having to read over the rest of my own cringeworthy writing <3

**december. saturday**

Now that the semester was over and Mats had his first official set of college credits after successfully suffering through finals week and earning three respectable Cs, he felt like he could breathe for the first time in almost six years.

He’d made it through one semester, which meant he could make it through another, and another, and eventually he’d have completed enough semesters to get his degree.

It almost meant that Benedikt was no longer his professor. They were both free.

The party, on the other hand, was looming closer and closer, so Mats decided to take Sophie to the mall to go shopping even though it was disturbingly crowded because of Christmas being so soon.

He let her pick out whatever she wanted for Christmas. It was far easier that way because Mats never knew what to get her seeing as he wasn’t really hip to the whole five-year-old girl thing. She would have plenty of presents under the tree without much contribution from him, anyway, because it was Sophie’s mom’s year to have her for the holidays. That meant the normal custody arrangement was disrupted and Mats wouldn’t have her again until the day after Christmas. He wouldn’t be spending Christmas alone, though; his grandparents had invited the entire extended family to their farmhouse mansion, so he’d likely have more company than his sanity could handle this Christmas. But at least it was better than drinking eggnog in his kitchen by himself at one in the morning with three layers of socks on, which was sadly how his Christmas had played out two years ago.

While Sophie was examining a wide array of glittery and overpriced goods in the claustrophobic, messy Disney store, Mats was trying to think about what he could give Benedikt. He wanted it to be meaningful, but he realized he didn’t really know much about Benedikt except for that fact that he was a math nerd and a feisty flirt.

He had kept his eyes peeled but nothing seemed right. A gift basket full of fun bath products would’ve been his safest choice, but also dangerous in the fact that it was so unoriginal that it might backfire and insult Benedikt. The last thing Mats wanted was for Benedikt to think he’d just ordered a bunch of gift baskets online and handed them out to all his friends like candy on Halloween. And throwing in a book of Sudoku puzzles under the assumption that Benedikt loved math would just be adding insult to injury.

“What do you think I should get my friend for Christmas, Soph?” Mats asked his daughter, who was still prowling through the Disney store. He couldn’t believe he had resorted to asking for advice from a kindergartner.

“Is it a boy or a girl?”

“A boy.”

Sophie shrugged. “Well, boys like monsters and trucks and—”

Then her face lit up when she stumbled upon a pair of plastic light up slippers. “Daddy, I want _these_!” she exclaimed, grabbing them before anyone else could.

“Okay, sweetheart,” Mats replied absently. He took the slippers out of her hands as she went on to pick up a tube of lip gloss that appeared to have been left behind and that definitely wasn’t on sale, which she then proceeded to open up and apply directly to her mouth—

“Wha—Sophie, _no_ , that’s dirty! We don’t put things in our mouths if we don’t know where they came from. You understand me?”

“Mhm,” Sophie said, already distracted by a sparkly tiara she’d just discovered.

He pried the tube out of her fingers and dropped it back into the bin which she’d picked it out of. “Sheesh…” he muttered, turning away.

While Sophie continued to flit about, Mats spotted a sky blue _Frozen_ bathrobe that he thought was sort of cute. He pictured Sophie all bundled up in it after she had her bath during the winter and before he could think about what he was doing, he had landed himself in an ‘oh shit, this is the only one left in my daughter’s size and I have to get it before this other dad who’s probably twenty years older than me does’ kind of situation. He tried to look as innocent as possible as he marched towards it and snagged it up.

“Hey, now—” the dad began, holding out his arm.

Mats took one look at his face, smiled nobly, and immediately shoved the robe into his arms. “It’s yours. Merry Christmas, man.”

The sneer on the dad’s face softened and he almost looked thankful. Mats didn’t even feel too bad about giving in so easily—the guy was probably approaching the peak of his midlife crisis and facing a whole different level of existential dilemma than Mats was.

And so Mats and Sophie left the Disney store with a giant shopping bag filled with everything _Frozen_ related. Minus the bathrobe. But Mats couldn’t think of anything else they were missing. Maybe the kitchen sink, but that was it.

They went around the whole mall, listened to every single version of every single Christmas song probably around five times, and Mats still didn’t find anything he liked and could picture himself giving to Benedikt. Sophie was getting bored and starting to cling to Mats’ legs, which made it extremely difficult to walk, so he grabbed the Yoga Cats calendar that he’d been laughing at for longer than he should have based on how funny it actually was (he’d had a long day), paid for it, and left.

He wasn’t satisfied, but at least he wasn’t empty handed.

\---

“How many more days till Christmas?” Sophie inquired for the millionth time.

“Uh,” Mats said for the millionth time. He was losing track of all the calculations he’d had to make every time he was asked this. “Five.”

Sophie’s tiny body slumped over in disappointment. Five days was an eternity to her, and Mats himself remembered counting down the days till Christmas as a child, so he let her eat an ice cream sandwich on the couch while she watched _Frozen_ , also for the millionth time, dressed up in all her new ice princess gear.

Mats himself was also preoccupied on the couch with an ice cream sandwich, but he was doing a thorough inspection of Benedikt’s Instagram account. His insides did flips at all the #TBT’s, some of which were pictures from high school, a time during which Benedikt flaunted an incredible side fringe that Mats made a mental note to tease him about once they got to that stage in their relationship (Mats was one to talk; his hair in high school had been neat and short compared to overgrown mess it was now). But there was one photo in particular that Mats couldn’t tear his greedy eyes away from.

It was difficult for Mats to wrap his mind around the sheer inferiority of the picture. First of all, there was that damn scarf. Then, there was the fact that it was in black and white. Third, there were those eyes that bore directly into the soul of the beholder. Fourth, there were those perfect, angular cheekbones, and the perfectly balanced brow bones, heavy enough to be masculine but light enough to be friendly. And finally, had Benedikt gone to a studio or something to get this taken? Was he that into himself?

Benedikt didn’t look like your typical handsome guy. He didn’t have thick, dark eyebrows that had to be maintained or a perfectly square jaw or straight white teeth. That’s what Mats had, and that’s how he’d gotten so much action in high school and his first attempt at college. But there was something so unique about Benedikt’s beauty that Mats couldn’t pinpoint. He couldn’t think of anyone else who looked even remotely like Benedikt, unless you counted his brother, who appeared in a few of his pictures and was blonder. Still, brother Höwedes was no Benedikt.

Scrolling through the rest of the pictures, many of them were similar. Professional quality, dramatic profile shots. But there were also those of Benedikt just having fun; at a club, his arms around his friend's’ shoulders and a goofy smile on his face; at the beach with nothing but swim shorts on; and then there were the ones that Benedikt had taken himself. A view from the highpoint of a day hike. His breakfast. A tribute to his late senior dog.

A bitter taste formed at the back of Mats’ throat. He wouldn’t say he was jealous of Benedikt, but he was a bit wistful of the life Benedikt was living that he’d never had the chance to live and never would.

Maybe Benedikt had only initially been into Mats because of his looks. But Mats had spent that one afternoon ranting to him about Walmart and the dinner had come after that, so that couldn’t be it, or?

That was what bothered Mats the most. Why would someone like Benedikt give his life up to be with someone like Mats?

 _Would_ he?

\---

**december. tuesday**

Mats had just gotten back from his shift at the mall, having asked for a rare night off at Walmart, and he was beginning to panic. He couldn’t show up at Benedikt’s fancy party with nothing but a calendar full of cats doing funny poses.

Honestly, what had he been _thinking_? The damn bath bomb basket would’ve been less embarrassing than this. Now that he wasn’t surrounded by the overstimulating atmosphere of the mall and had had plenty of time to ponder, he had so many ideas: a soccer scarf and two tickets for the next home game, a snowball blaster, hell, he could’ve baked a batch of homemade chocolate chip cookies and put it in a tin with a ribbon—

Which he still had time to do if he started _right now_. He’d have to substitute regular tupperware for the higher class tin, but it would do.

Just shy of two hours later, the cookies were arranged in the tupperware container, Mats was in the car, and Benedikt’s address was already programmed into the GPS on his phone.

\---

Mats entered the temporary guest code that was given on the invitation and buzzed into the building.

He was surprised to learn that Benedikt lived not in one of those fancy, newer apartments with a Starbucks on the bottom floor and elevators instead of moldy stairwells, but in one more or less like his own. Sure, maybe Benedikt’s landlord was a little more in touch with the upkeep of the place than Mats’ was. But it was similar anyhow.

Mats found Benedikt’s place and knocked on the door, the cookies tucked safely in the crook of his arm. He held his breath as he heard the doorknob jingling.

“Look who it is,” Benedikt exclaimed as soon as he opened the door.

“Hi,” Mats said. If he hadn’t been panicking before, the reason was because it had all been saving itself for this very moment when Mats stepped into Benedikt’s apartment.

Benedikt opened his arm for a hug. “How’ve you been?”

“Um—”

 _Hug first, then answer,_ Mats reasoned with himself as he clearly couldn’t multitask at this particular time.

Mats stepped forward to hug Benedikt and the tupperware landed with a dull thump on the carpet.

“Oh no…”

Mats’ face was burning. He half expected Benedikt to laugh, but instead, the blond man picked up the tupperware and turned it over in his hands, studying it. “Did you make these, Mats?”

“Yeah. They’re for you.” Mats’ swell of affection at Benedikt for trying to help him not feel humiliated was almost as great as the fulfillment he felt from the recognition of his homemade cookies.

“You’re sweet. Should I put them out with the other snacks, or?”

“No,” Mats said quickly. “They’re for you. I mean, unless you want to—”

“I was hoping you’d say that.” Benedikt winked before he spun around again, adding, “make yourself at home” over his shoulder before he disappeared into the kitchen.

Mats let out a sigh of relief. His first encounter with Benedikt had gone relatively well and the initial burst of self-awareness was now gone.

He took a survey of the apartment. It couldn’t have been any bigger than his, and perhaps it was even smaller, though that would make sense if Benedikt lived alone. He had decorated the place with white and gold Christmas lights and mistletoe, and Frank Sinatra was singing from a record player on the table. It was cozy, and it was already crowded. Mats wasn’t quite sure what to do with himself. He didn’t know anyone here except Benedikt. Had he expected the poor guy to chauffeur him around the entire evening? Maybe introducing him to a few people would’ve been nice, but it appeared that Benedikt was pretty popular and had other things to attend to.

This reminded Mats of when he was a kid and had always been overwhelmed by social gatherings. He ate lunch in the counselor’s office up until the third grade because the cafeteria had simply been too much for him. He was glad Sophie hadn’t taken after him in that respect. Mats wouldn’t say she was extensively outgoing, but she was approachable and had her friends and didn’t require any special accommodations like Mats had.

He missed his daughter. The day after Christmas wasn’t going to come fast enough.

A hand on his shoulder and Mats almost jumped. “Have you tried any of the cheese yet?”

“I was just about to.” Mats arranged his face into a smile that hopefully conveyed he was having the time of his life.

Benedikt seemed satisfied. “Have as much as you want, that’s what it’s there for. And,” he leaned in close so his breath was fanning Mats’ ear—“let me know if there’s anything I can do for you, okay? I want you to enjoy yourself.”

Mats nodded numbly. “Okay.”

Benedikt paused. He down on his lip, as if deciding whether or not to say something else, but decided not to as he gave Mats’ shoulder a reassuring squeeze and slipped away once more.

So Benedikt knew that Mats wasn’t having fun. Great. Maybe it was time to stop sulking about Benedikt giving attention to his other friends and act like how one is generally supposed to at a party.

Benedikt had set up the wine and cheese in the kitchen. The kitchen, apparently, was an even more popular hangout spot than the living room. A gangly man in a Santa hat and ridiculously hideous Christmas sweater had drawn quite the crowd of both men and women as he told some story, his wine glass swinging about dangerously in his hand.

“Thomas…” Another man rolled his eyes as he extracted the glass from his friend’s hand and pushed his way out of the circle.

The man exchanged a look with Mats, who had watched this entire affair. “Doesn’t know when to stop, does he?”

Mats shrugged. The man frowned.

“I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Miro.” He held out his hand and shook Mats’ firmly.

“Mats. Nice to meet you.”

It might’ve been Mats mentioning his name, but the recognition didn’t appear on Miro’s face until after he’d completed a head to toe scan of Mats. “And you’re—” his eyes met Mats’ once again—“a student?”

“Yep. I’m studying history and journalism.”

More recognition, and Miro smiled warmly. “Good for you. So much more practical than studying _math_ like the dweeb who’s hosting this party has …”

Mats forced a laugh, then remembered his manners and asked Miro what he did.

The two of them talked for a few minutes, but Mats still couldn’t figure out where he knew this Miro from. Miro seemed to know him. Maybe he was a frequent shopper at Walmart or something. Mats had no way of knowing, though, so he let it go.

\---

“Come on, dance with me.”

The girl was surprised, but her eyes filled with lust as soon as she peered up through her eyelashes at Mats.

“Couldn’t resist with a girl as pretty as you are,” Mats slurred.

He wrapped his hands easily around her waist, and they were dancing. It was perfect.

And Mats was only slightly intoxicated, of course. Not totally impaired.

He felt like was in college again. He felt confident and charming and the only difference between this and college were the people. Everyone here was a real adult and he was still an immature halfwit.

He was getting attention, that was for sure, and when he saw how many amused faces he had attracted, he did only what seemed plausible and took advantage of it.

“Who wants to see a party trick?” Mats shouted.

He didn’t even wait for his audience to respond in the affirmative before he tilted his head back, spat in the air, and then caught most of it in his mouth again. There were a few whoops as well as some disgusted looks. Then he took a bow and even blew a few kisses before he felt a pair of hands under his armpits, yanking him away.

About time. He’d already made enough of a fool out of himself.

“What are you doing?” Mats garbled.

“You’re drunk,” Benedikt said shortly.

“You’re no fun.”

“You’re drunk.” 

“Am not.”

Benedikt eased Mats down to sit on his bed. “Now stay here and I’ll be back. If you’re gonna throw up—” he flicked on the light in his bathroom—“do it in here, please.”

“I’m so _fucking_ hot,” Mats announced. He fanned his face with his hand.

“You’re also drunk.”

“Wait, can you stay in here with me?”

Benedikt’s forehead knotted with concern. “I’ll be back.”

He left the room and Mats slumped over. This wasn’t fun. He wanted to be back out with everyone else. It was too quiet in here and it was making him feel anxious.

The door opened and in came Miro with a plastic cup of water. “Drink,” he said, handing the cup to Mats.

“Slowly,” he added, his eyebrows shooting up. “Just sip.”

“Done,” Mats panted. He returned the cup to Miro, who shook his head and left.

Where was Benedikt?

Mats curled up into a ball and started whimpering. Yeah, okay, he was totally blown, he could admit that now. He didn’t care anymore. He felt awful and just wanted someone to make it stop.

“Mats? Still holding up in there?”

Mats gave a thumbs up.

“I just have to say goodbye to a few more people and then I’ll be there with you, okay?”

Benedikt shut the door once more, and Mats decided it would be a good time to stumble into the bathroom and pee. He must have sobered up a little bit during the time he’d been in there because it was just beginning to dawn on him what an idiot he was. He’d gone and proven to Benedikt how desirable he really was. He’d proven to himself that he still wasn’t the best father he could be. He’d let down more than himself tonight. That was the difference between now and then. He’d let down the man who gave him a chance, and his own daughter who relied on him.

Mats washed his hands before he left the bathroom. On his way out, he caught a photo laying atop Benedikt’s dresser out of the corner of his vision.

The ears, the eyes, even the hair … Mats could’ve been drunk off the face of the planet and still recognized the little boy eating ice cream and leaning into his father, his little fingers spread out on his dad’s leg. Every child trusts their father up until a certain age before they start to question and realize that even their parents aren’t perfect. The love might never leave, but the trust certainly can.

Mats didn’t have a lot of pictures with Sophie, particularly not from the first part of her life since he hadn’t really been too present. So how was she going to remember? Would the absence of photographs like this one be telling in itself?

Taking a look at the race numbers, Mats wondered if Benedikt had been forced to try running later on just like he had.

The picture was still in his hand when Benedikt came back.

“Where’d you find that?” Benedikt asked.

Mats pointed to the dresser, eyes still glued to the picture. Benedikt pulled it gently out of his hands and slid it back into one of the drawers. Then he sat down next to Mats, wrinkling his nose as he smelled the excessive alcohol that clung to Mats’ breath.

“I can’t remember the last time I got drunk,” Mats started to ramble. “I still am. I would go home and stop being a burden on you, but I don’t want to drive like this and I don’t want to leave you when I’m like this because then you might think I’ll never come back.”

“I never thought that you would leave. I thought that we really had something going here, and I still think we do.”

“You’re the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen. Please just take me now,” Mats begged, and he couldn’t tell if he was actually crying a bit or just drunk crying. He didn’t know when Benedikt had started to hold his hand, but now he was holding it tightly enough for Mats to notice.

“Oh, Mats …” Benedikt pressed his cheek into Mats’ shoulder, hugging him with one arm. He couldn’t help but noticed how Mats reeked of sweat and alcohol and how his shirt and hairline were wet with perspiration.

“Fuck me now,” Mats breathed.

“Absolutely not. Not while you’re like this.”

“I want you to teach me a lesson, _Professor_. Show me how bad boys get punished.”

“Stop that,” Benedikt said.

But actions were speaking a far different language from his words. He had pushed Mats down onto his back, far more aggressively than he’d intended, and started unbuttoning Mats’ shirt from the bottom up while Mats fumbled with the top. He untucked Mats’ shirt from his pants, revealing his naval trail, and pushed his nose down into it, trailing sloppy kisses all over Mats’ hard, hot stomach, the salt from his sweat potent on Benedikt’s tongue. His low rise jeans hung just along his hip bones, making it easy for Benedikt to slip off the belt and gain access to the deep indents between his hips and pelvis, those sharp v-lines. Mats was wriggling below him, so Benedikt pinned down his wrists and worked his way up to bite his nipples and then his collarbones, sucking a harsh bruise just above one of them, until he was hovering just above his lips.

Benedikt ripped away the last of Mats’ shirt. He wasn’t going to take Mats tonight. He couldn’t. He already felt guilty for what he had done while Mats was still hazy, but one last kiss in the right place couldn’t hurt …

He licked his own lips before lowering himself down once more. Mats was already out of breath. He held Mats’ head still with his hands; his cheeks were hot and dry, but his lips were cool and so wet and so welcoming to Benedikt’s, the stubble on Mats’ face rubbing against his.

Mats was gasping into Benedikt’s mouth and Benedikt was moaning. He could feel Mats hardening underneath him and that only increased his own desire, but he couldn’t do it right now. So instead, he pushed himself as deeply into Mats as he could with what he had. He was electrified. The blood was pounding so violently in his ears that he could hear none of the noises either of them were producing, whether it be from their throats or their bodies sliding against each other.

He rolled Mats over so that he could be on the bottom, feel the heavy weight of Mats above him and his damp, dark hair tickling his cheeks and forehead. Benedikt’s hands travelled all the way down Mats’ thick shoulders, his frame angling inward like a man’s figure should, until they settled low on Mats’ back, right in the dip before the curve of his ass. He hesitated for only a fraction of a section before he reached into Mats’ pants, feeling up his ass briefly before forcing his hips up with one hand and wrapping the other around his stiff cock. It took almost no time before Mats was coming undone in spurts, the hot, thick liquid landing right onto his stomach and Benedikt’s hand, which he then used to jerk himself off to climax with a growl.

“Benni!” a strangled cry shot out along with the cum. “I wanted you to fuck me, dammit! You’re such a fucking tease!”

Mats wasn’t mad at Benedikt. He was mad at himself because was he really _that_ easy?

“Shhh,” Benedikt cooed to the man who was now collapsed on top of him. He tried to kiss him into silence, but it was hard because both of their chests were heaving.

“I’m so fucking horny. I don’t care if I already came. I’ll get hard again just for you to fuck me,” Mats rasped.

“Shush. We’re done.”

Benedikt held him close. He didn’t know how long they stayed like that, Mats’ pleas to be fucked becoming less and less persistent until he gave up.

Finally, Mats climbed off of him and it was quiet.

Mats was dizzy, even lying down. But it was the kind of dizzy that came with feeling so good that you didn’t know if it was real or not. He felt amazing. He had come, and for the first time, it was because of the love, not sex.

“Thank you,” Mats murmured. “For not fucking me even though I told you to.”

“It was my pleasure.”

“I would’ve dominated you anyway. I’m bigger,” Mats added.

“I know. That’s just one of the reasons why you’re so hot.” And it was true. Benedikt absolutely love the space Mats’ body commanded, how thick and sturdy he felt. “But you need to sleep now, baby.”

“Don’t wanna.”

Benedikt sighed. He shifted onto his side so he could face Mats, who was blinking over and over again.

“Where’d you get that scar next to your eye from?” Mats yawned, soothing his thumb tenderly over the area.

Benedikt took a while to answer. Finally, he said, “Someone hit me.”

“What happened?”

“My dad.”

The picture flashed briefly in Mats’ vision before fading out again.

“He had a disease. It wasn’t his fault that he hit me, but it was his fault that he didn’t do anything to help himself.”

“That makes sense,” Mats said. He wasn’t going to argue. It wasn’t worth it. It wouldn’t change anything.

“He was a good dad.” Benedikt closed his eyes and Mats felt a surge of protectiveness. He slung his arm over Benedikt’s side and inched in a little closer. Hadn’t Benedikt been calling his dad a drunken piece of shit just two months ago?

“My brother and I got along usually, but since he was older, he got bossy sometimes and then we’d end up fighting and stuff. That’s normal for siblings, I guess, rolling on the ground trying to kill each other. I think a lot of parents would’ve got mad at him or even at me, but he never got mad at either of us. He would just make us sit in the kitchen and tell us to make ugly faces at each other and we would be cracking ourselves up again within two minutes.”

Even though his head was clouded, Mats still felt the pang of guilt. Benedikt’s father had been an alcoholic. So it only made sense that he was probably a little more sensitive than most people when it came to excessive drinking.

“I’m sorry for dragging you off into this room and leaving you here by yourself. I was just worried,” Benedikt finished.

“I get it,” Mats said. “And I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too. I didn’t know you weren’t comfortable. I should’ve done more to help you feel more welcome and I’m sorry that I didn’t.”

“That wasn’t your responsibility,” Mats yawned. He was too exhausted to do this right now. He just wanted to fall asleep, and he hoped he wouldn’t need to drive all the way back home to do so. Luckily, Benedikt seemed to have the same idea as he pushed himself up onto all fours, pulled up the comforter that had fallen off the bed, and draped it over the two of them.

Mats nuzzled into the blond man’s neck, comfortable shivers already beginning to run through him from the warmth of their entwined bodies trapped under the comforter.

“We’ll talk tomorrow. Just sleep.”

“Night, Benni.”

“Goodnight.”

\---

_“I don’t want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need. I don’t care about the presents, underneath the Christmas tree. I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know. Make my wish come true …”_

Mats bolted upright and regretted doing so immediately.

His head was swimming, an indication that he was probably slightly hungover. Benedikt was singing in the shower, and, having left the door slightly ajar, his voice sailed directly into Mats’ ears. And it really only sounded _half_ bad.

Mats put two and two together to recall last night’s events, but he was far too out of sorts to give it a second thought. He lay back down into the fluff of Benedikt’s bed, breathing in the scent of the other man that lingered on the pillows and sheets.

How had Mats ended up as the big spoon? That was the only question he wanted to know the answer to right now.

“Baby, all I want for Christmas is you …”

Then the shower went off and Benedikt stopped singing long enough for Mats to croak, “if you’re going to sing Christmas carols in the shower at eight in the morning, at least pick one that suits your vocal range.”

Benedikt swung the door open and his face brightened into an enormous grin when he saw that Mats was awake. “Morning, sleepy head. Rise and shine, it’s Christmas Eve!”

Mats wanted to wipe that smug smirk right off his face, but he had a greater desire to roll over and drag the pillow over his head, so he did that.

“Ten more minutes,” he grumbled.

“Oh, get up, lazybones. Don’t you have a shift at Walmart today?”

“Macy’s,” Mats corrected him automatically. He tried not to think about how nightmarish _that_ was going to be. If he’d thought Saturday at the mall was bad, today was going to be an actual zoo. At least he got paid time and a half.

He felt the bed dip down and a weight next to him. The next thing he knew, his protective pillow had been removed and Benedikt was smothering his wet body all over Mats’ almost-naked one.

“Stop,” Mats whined. He was already cold without being wet.

“Get up.” A kiss to the tip of his nose and then Benedikt was up again, adjusting the towel in a low position around his waist. He went over to his closet, and it was hard for Mats not to notice the water droplets sliding off his shoulders before being caught by his collarbones. His nipples were erect and the hair on his arms stood on end from the chill in the air; his jaw gave away the fact that his teeth were chattering.

“Why don’t you just get back in bed,” Mats suggested, “and we can both stop being cold?”

Benedikt ignored him and continued to dress. Mats watched attentively as he dropped the towel and pulled on a pair of undies.

And Mats couldn’t help his mouth.

“Trying to woo me with your pale white ass?”

He was almost as surprised at his own comment as Benedikt seemed to be. The blond man flushed heavily as he scrambled the rest of the way into his pants, but composed himself quickly enough to turn around and point a finger in Mats’ direction. “Watch it, sassafrass. You know, I liked you a lot better when you stuttered over every word like a schoolboy with a crush.”

“Okay, professor,” Mats said with a grin. He was liking this little game now that he was finally winning.

“Sass me one more time and I’ll go back and fail you.” Benedikt was trying to sound threatening, but he crumbled and started laughing halfway through his sentence at the same time that he received a pelt in the stomach with the pillow that Mats had just thrown at him, making him laugh even harder.

He’d never heard Benedikt laugh like that before. He sounded happy, in a giddy sort of way, and Mats decided that he liked the sound of it.

\---

Half an hour later, Mats and Benedikt were both in the kitchen. Mats sat at the table with his sore head in his hands, peeking through his fingers while Benedikt prepared toast and fried eggs.

Benedikt brought over a plate and slid it in front of Mats, who picked up the toast and took a reluctant bite. The little appetite he’d had left disappeared as soon as the dry taste hit his mouth. He just couldn’t shake off the feeling that he wasn’t supposed to be here right now, that he should be back at his own place like every other normal guest from last night who hadn’t been trashy enough to get drunk and ruin all the hard work Benedikt had put into throwing a really nice, elaborate party.

Mats chewed, but it was like chewing on carpet. He had to drink half his glass of orange juice in order to get it down. He heard the sound of wood moving against tile as Benedikt sat down next to him at the small round table with his own breakfast, close enough so that their knees were touching and they would have to untangle their chair’s legs before either of them could stand up again.

The ten minutes of fun and teasing was over. Mats just wanted to get out of here. He loved being with Benedikt and was in awe at how comfortable he felt around the other man, but this wasn’t how it was supposed to be.

If it were ever necessary, what would Benedikt say to all his friends? ‘Hey, I’m dating this guy Mats Hummels. Mats? Yeah, he’s the guy who got shitfaced at my party and ran around with the vacuum cleaner yelling _Accio_!’

“You’re still mad at yourself for last night, aren’t you?” Benedikt took a bite of his heavily peppered egg and waited for Mats’ answer.

“Um. Yeah. A bit. I mean—”

“There’s no reason to be. You weren’t the only one. Miro had an empty car on the way here and a full one on the way back … He’s a lifesaver.” Benedikt gushed. “Last thing I wanted to do after the party was drive around town as a fallback everyone’s drunk asses.”

“Uh,” Mats said intelligently. _But you were the fallback for_ my _drunk ass?_

“But you were the most entertaining. Everyone thought you were hilarious, so don’t feel bad.”

“You didn’t think it was hilarious,” Mats pointed out.

Benedikt frowned. “I told you, I was just really worried because how was I supposed to know what you’d end up doing? I shouldn’t have worried though. I should’ve filmed you instead.”

Mats wanted to laugh at how genuinely concerned Benedikt seemed about not having filmed it. “Yeah, it’s a shame you didn’t. I could’ve submitted it when I apply to be the star when they remake _Harry Potter_ ,” he said, sarcasm dripping from every pore in body.

Benedikt shrugged. “You kind of look like him. Especially with the hair, didn’t he have that whole jet black, permanently untidy thing going on?”

Mats’ hands automatically rose to smooth down his hair, which was even more of a disaster than it usually was due to both whatever had happened in bed last night and the fact that he hadn’t showered yet.

“Hey, don’t do that. I like it. I’m just teasing you.” Benedikt took his wrist and pulled his hand back down, keeping their hands locked together.

That was the second time Benedikt had mentioned liking Mats’ hair. Maybe it was time to pick up a new mannerism. Maybe he could start picking at his nails or something instead. Or chewing on pens like Benedikt did so frequently.

\---

The breakfast plates were in the sink and Benedikt was reaching into the top of a cabinet to extract the cookies from their hiding spot, his flannel riding a little up his hip and making Mats’ insides squirm.

“So when did you take up baking, sassafrass?” Benedikt wanted to know.

“I have a five-year-old daughter who happens to have a sweet tooth nearly as bad as mine,” Mats responded as Benedikt set down the tupperware and opened it, grabbing a cookie and sticking it in his mouth.

Mats waited for the disappointment to show on his face, for him to remember that the guy he had slept with (literally, slept with, thank you very much) had a child. But it never came. There was nothing on Benedikt’s face but pure bliss as he chewed and swallowed the cookie, perhaps a bit exaggerated, but Mats appreciated the fact that he was trying to humor him.

“Mmmmmm,” he hummed. Then his eyes shot open. “Oh, I have something for you, too.”

Benedikt took another cookie before telling Mats that he’d be right back and disappearing, returning moments later with a thin package wrapped in shiny gold paper.

“It’s not much,” he said, “but I thought it was funny.”

For one wild moment, Mats thought that it might be a Yoga Cats calendar. He took the present from Benedikt and unwrapped it as carefully as he could. Out fell—a calendar. With puppies. Puppies doing yoga poses.

“What? Is this real?” Mats asked incredulously.

“Totally,” Benedikt grinned from ear to ear. “Thought it would be a nice little warning to you that if we ever buy a house together, we’re adopting the entire animal shelter.”

“The cats too?”

“Of course.”

“One would think that the bad experience feeding your neighbor’s cat would be a turn off.”

“Doesn’t mean I don’t have a heart.”

“Get out of here,” Mats said, cursing himself over and over again for not following his damn instinct.

Benedikt couldn’t stop smiling.

\---

The day was gray and blustery, nothing like the day before Christmas should be, but the holiday lights twinkling resplendently throughout the town did well to negotiate. Mats tugged his hood down over his ears and shoved his hands deep into his pockets as he braced himself against the cold for his car, which hopefully hadn’t been towed since overnight non-permit holding parking was illegal.

Mats knew it was going to be a good day when he saw that his car was still there. That, and the fact he was faring better than ever with the whole ‘Help, I have a crush on my professor’ situation.

He’d left Benedikt’s apartment with no regrets, except that they hadn’t actually talked about anything. Still. The feelings were there, whether either of them would admit it to each other or not.

So even if it was all just a game, it was one that Mats was willing to play. At least for the time being.

\---

_2:53 P.M._

_From: Benedikt  
Hope you’re having fun with the hordes of holiday shopping procrastinators :D I meant to ask you btw...what’s with the nickname?_

_7:06 P.M._

_To: Benedikt  
Sorry for the late response, just got on break and I’m about ready to kill myself. And what?_

_7:09 P.M._

_From: Benedikt  
You started to call me Benni … Just wondering cause I never told you to call me that yet_

_7:09 P.M._

_To: Benedikt  
Idk. I can stop if you don’t like it? I heard other people calling you that and I guess I just like it more. Benedikt reminds me of you being a professor and Benni reminds me of just you_

_7:22 P.M._

_From: Benedikt  
Ah gotcha. I didn’t really want you calling me Benni when you were still my student but things are different now I guess ;)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With the two photos I mentioned in this chapter, I did have particular ones in mind and I was originally going to include them in the text but I decided not to. But if you've internet-stalked Benni as much as I have you might know what they are ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	9. An Icy Birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benedikt helps Mats throw a birthday party for Sophie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi?
> 
> Well, if anyone's still around, thank you for your patience in waiting for this :) A couple notes. Firstly, my beta is no longer able to help edit the chapters, so we're back at square one (read: chapter 2 notes). Hope y'all don't mind. Secondly....well actually I don't have a secondly. 
> 
> I know I always say this 308230582035802 times, but I'll try to be better about updating from now on (hint: comments always make me wanna update faster *wink wink*). Should be pretty easy now that all I have to do is copy and paste the chapter. I'll be in Germany for the next two weeks (!!!!!!!!!!!!) but I should be able to update from my phone :)
> 
> Anyways. Well, I hope you enjoy the chapter. Figured I should post something today since it's the two year anniversary of my oldest fic.
> 
> The kudos, subs, bookmarks, and especially comments...they all mean the world to me. I wouldn't be updating this without your support. Thank you <3

**january. sunday**

Mats had been racing around all morning, trying to get the laundry done so even if his apartment looked like a wreck when Benedikt—or Benni?—arrived, at least it wouldn’t look like a wreck with dirty clothes all over the place. Leroy was currently entertaining Sophie, so at least he didn’t have to worry about her for the time being …

Shift at the mall. Check. Laundry. Check. Maybe he could squeeze in some dishes? Or take a shower because even though most of his body was numb from the cold, his underarms were still sweating because underarms can’t take freaking a hint that it isn’t actually hot out.

Too late. His phone was buzzing, an indication that Benedikt was downstairs waiting to be let in the building.

“Be right back,” Mats called to Leroy as he grabbed his jacket before dashing out the door. Okay, so he’d already made one mistake today which was making Bened—Benni (who _was_ this guy, Professor Höwedes or Benedikt or Benni?) wait for him when he should’ve been the one downstairs waiting. _Way to go, Mats._

Benni was outside, his head tilted back and his mouth slightly open, sending out puffs of breath into the nippy air as he examined the outside of Mats’ building. He was wearing an enormous tan trenchcoat, an even more enormous infinity scarf and a beanie to top it all off. Mats was baffled; Benni was usually quite fashionable, but this wasn’t really cutting it. Admittedly, Benni could’ve worn a trash bag and aluminum foil on his feet and still looked amazing.

“Ready?” Benni grinned, his cheeks shiny and round from the cold, making the dimples slicing through them even more prominent than normal.

 _Ready? Um._ Did they mean Benni wasn’t going to come into Mats’ apartment and warm up before they headed out to Party City, AKA a dumping ground for the nation’s most overpriced plastic crap?

Apparently. Mats was let off the hook this time.

\---

“Mats.”

“Hum.”

Benni was tickling Mats’ face and neck with a giant unidentifiable feathered good while Mats absently batted it away. He was staring at the shelf before him, but was so focused on Benni’s presence and the damn feather that he had no clue what he was looking at.

“Just a thought,” Benni said, twirling the feather around Mats’ ear. “But maybe we can find better decorations for your daughter’s birthday in an aisle other than, you know. The Halloween discount aisle. No offense.”

“None taken,” Mats said genially.

Benni took Mats by the elbow and led him away. Mats followed obediently, quite grateful that Benni was taking charge of things because booking the cheap party room at the roller skating place and arranging tickets for 10 of Sophie’s friends had been exhausting enough for Mats. Since Sophie had spent Christmas at her mom’s, that meant Mats was in charge of her birthday celebrations. But he wasn’t really the birthday party kind of dad, so he’d called up Benni and begged for help, both with the planning and with the whole being in charge of 11 five and six year olds who had wheels under their feet and access to sugar.

The new semester was set to begin the coming week. Mats and Benni had spent a large portion of the winter break with each other, namely whenever Mats didn’t have work. They did everything together they could think of: ice skating, restaurants, movies, hanging out at Benni’s apartment, and even so, Mats couldn’t wait to spend another moment with him. The holiday break had been almost magical in that respect. He simply felt like himself around the other man.

\---

It didn’t occur to Mats that this would be the first (well, second if you counted when he’d brought her to class when she was sick) time that Sophie would be meeting Benni.

He and Mats had arrived early to decorate the party room and make sure everything was running smoothly. Leroy would bring Sophie by later on, and then the guests would arrive and chaos would officially reign. Supposedly, there would be some staff to help out but Mats doubted that any of the catty teenagers he’d spoken to on the phone would contribute much to the cause.

So, it looked like it was going to be him and Benni.

Benni had brilliantly located an entire section of _Frozen_ balloons and napkins and plates and streamers and was now bustling about the place, getting everything in order. Mats was sitting in one of the folding chairs, his mouth hanging ajar and his elbow on the table as he watched Benni transform the room into a _Frozen_ haven like a pro. Even Mats, who would rather have a dead puppy theme than a _Frozen_ one at this point, had to confess that his now six-year-old daughter would absolutely love it.

Benni paused for a moment to check his watch, remarking, “they should be here soon.”

Mats blinked stupidly. Then his heart jumped straight to his throat as it occurred to him that the two people he cared about most in this world would be meeting each other any moment now.

Sure enough, Leroy was approaching with the birthday girl.

What if Sophie hated Benedikt? What if they didn’t get along and Benedikt didn’t like children and it all turned into a great tumultuous disaster? Maybe Mats should’ve checked with Sophie before bringing a random stranger to her birthday party, and, you know, possibly introduced them beforehand? Second mistake of the day.

The memo hadn’t gone around that the party was now _Frozen_ themed, so Sophie was still wearing the red dress with the white sash and headband with the bow that Mats had chosen for her. If Mats hadn’t been biased, he could’ve safely claimed that she was the cutest kindergartner on the planet. Or, fair enough, tied with that one picture of Benni with his dad and brother.

Mats cleared his throat, preparing to explain to Sophie who the hell the blond man hanging up fake icicles in the corner was.

There was no need to, however, because Sophie already knew.

“Daddy!” she exclaimed, jumping up excitedly to give Mats a bone-breaking monkey hug as soon as she saw him. He waved to Leroy, mouthed ‘thank you’, and then turned his attention to his daughter.

“How’s my birthday girl?” he beamed.

Sophie informed him that she was doing good, and then proceeded to ask why Mats had invited his teacher to her birthday party, to which Benni responded by bursting out laughing.

“Can I invite _my_ teacher, too?” Sophie wanted to know.

Mats kicked Benni’s shin in a kind of ‘will you please shut up because I am about to crush her hopes and dreams on her birthday’ way. “Um … well … you see, sweetheart … I’m a grown up and my teacher is a grown up … and, well … Benni’s not exactly my teacher anymore, so … uh …”

Sophie did not look very convinced. She peered up at Benni, who was still giggling with his hands clapped over his mouth.

“Help me,” Mats hissed.

Benni finally composed himself enough to take his hands away from his face, though he was still grinning madly as he began to dig through his pocket for something. Mats just loved that smile of his. He could always tell when Benni was truly smiling because his whole face gave way to it, the corners of his eyes crinkling adorably, and it made him giddy the way Benni’s hair was flatter than usual from the dry weather but pieces of it stood on end from the rush of the last-minute preparations this morning. His thin lips were a shade darker against his pale face from the cold weather, and he looked absolutely beautiful. Mats’ tongue flicked out to wet his lips.

“You can make friends with your teacher after you graduate,” Benni said as he crouched down, holding something in his hands and Sophie chewed on her nail as she watched him. “My name’s Benni. How old are you turning, Miss Sophie?”

Sophie didn’t proudly announce that she was turning _six_ as she’d been doing all morning to Leroy, but continued biting her finger and stared at the ground.

Mats shot an apologetic grimace at Benni before back sitting down in the folding chair and asking his daughter if she could please tell Benni how old she was.

“I don’t bite,” Benni said as he waited patiently.

Sophie hugged one of Mats’ knees and he readjusted her headband, which was slipping around her curls. “Do you want me to answer for you, or do you want to be a big girl and do it yourself?”

Sophie seemed to consider this offer for a moment before turning back to Benni and piping up that she was six. Benni then let her take the small package out of his hands and unwrap it to reveal a silver charm bracelet. He helped her to slip it over a tiny wrist and then stood back up.

“Can you say thank you to Benni?” Mats said.

“Thank you,” Sophie said quietly. She was examining the bracelet, which was adorned with eleven _Frozen_ themed charms. For a moment, Mats was horrified that she would say something about not liking it simply because she was still at the age where castle play houses and giant stuffed dolphins create the most excitement. But she seemed to be happy with it, and that made Mats marvel at how mature she was becoming and how fast she was growing up. One year ago she probably would have been too shy to thank Benni by herself.

“Isn’t it pretty?” Mats prompted.

Sophie nodded.

\---

The birthday party was in full swing. Mats was overseeing the kids as they skated, and Benni was playing the role of mediator whenever the kids started getting pushy with each other.

“Look at you. You should’ve been an elementary school teacher,” Mats joked.

“But then I wouldn’t have met you,” Benedikt pointed out with a wink.

Admittedly, Mats was growing a little nervous about how Sophie’s rowdy, rambunctious friend Luca was behaving. Someone was going to end up in tears any moment now and it was probably going to be Luca, who had stick straight hair even blonder than Sophie’s. He tried to go so fast that he kept toppling over and crashing into other people, causing Mats to curse himself for choosing a party destination that could lead to him potentially being sued by his fellow kindergarten parents.

The rink was getting more and more crowded with more people, kids bigger and stronger than Sophie and her lot of kindergarten friends, so Mats turned to Benni to suggest they gather everyone and go back to the room for pizza. But he’d only opened his mouth about halfway before he heard a loud knocking noise and a wail.

“Oh dear—”

Benni had rushed onto the rink before Mats could even blink properly, and he gathered the crying boy in his arms, returning to settle him on a bench and tend to his scraped knee.

Mats watched as Luca scrubbed at his eyes and Benni comforted him, sticking a colorful band-aid on his knee and then helping him take his roller skates off. It was so incredibly sweet and Benni was so gentle with the young boy that Mats almost forgot he was supposed to be getting all the other kids off the rink and into the party room.

\---

The pizza was less than par and the cake Mats had bought at the grocery store was far too sugary, but thankfully you can’t tell how something tastes from a picture.

Remembering his promise to himself, he snapped as many he could and even snapped one of Benni and Sophie as she blew out her candles. That’s when one of the party monitors came in and asked with all the good intention in the world if her ‘other dad’ wanted to get in the picture too.

“Um, well,” Mats began, blushing furiously. _He isn’t her dad, but—_

“Yeah, get in the picture, honey! Thanks!” Benedikt wrenched the phone out of Mats’ hands and handed it to the teenager, who counted down from three as both Mats and Benni leaned towards the middle where Sophie sat with her enormous cake. When Benni draped his arm over Mats’ shoulders, Mats took the hint that maybe he should do the same, but he was still struggling with the whole hover hand thing when the photo was taken and the teenager handed Mats’ phone back.

Okay, seriously, he was perfectly fine around Benni, he certainly wasn’t a stammering idiot anymore, but he _had_ kinda been put right on the spot there given the whole ‘other dad’ thing.

When Mats opened up the picture, Benni snorted over his shoulder and he made a mental note to submit it to awkwardfamilyphotos.com as soon as he got home.

“That’s a face only a husband could love,” Benni whispered in his ear as his hands found Mats’ waist, lifting his shirt and digging slightly underneath the band of his undies.

Mats chuckled, more out of nervousness than anything else because, um, what was Benni doing right now in a room full of small children and his daughter?

Fortunately, Benni backed away and continued to help the pass out the plates of cake, taking one for himself once all the kids had their own. Sophie opened her presents after she’d finished her cake (most if it ending up on her face, granted), her favorite one being an oversized stuffed dolphin that Mats had bought.

Some of the parents were arriving to pick their children up after a rare hour and a half of freedom, so Mats dug up the goody bags to give each of Sophie’s friends before they left. Benni did the talking while Mats stood by his side, each parent thanking them for the party and every time one of them referred to Sophie as ‘your daughter’ to Benni, Mats felt crushed and elated at the same time that Benni didn’t deny it.

Once everyone was gone, Mats began to pick up all the trash and understandably, Sophie stated that she was bored and asked when they were going to leave.

“One minute,” Mats fibbed, shoving half-eaten pieces of cake into a big white trash bag.

Maybe it was Sophie’s exhilaration from the party, or maybe Benni had gotten her to open up a little bit, but it wasn’t long before the two of them had struck up a conversation like old friends.

“Did you ever have to move my dad’s clothespin from green to yellow, Benni?” Sophie inquired.

“Not once. Your dad was very well behaved,” Benni confirmed.

“He never went to principal’s office?” Sophie asked.

“Nope. Never.”

“And did mama and papa sign up to be classroom helpers? My dad didn’t.”

A lurch of guilt in Mats stomach. He’d completely ignored the plea for parents to come into the classroom and help out with some of the activities even though he had a very good reason not to be able to.

Benni laughed.

“Your dad’s very busy, sweetie. He has a lot of work to do and not a lot of time,” Benni explained.

“I know. He’s the best daddy in the world.”

\---

The moment Sophie was swept into her mom’s house, Benni pushed Mats into the side of the car, trapping his chest beneath his palms.

“You don’t know how hard it’s been for me to contain myself,” Benni whispered, so close that Mats could feel the heat from his breath.

Mats glanced over Benni’s shoulder at the house, then locked his gaze on Benni’s lips, devouring them with his eyes before forcing his attention back to the house. His own lips were tingling with desire. Being around Benni all morning and not being able to touch him, to feel him, had been a challenge.

Benni’s hands trailed up Mats’ body in a torturously slow fashion until they were cupping his face. He brushed his thumbs over Mats’ lips and his eyes were on fire. Mats lay his arms around Benni, cupping his ass and pulling him closer until their lips grazed for a split second before Mats inched away.

“No, we shouldn’t—” he said. He was giving all he had to avoid giving him. Not here, not in front of Sophie’s mom’s house. But the longer he stared at Benni’s lips, the weaker he help. He was hardly aware of his own bottom lip vibrating against the top.

“Please.” Benni breathed, his mouth barely opening.

“I don’t know…”

Benni just shook his head. Then he yanked Mats closer to him and smashed their mouths together. Mats was enveloped in everything Benni had to give him and he loved it. Benni moaned and it resonated deep into his body until he was ripped away.

“I’m sorry, I just couldn’t help—”

Mats quieted Benni by devouring him once more, his hands travelling farther and farther up Benni’s back, pawing at every inch of him. He felt Benni’s hot tongue rolling over his own and it was only when he began to see stars on his eyelids that he felt the cold winter air on his soaked lips again.

It had been just the kind of kiss that ignites you, that tears the breath right out of you.

His entire body was frozen without Benni. It was impossible for him to open his eyes for what felt like a long time, and when he finally did, Benni’s were still screwed shut, his brows furrowed deeply. Mats stroked his deeply flushed cheek until he relaxed, pressing his forehead against Mats’.

“You’re amazing at that,” he said, his voice hoarse.

Mats just smiled and held Benni closer. Benni was warm and smelled incredible.

“I guess we should get going?” Benni suggested. His voice was still dry.

“Probably,” Mats agreed. As much as Mats wanted to stay like this all day, it was below freezing outside and they couldn’t exactly make out his on baby mama’s lawn for the rest of eternity.

Slowly, they untangled and Benni opened the door for Mats before walking around to the driver’s side. He blasted the heat as soon as he had climbed in and turned on the engine, then took Mats’ phone from where it lay on the console and plugged it in.

“Put in your password.”

“Soph’s birthday,” Mats said automatically as he clicked his seatbelt in.

Benni unlocked the phone and began to scroll through Mats’ music collection, scrutinizing each artist as he went. “Ariana Grande. Decent. Christina Aguilera. Okay.” He then looked up with a raised eyebrow and half his mouth twisted into a smirk. “Bieber? You think he’s hot, huh?”

“Soph likes his old stuff,” Mats defended himself because Bieber was definitely not in his typical age-range. “You know, when he hadn’t hit puberty yet and still sang about puppies and rainbows.”

“Fair enough. I figured you’d have the decency to shield you five-year-old daughter from the new and improved felon Bieber,” Benni was full-out grinning now.

“Six,” Mats snapped. No way he was going to flat-out admit that he sorta-ish liked Bieber’s latest hit. And hey, Benni should shut up because if he was keeping up with the most recent stunts from Canada’s sweetheart too, then he had absolutely no wiggle room to be teasing Mats. “And he’s not a felon, by the way. He only got charged with a misdemeanor.”

“Well, phew, _that’s_ the relief of the century.”

“Shut up.”

Benni’s eyes twinkled as he played the album and got ready to drive while Mats shook his head in defeat, his ears burning.

Benni continued to pry through Mats’ music as he drove, one hand on the wheel and one eye on the road. Mats was more nervous about what he would discover next than about getting into an accident, and as a result was extremely relieved when Benni switched to something less embarrassing. Then he set the phone back on the console and rested his hand on Mats’ thigh, kneading it gently.

“Should we head to your place? I can hang out for a bit.”

Mats gulped. “It’s a mess. I mean, like. Really messy. We’ve been eating out of paper bowls for the past two days because—”

Benni lifted his hand off Mats’ leg for a moment to wave him off. “I don’t mind. We can clean.”

“ _Clean,_ ” Mats repeated, making air quotations with his hand.

“Oh, really? Is that what you want?” Benni looked over complacently at Mats.

“Just drive,” Mats laughed. “And get your camera ready because you are about to witness the Guinness World Record for largest collection of dirty dishes.”

“Mats, it’s literally just me, I hope you’re not embarrassed.”

Mats looked down at his feet. “I just don’t want you to think I’m a slob …”

“I think much more highly of you than that.”

Benni pinched Mats’ cheek at a red light, causing him to turn even redder than he already was, then gripped the wheel with both hands again.

\---

Mats was already on Cloud Nine when he welcomed Benni into his apartment, but things got even better when Benni began to search his cabinets for soup ingredients as soon as they entered.

“I can make the best spicy soup you’ll ever eat,” he claimed, clearing a small space on the counter.

“I don’t doubt that,” Mats replied. He decided to leave the other man be while he whipped up his miracle recipe because the ferocity with which he was already working was a bit frightening. Benni was biting down hard on his lip, his eyebrows lowered in deep concentration as he added this and that. Finally, when the soup was bubbling on the stove, Benni folded his arms and examined his work, his expression falling back into its normal resting bitch face that Mats had been teasing him about for the past two weeks.

Mats washed dishes while Benni cooked and got a good amount done before he began to wipe down the counters, and then he cleared the table because although he ate the majority of his meals on the couch, soup was part of the one category that he actually ate at the table like a normal person because of its tendency to not end up where he wanted it to. This was especially important seeing as Benni was involved and embarrassing things were quite prone to happening around Benni.

When said man was finally finished cooking, he brought two steaming bowls over and set them down on the table, tucking a napkin underneath each one. “Enjoy.”

Mats brought a spoonful to his mouth and blew on it before he tasted. He had to close his eyes after it was in his mouth. Benni had been right; it _was_ the best spicy soup he’d ever had. It slid down his throat and warmed his insides, making him feel cozy.

“Do you like it?” Benni asked hopefully.

“It’s delicious, Benedikt. Thank you,” Mats assured him.

They ate in silence for several moments, although Mats was beginning to wish Benni would start to talk because his nose was beginning to run, and he didn’t want Benni to know what a wimp he was when it came to spicy things. It was still at that early point where he didn’t want to scare the other man away with how uncool he actually was, and he already had one strike on the record from the whole Bieber shenanigan.

“Do you need a tissue, babe?”

“Maybe,” Mats sniffed.

Benni took his napkin and handed it to Mats, who thought that it would have been much simpler for him to just pick up his own napkin which was next to his own bowl, but he appreciated the gesture. He blew his nose a little bit then balled up the napkin when he was finished, aimed towards the trash can, and missed.

“Oops,” Mats muttered, rubbing his nose as he turned back to his soup only to find Benni with his chin in his hand, biting back a fit of laughter. “What?”

“Nothing,” Benni said in a way that very much implied it was not ‘nothing’ and probably something more along the lines of ‘you’re cute’.

Mats raised his eyebrows so high that he could feel the wrinkles on his forehead. “And why do you always cover your mouth when you laugh? Are you hiding something from me?”

He took the liberty to tug on Benni’s sleeve, effectively removing his hands from his mouth and Mats just had to laugh too because the way Benni poked his tongue out when _he_ laughed was simply too adorable.

\---

It all started when Benni suggested, “what about if I taught you how to make something that isn’t scrambled eggs or pasta?” and then had removed everything he deemed acceptable from Mats’ refrigerator.

“Wash your hands and then start to slice the tomato,” he instructed. “And be careful.”

“Say please, Mr. Bossy,” Mats said sarcastically as he did as he was told.

As soon he had had the knife in his hand and the tomato on the cutting board, however, Benni was already going on about how he was doing it wrong. “You’re going to slice your own thumb off that way,” he explained, and then he took Mats’ hand and guided him through the motions like a puppet. Mats almost closed his eyes. He trusted Benni that much.

When the cooking lesson was finished and they’d had their second round of dinner, Mats and Benni found themselves on the couch, Mats’ feet sprawled across Benni’s lap. He was exhausted from the party, and the way Benni was loosening his tight calves with his thumbs made Mats want to fall asleep, right here and right now …

“Can you get me the blanket, babe?” Mats murmured, too sleepy to think too hard about the pet name he’d used.

Benni stretched to get the blanket and spread it over Mats, tucking the edges in. “Now don’t you fall asleep on me.”

Mats let out a very fake sounding snore, to which Benni snorted and inched farther up his body. Then Benni somehow twisted out from underneath Mats and maneuvered himself so his head lay on Mats’ chest, rising and falling gently. The latter cradled Benni’s head in his hands, ran his fingers through Benni’s thin blond hair and tilted his head so he could get a better look at the man.

“I like it when you do that,” Benni said into Mats’ chest.

Mats agreed with a smile.

If only they could stay like this forever. If only winter break would never end. But classes started up again tomorrow, disrupting the both of their schedules and potentially bringing new challenges to the table.

But for now, feeling the weight and warmth and affection of Benni was just fine.

They stayed on the couch for so long that Benni fell asleep. Mats refused to wake him up, even though he was getting pins and needles in his legs and feet, because the blond was simply too adorable like this. His eyes were closed so gently, his expression completely at rest, the only indication that he could still be conscious that fact that he was still holding onto Mats like his life depended on it.

If only Mats himself could find peace like that. One day.


	10. When the Wood Gets Hot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mats and Benedikt begin to deal with some problems in their relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter contains another questionable sex scene written by an amateur. Yeepers.
> 
> Thank you for your patience with this fic, both with the wait time and the mistakes, and always thank you for supporting me <3 I hope you enjoy it and remember to comment, they are my source of life :)

**february. saturday**

Everything seemed to be going perfectly, and every time that Mats thought about his life, he smiled. He felt good about himself. He was in school, working, seeing an incredible guy and had a promising future.

It was almost too good to be true, and for that reason, he still held onto some fading doubt over whether Benni _actually_ liked him. Despite these insecurities, however, Mats was comfortable around him and couldn’t wait to spend the next moment with him. Benni was his motivation. The thought of cozying up under a blanket with Benni as he studied, throwing bits of food at each other as they cooked together, their lips smashing together, their hands running all over each other’s bodies, and everything in between was what got him through the long shifts and hours of homework. Mats finally understood why it was all worth enduring. He had a purpose now.

They wound up at Benni’s place on Valentine’s day, Sophie being off at a playdate, ordered a heart-shaped pizza for lunch, and were feeding it to each other when out of the blue, Benni started to blush.

Throughout the months of knowing Benni, Mats had come to realize that the only times Benni became cautious were when something sexual was brought up. It had been Benni who had prevented them from going all the way at the Christmas party, and it was Benni who would smoothly change the subject whenever Mats suggested anything.

It seemed though that now, Benni had settled and decided that it was appropriate and dare he say necessary.

“What are you thinking about, babe?” Mats watched as the pink hue spread across Benni’s freckled cheeks all the way to the tips of his ears.

Benni smiled nimbly. “Pass me another slice of pizza, would you?”

“It’s Valentine’s day …” Mats ignored the blond’s request to make an obscene gesture with his hands, knowing that it would embarrass Benni even further. He had almost expected this, which was why he’d given himself a free evening.

“Oh, stop it …” Benni huffed, but the corners of his mouth were still turned up.

Mats took the last slice of pizza and took a huge bite out of it for himself before he passed it to Benni. He reached across the table to wipe Benni’s mouth off with a napkin once he had finished, and the blond didn’t flinch.

“I’ll take the box out to the recycling and when I come back, I expect you to be in your bedroom and naked, okay?”

Benni snorted, but there was no denying the inevitable. He shook his head in amusement at the fact that Mats was assuming the role of alpha male because he had no reason to believe that the same would hold once they were in bed. So he followed his instructions, minus the part about getting undressed, and lay across the bed on his stomach, his chin tucked behind his forearms as he watched the door for Mats’ return.

Mats took his time to stuff the empty pizza box in the recycling. He brushed his hands together before following Benni into the bedroom.

Benni giggled, his eyes twinkling up at Mats. “I really hope you don’t think you’re actually going to top.”

“Of course I’m not.” Mats sighed, then sat down heavily at the foot of the bed. It was fun while it lasted. Pretending he knew what he was doing, that is.

Benni pushed himself up and sat next to Mats. “Hey,” he said, tilting Mats’ chin towards him with two fingers. “Chin up. This isn’t about me dominating you or you dominating me. It’s about both of us. I don’t know how I can get you to understand that.”

Mats got the feeling that Benni was talking about more than just this moment. He nodded past his worry. No matter how logically he thought, he was still a worrier and no amount of logic could mitigate some of his deepest fears.

Benni leaned his forehead against Mats’, entwining their fingers and ignoring Mats’ sweaty palms. He pressed the gentlest kiss to Mats’ lips, one that contained more words than their longest, most passionate kiss.

Mats felt shivers forming all over his body. He loved Benni, he loved Benedikt Höwedes so much and he wanted him to know it.

“Ready?” Benni breathed.

Mats just squeezed his eyes shut. He’d had sex before numerous times, but he’d never quite made love.

Benni let go of Mats’ hands and began to undress him. He folded each article of clothing and placed the pile on his dresser until only Mats’ boxers remained. Then he paused, waiting for Mats to do the same to him. Mats’ hands shook so much, however, that Benni ended up doing most of the work. He folded his jeans and hung his shirt back up in his closet.

And in spite of everything, the arousal continued to tensen between Mats’ thighs. Kisses happened then, starting on the mouth and then ending up wherever the lips could reach between their entangled bodies. Mats ended up between Benni’s wet legs, sucking and nibbling at the soft sensitive there.

The sensation brought Mats back to the Christmas party, and really, the only difference between now and then that Mats could put his finger on besides the time of day was Benedikt. The other man was more open than Mats had ever seen him before, his pale body glowing. Mats didn’t know when at which point the boxers had been lost.

“Take me,” Mats panted.

Benni flipped him over onto his back and pushed his thighs apart. He patted where his pocket would’ve been for a condom, thrown off by the turn of events until he realized that his pants were already off.

“Don’t bother, just take me. Please,” Mats begged.

Benni didn’t have the heart to frown or think twice in that moment. He simply agreed. So he extracted the lube from his drawer and got to work prepping Mats, making sure he was stretched enough. Then he began to push in, the spit and come that already coated his cock sliding along with the lube, going deeper and harder with every thrust. It wasn’t smooth, and Mats cried out in either pleasure or pain or both and Benni’s skin slapped against Mats’, over and over again, and moans and grunts filled the room.

Mats felt so tight and hot around him, his legs trembling violently as the orgasm built up in his stomach. He arched his back as best he could given his position, needing to feel Benni all the way inside of him, needing the fullness. He let out a long hiss once Benni hit his prostate.

“Fuck,” Mats choked. “I’m gonna come.”

Benni pulled out of Mats, sliding down to wrap his math around Mats’ pulsing cock. He pushed Mats’ shaking thighs even further apart and hollowed his cheeks in one swift motion, and Mats came forcefully down his throat with a cry of Benni’s name and a tug on his hair, then he collapsed into an exhausted heap.

Benni was still swallowing Mats’ thick, salty seed when he gurgled out, “let me finish.”

Mats groaned, albeit obliging. He allowed Benni to enter him once more, where the latter came inside of him before his cock slipped out.

Relief washed over Benni’s entire body. He fell down next to Mats as he came down from his high, his chest heaving. He hadn’t come like that in a long time, and he was seeing stars behind his eyelids, his head swimming.

He felt Mats pushing his sweaty hair back from his forehead, and then a gentle kiss was planted there. It made the hair on Benni’s arms stand on end, a shiver run down his spine, with its sharp contrast to everything that had just happened. The spot where Mats’ lips had touched tingled pleasantly.

“How do you feel?” Mats rasped in between pants.

Benni just nodded. Truthfully, he couldn’t ignore the twinge of guilt at failing to use a condom, but it wasn’t too hard to push the thought away. He simply felt too good right now.

“I need to pick up Sophie soon,” Mats announced, and Benni was slightly taken aback. They had just had sex for the first time and all Mats could think about was his daughter?

But Benni quickly scolded himself for having such a thought. Mats _should_ be thinking about his daughter. That was a positive testament to his character, if anything.

“Okay,” Benni said quietly.

“Do you want to come with?”

Benni’s heart fluttered. “I’d like to, yeah.” It’s not like he had anything else to do.

So while Mats took a shower, Benni stared blankly out the window, his body still heavy and exhausted.

Meanwhile, Mats was doing some thinking of his own in the shower. He wouldn’t have taken the risk of not wearing a condom in a million years, had he been having sex with a girl. He already had one accident baby, and all the love in the world couldn’t make up for the fact that she was still an accident. Yet perhaps, Mats was beginning to think, it was accident—but not a mistake. If this relationship with Benedikt ended up coming together, they couldn’t exactly have kids together. Maybe Sophie would be his only biological child, after all. So in a weird, twisted way, it had all worked out…

Mats squirted an unnecessary amount of Benni’s shampoo onto his palm, taking his discomfort at his own reasoning out on the bottle.

Once he was showered and redressed, Mats reentered the apartment to find Benni standing at the window in the kitchen.

“Babe,” Mats said. He wrapped his arms gingerly around Benni from behind, resting his chin on Benni’s shoulder and trying to figure out what had captured the other man’s interest. The only thing worth noting was a woman walking her dog, looking as though she just wanted to get back inside away from the blustery winter.

“Mhm.”

Mats hugged Benni tighter, and Benni eventually gave in, weaved his way around and admitted himself to the heat and comfort of Mats.

He found it hard to believe that he was jealous of a child—Mats’ _daughter_ , for God’s sake. Well, maybe not jealous of her, but jealous of the amount of time Mats needed to dedicate to her. Still, what kind of grown man is jealous over a father spending time with his daughter? He wondered what their relationship would be like had things been different. But Mats and Sophie were a packaged deal, and Benni couldn’t dismiss the fact that the girl was pretty darn cute.

He was ashamed of himself and vowed the jealousy to never cross his mind again.

Mats nuzzled even closer to Benni, who kissed the tip of his nose. Mats’ mouth stretched into an easy smile. “Should we go now?”

“Sure.”

Mats blasted the heat as soon as they were in the car. It came out cold, so Benni blew into his hands to warm them, not caring if he looked stupid because it was stupidly cold outside and therefore this was perfectly justified.

Mats reached over and took something out the glove compartment, swearing when a bunch of things fell out as he poked around in it. Eventually, he found what he needed, tore open the package and pressed the hand warmer into Benni’s fist.

“I would probably move to another planet if it weren’t for these things,” Mats admitted.

“Which one?” Benni smirked.

“The hand warmers,” Mats answered.

“No, I meant which _planet_ , you dumbass.”

Mats threw the hand warmer he held at a laughing Benni before he started the car and drove off. 

\---

**february. wednesday**

It became quite normal for Benni to hang out at Mats’ place while he had Sophie, and she was beginning to take quite the liking towards Benedikt.

He arrived one evening when Mats was studying and Sophie was coloring. Mats, having given him the key and code to his apartment, didn’t need to get up off the couch but did anyway. He greeted Benni with a peck on the lips and helped him out of his coat.

“Hey, you.”

Benni’s nose and cheeks were pink from the cold and his hair flat and static from his beanie. He rubbed his lips together as he undid his scarf. “Did you cook dinner?”

Mats rolled his eyes, but he was satisfied; it seemed like maybe Benedikt was getting a little _too_ comfortable around him. “Hello to you, too.”

Benni simply batted his eyelashes and Mats couldn’t resist. “Alright, I’ll grab you a plate …”

So Benni joined Mats and Sophie on the couch with his bowl of fettuccini alfredo, and he flipped aimlessly through the television in search of an NBA game or something else tolerable. That is, until Sophie emerged from where she’d been hunched over her paper with her curls spilled all over her shoulders, a mischievous glint in her eye as she showed Benni what she’d been working so diligently on, all while keeping it cleverly hidden from Mats’ view.

“That’s daddy,” she whispered rather loudly.

Benni took one look at the drawing and then practically choked on his fettuccini, helicoptering his lips as he tried to keep from spitting it back out. As soon as he had swallowed, he started cracking up and Sophie giggled.

“Looking good, Mats,” Benni winked.

“Let me see it,” Mats growled, snatching the paper from Benni, who clutched his stomach and doubled over in laughter at the priceless look on Mats’ face.

Mats didn’t know whether to laugh at his daughter’s sense of humor or burst into a fit of ugly tears because _this_ is what she thought of him … it was easily the most unflattering image that a kindergartner could have drawn with crayon. Benni was fist bumping Sophie, and granted, he was probably overreacting just a bit to humor her … but still, Mats was mildly offended.

“I’m getting back at you for this, I promise you,” Mats warned, jabbing a finger at Benni’s chest. Upon looking at the drawing again, he knew that he couldn’t take himself seriously because sure, maybe this whole thing was all just in good fun.

“Hey, I didn’t do it.” Benni lifted his hands as he inched away from Mats.

Mats had already gotten to work, though, the scowl fading from his face as he whipped up his great masterpiece of a comeback. “Done,” he declared, slipping the drawing (which was all done in a grape-colored crayon) in front of Benni. “Guess who it is?”

“How old are you again?” Benni scoffed.

“Younger than you,” Mats pointed out.

Benni raised his eyebrows. For a moment, Mats thought he was going to say something to lighten the mood, but he said nothing and instead returned to the television. His bowl of pasta sat half eaten on the coffee table.

Mats heaved a quiet sigh. He leaned into the couch and raked his hand through his hair. It was ridiculous how tense things had become based on the circumstance, but deeper down Mats knew there had to be more to the problem. Something was bothering Benni, something they weren’t talking about.

And Mats didn’t know it before it was too late, but something was bothering him, too.

\---

Benni offered to tuck Sophie into bed and read to her and Mats couldn’t refuse. He didn’t have the energy right now. All he wanted to do was go to sleep himself. He was getting tired of the routine...work, school, even hanging out with Benni because nothing was really changing. He’d been optimistic at first, but now it just seemed like one long journey to nowhere.

He brought his knees to his chest and curled up into a ball as best he could, though it was difficult seeing as he was quite tall.

He didn’t know how long Benni had been standing in the doorway before he realized it.

“That was fast.”

Benni swallowed. “She wants you.”

He sounded hurt, and Benni couldn’t blame him. Rejection hurt, and the rejection of a child sometimes hurt more than anything else because the younger they were, the less they held back.

Mats stood up and brushed past Benni. He felt sorry for him, but the defensiveness he felt towards his daughter was stronger. It wasn’t unreasonable for her to want her father, after all, especially when he was the last thing she’d see before she fell asleep. Benni should know that, too. He shouldn’t be taking it personally. Perhaps he was being oversensitive.

When Mats entered Sophie’s bedroom, he found her already tucked into her bed, but she looked pensive and her eyes were wide open.

“What’s the matter, Soph?” he asked tiredly, sitting gingerly on the edge of her bed.

“Can you read me a story?” she piped up. “And can I have a banana?”

“Can I have a banana, _please_ ,” Mats corrected her automatically. He knew she was young, but he wasn’t going to give up trying to instill proper manners in her yet.

Once Mats had returned with a banana in hand, Sophie sat up and leaned into Mats’ side, looking at the pictures and eating her snack while Mats read _James and the Giant Peach_ to her.

Once there were more yawns than questions about the story, Mats tucked her back into bed, kissed her goodnight, turned off the lights and then shut the door.

He was surprised to find that Benni was still lingering in his bedroom, doing nothing more than tracing the bland pattern on Mats’ unmade cover with his fingers. Mats tried not to feel annoyed, but he was exasperated; he had class tomorrow and Benni had to teach. They couldn’t sleep together tonight if they wanted to remain dignified, so Mats was going to have to get him to leave before he could crash.

Mats stifled a yawn—maybe he’d need to throw out some obvious hints that it was time to call it a night, but he wasn’t going to be _that_ obvious.

What was happening? He always wanted to spend every waking moment with Benni. Was the honeymoon stage over before it had even started?

He sat down next to the blond without a word. He didn’t know what the problem was, but maybe that was the problem itself.

“Are you okay?” Mats finally asked, a little timidly because he knew Benni wasn’t really one to discuss his emotions. He always brushed these things off, and Mats didn’t know whether it was because he didn’t have any issues or if he did and simply hid them from Mats.

Mats placed his hand on Benni’s forearm and squeezed it.

“I don’t know, Mats.”

“Oh, come on. Don’t take it personally. You’re not taking it personally, are you? She’s six years old and I’m her dad,” Mats reminded him.

“Exactly. You have a daughter, Mats. I didn’t know how complicated this was going to be before I got into it. You can’t just bring someone into her life like this and expect it to be easy.”

“What are you talking about?” Mats challenged. His grip on Benni’s arm tightened.

“I’m talking about _us_ ,” Benni replied forcefully.

“There aren’t any problem with us,” Mats said sharply. Then he let go of Benni’s arm.

Benni just kept staring at the ground, and all Mats could focus on was the scar next to his eye, screaming at Mats and reminding him that even the seemingly perfect lives aren’t so perfect after all. He wanted to reach out and touch it, to hold Benni in his arms and be held back like they had been doing for months on end, but now a new emotion that Mats had never seen out of Benni was emerging: anger.

“I don’t understand this, Benni. Things have been perfect and then you just flip out, out of nowhere, about my daughter—”

Benni whipped up and glared at Mats, who could tell how much effort the other man was putting into suppressing his temper.

“I am not _flipping out_. I’m just thinking that if we want to take this any further, we’ll have to talk about things because this is different from anything—”

“And if that’s what you want, then leave! I can’t give you that, Benedikt! We can’t fly away on a honeymoon and then move to California and have children together and live happily ever after, do you realize that? If that’s what you want, then I’m telling you right now, we are never, ever, going to have that, so you may as well give it up.”

Benni was on his feet. He opened his mouth to counter Mats’ accusation, but Mats wasn’t done.

“You knew it from the day I walked into class with her. If you knew it, why go through all this effort?”

Benni’s fists were balled up tightly, his nostrils flared, a vein popping in his forehead, and Mats knew the only thing keeping him in check now was Sophie sleeping in the other room. Mats wondered how bad it would’ve been had they been alone because he never could’ve imagined smiley, enthusiastic Benni in any mood other than a positive one … He breathed heavily through his nose, trying to calm himself down. Finally, as his hands clutched tightly onto the knobs of Mats’ dresser, he replied:

“I was so, so, so nervous approaching you. But I had to because I knew that I liked you. You don’t know how much shit I went through trying to convince myself it was okay to date you. If that’s not enough to convince you that I want this, then I don’t know what will.”

He reached up and ran his finger next to eye. Mats almost shuddered, but the gesture didn’t soften his next hit.

“I don’t think you liked me as much as you pitied me.”

Benni laughed bitterly. “Okay. If that’s what you want to think.”

“Yeah, you don’t even like me, do you? It’s obvious from the way you were so ashamed to be seen with me,” Mats snapped.

“Um. No. I had a career to keep, jackass.”

“Well, you didn’t tell me what was going on. You hid it from me.”

“I had to! I’m a professor and you were my _student_.”

“You didn’t have to hide anything from me,” Mats said.

“I was confused too. Maybe I messed up. I’m not perfect and I’m sorry. I did my best. But that was months ago, we got through it, it doesn’t matter anymore.”

Mats didn’t know what to say anymore. He knew he had lost this once, but he didn’t want to admit it. Benni had left the bedroom and Mats got up and followed him. He was putting his coat and scarf back on, and his hand was on the doorknob before Mats delivered his final, desperate blow:

“Why are you even with me?”

“Because I love you! What else do you want me to say?! Dammit.”

It took a few seconds for the words to process, and by the time they had, Benni had already slammed the door behind him.

\---

Benni hated the fact that he cried when he was angry. It meant that he had to be careful to keep his temper under control in case he ended up in an embarrassing pool of tears in front of someone he would rather not.

It sucked to have such a bad temper, too. He rarely got angry, but when he did, it could easily get out of hand. Almost like he had to make up for all the times he _didn’t_ get angry.

The first thing Benni did when he got back out to his car was kick his fender as hard as he could, yelping in pain at the impact and grabbing his foot. Then he climbed in and lay on the horn for about ten seconds.

What was Mats’ problem?

Despite how mad Benni was at Mats for being an idiot, there was a more urgent nagging he had to be concerned about: was this just a stupid fight they would make up tomorrow, or would this escalate into something bigger? Was Mats really that bothered by what had happened at the very beginning of all of this?

Benni had to talk to someone about this who wasn’t Mats. He had promised himself he’d leave Miroslav out of this … but what choice did he have at this point?

He picked up his phone and called Miroslav … one ring … two rings … three. What if he didn’t pick up? What was Benni going to do then? He would’ve very much preferred to have fenders on his car, but if that’s what it came to—

“Hey.”

Miroslav didn’t sound that surprised to hear from Benni, but when Benni didn’t offer anything other than a feeble ‘hi’, Miro got worried.

“What’s wrong? Something happened with you two, didn’t it.”

And then Benni completely fell apart. He didn’t even bother to move the phone away from his mouth so Miro wouldn’t have to hear him crying and sniffling.

“Benni …”

“Sorry,” Benni sobbed.

Miro had been unsure of what to do as he’d never seen his friend like this before, but the single word reassured him that Benni wasn’t totally losing it. “It’s okay. Do you want to meet up somewhere?”

“Please,” Benni begged.

“Alright. Uh, my house? You could come over, I’m not home at the moment thought. Starbucks?”

“Starbucks is fine.”

“Okay. I’ll see you. Drive carefully.”

“Kay,” Benni said, and then he hung up. He wiped the tears furiously from his cheeks, embarrassed at having broken down like that. Then he shoved the keys in the ignition and drove off, not even bothering to turn on the heat. He did turn on the radio though in hope that some Top 40 tunes would distract him a little bit.

When Benni got out of the car at Starbucks, the cold air burned his wet cheeks and stung his eyes. Miro was already there, and he emerged from the coffee shop to meet Benni with open arms. Benni practically fell into him as he hugged him back, grateful for the company and immensely relieved.

“What in the world happened?” Miro chuckled, smiling a sad smile at the current state of his friend.

Benni groaned into Miro’s coat before emerging, and Miro moved his hands from Benni’s back to his shoulders. Perhaps it would’ve been better to go to Miro’s house where they could talk without fear of judgement, but he didn’t want to ask anything more from Miro than he already was.

“Let’s go inside,” Benni suggested and Miro agreed without missing a beat.

Benni ordered a flat white, aware that he shouldn’t be drinking espresso at night when he had to teach tomorrow, but he craved the pick me up. He sat down with Miro at a table in the corner and told him everything about Mats, even the things he had already figured out for himself.

“I met him at your party,” Miro said, setting down his peppermint cocoa. “He seemed nice. A bit awkward if anything, but nice.”

“He _is_ nice. I don’t know what happened, he just started saying things like I just pitied him and that I don’t actually want to be with him,” Benni expressed in frustration.

Miro thought for a moment. Benni cupped both hands around his hot drink, letting it warm his palms.

“He’s insecure,” Miro said carefully. “He has absolutely no reason not to be. He has a oopsie kid, he works two minimum wage jobs, and you have to remember that he was a student in the same class that you were teaching.”

Benni nodded. That made sense, but he didn’t understand why Mats had to take it out on _him_. Wasn’t he the one who was giving him a chance despite all of that?

“And there’s only so much you can do about that. You can prove to him that you it’s him you want, but it’s up to Mats to believe it,” Miro finished.

“I get it,” Benni said quietly, staring into his cup.

“Give it some time.”

“It’s my fault too,” Benni went on before he could stop himself. “I don’t know, I guess I kinda provoked him. Of course he would choose his daugher over me.”

“Stop that. You know he doesn’t have to pick and choose anyone. This isn’t an either-or situation. He’s lucky to have you.”

Benni dared himself to believe it.

“Just give it some time. This happened, what, an hour ago? He’ll cool off eventually and so will you.”

Benni just nodded. He honestly didn’t know what he would do without Miroslav Klose, who was a fair number of years older than him and happily married with twin boys. Benni had dated on and off for the past few years, nothing lasting more than a couple weeks, which became more discouraging with every failed date, and every time Benni was turned down yet again, he’d go running to Miro and mope about how he never going to find anyone and die alone.

And even now that the tables had turned, Miro was still there. So (and Benni refused to utter this aloud), even if things were to fall apart with Mats, at least he’d still have Miro.

\---

Now would’ve been the perfect time to have friends, Mats thought to himself. Unfortunately, he didn’t have any. His only real friend was Benni, who wasn’t exactly an option right now.

He’d screwed up, and the thought sickened him so much that he thought he might actually vomit. What was his life turning into? He’d spent the last six years of his life doing absolutely nothing worthwhile, and sure, he might be getting a degree now, but then what? He might be able to make enough money then to raise his daughter like a normal person would, but what was the point if that was all it came to?

Benni loved him. He’s said it right before slamming the door, and there was no misinterpretation or double meaning to those words. And Mats had just gone and thrown all of that away.

Absolutely convinced at this point that he was going to have to vomit, Mats went into the bathroom only to find Sophie up on her stepping stool by the sink in her PJs, brushing her teeth. It nearly gave Mats a heart attack, and he bit back the swear word that he wanted to yell-whisper.

“What are you doing out of bed?” Mats scolded her instead. He had a blazing headache and the last thing he wanted to do right now was chase his daughter around the apartment, trying to get her to go to sleep.

Sophie gestured wildly at her toothbrush with her free hand, as if to imply, _I’m brushing my teeth, you idiot. What does it look like?_

Mats sighed but left her alone. It was a good thing she was brushing her teeth, after all.

He ended up in the kitchen, digging out the bottle of aspirins and swallowed two dry, after which he determined having a glass of water would probably do him good. When he couldn’t find a glass due to the fact that they were all dirty, he just stuck his mouth directly beneath the faucet and drank like that, aware that he had officially lost his shit and not caring one bit.

“Daddy, what are you _doing_?”

Mats leapt back, knocking the back of his head on the faucet in the process (which was very painful) to find Sophie standing beside him with her hands on her hips and a bewildered look.

Mats rubbed the back of his head, his face contorting in pain. “Don’t worry about it, sweetie. Just—I need you to go back to bed now. Can you do that for me?”

“But daddy—”

Mats pointed his finger to the hallway. “Bed. _Now._ ”

“You’re the meanest daddy in the world!” she whined.

“When I tell you to do something,” Mats said through his teeth, “you listen.” He scooped up the small girl like a sack of potatoes when she tried to run in the opposite direction and carried her back to her bed.


	11. There Is a New World Coming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things happen. Basically part 2 of the last chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this chapter is kinda shorter, but it was originally part of the last chapter which I cut in two cause it was too long. Thank you guys for your patience and support throughout this fic, ily and I hope you're liking it <3

**february. thursday**

The next day was not one of Mats’ greatest. He was hungry but had no appetite, so he left the house with a rumbling stomach and no energy.

He felt guilty about snapping at Sophie last night, and the guilt was only worsened by the fact that money was too tight to take her to get a treat after school today. The best he could do was instruct Leroy tonight to allow her to watch cartoons on the big kids channel past her bedtime while eating cookies (Mats had baked a fresh batch after being unable to fall asleep, which might’ve explained why he was so tired and also why the cookies were slightly burnt around the edges and too floury. All things considered, it was a long shot from his best effort).

And needless to say, he felt like total crap for what he’d said to Benni.

Around lunchtime, he got a bag of potato chips from one of the vending machines while he had fifteen minutes to kill before his next class. He’d only seen Benedikt around once ever since he’d finished statistics, but then again, as a liberal arts major, he didn’t have any reason to be near the part of the building where Benni taught.

That gave Mats an idea. He hurried off in the direction of Benni’s classroom before his brain could catch up and give him cold feet. It was stupid to think that he’d actually run into him, that he would be eagerly waiting for Mats to arrive and begging to patch things up. But still, a small part of him had hope … 

Mats stole a glance inside the classroom as he walked by. He was moving too quickly, however, to be able to tell if Benni was in there or not.

So he tilted the last of the chips into his mouth, crumpled up the bag, and continued on the way to his media class like nothing was out of the ordinary.

\---

Unsurprisingly, Mats found it extremely challenging to concentrate for the rest of the day. He took his notes like usual but none of it was processing, and he was tapping his foot so viciously that his knee kept on bumping the bottom of his desk, earning him huffy looks from several of his classmates.

About twenty minutes into the lecture, Mats felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and routinely fished it out.

_11:23 A.M._

_From: Benedikt  
Hey._

Mats didn’t know whether the butterflies in his stomach were happy ones or nervous ones. When he replied, he kept hitting the wrong letters and had to retype his simple message an embarrassing amount of times.

_11:27 A.M._

_To: Benedikt  
Everything ok?_

_11:28 A.M._

_From: Benedikt  
Considering. Can you meet me in my office when you’re done with class?_

_11:31 A.M._

_To: Benedikt  
Sure xx_

Mats felt dumb putting the kisses at the end of the text, but he had to somehow reassure Benni that this wasn’t going to simply be a repeat of last night.

_11:33 A.M._

_From: Benedikt  
You shouldn’t be texting during class, mister :P_

_11:34 A.M._

_To: Benedikt  
Ah hush you’re the one who texted me. Ttys_

_11:34 A.M._

_From: Benedikt  
L8r g8r_

_11:35 A.M._

_To: Benedikt  
Omg we’re SO gay_

_11:35 A.M._

_From: Benedikt  
Ur gay_

_11:37 A.M._

_To: Benedikt  
??? Go teach math, you actual nerd_

\---

The giddy smile on Mats’ face didn’t linger too long after.

The door to Benni’s office was open, so he slipped in and shut it behind him quickly before anyone could spot him. It wasn’t likely that anyone would become suspicious, yet Mats always liked to be cautious.

Benni had a pen in his mouth and another in his hand, moving across a sheet of paper as he marked it up. He jumped slightly as Mats entered.

“Sorry,” Mats said automatically.

“You scared me,” Benni chuckled, shaking his head at himself. “I’ve just been plugging through these exams …”

Mats nodded. He thought about how boring it must be to grade math exams. At least with writing, each paper was different and original whereas math was just numbers. Benni was so different from he was, in both personality and in interests.

“I don’t know how you do it,” Mats marveled.

“Do what?” Benni was curious.

Mats gestured vaguely as he sat down in one of the armchairs. “You know. Math.”

“And I would ask you the same about journalism. Math is easy. You’re either right or wrong. There’s no real thinking involved. Just logic.”

“Yeah, okay,” Mats said sarcastically. He wrung his hands together.

“You’re right, though. I hate it sometimes. I wish I’d studied something else sometimes. Like, I don’t know, chemistry or physics or something where math actually has a purpose instead of just being an endless cycle of meaningless values. Something that could’ve gotten me a job as anything other than a professor. My only job right now is to keep the cycle going, and it doesn’t help that most of the students taking my classes are doing it just to meet graduation requirements. No one is actually interested in the material. No one cares. It’s not like psychology or ethics or literature, there’s no discussion or passion. Students want to be riveted, but it’s not very likely that you’d be moved by a bunch of numbers. Math is important, but it’s hard for people to relate to because it’s flawless. People like things that are imperfect, Mats. We demand perfection but hate it when it presents itself to us.”

 _Because we’re so imperfect ourselves and we hate to be outdone._ “I cared about your class,” Mats lied quickly. He watched as the man across from him put down his pen, pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. He felt sorry for him, even if his paycheck was something Mats could only dream of right now.

“You’re sweet, but you don’t have to lie.”

“So you hate your job too?”

Mats wanted to slap himself before he’d even finished the question. Benni had just evoked a million things in Mats and all he could respond with was a big fat fib and the simple assumption that Benni didn’t like teaching.

“There’s no such thing as a dream job. Let’s just put it that way. It’s all a myth. The working world sucks.” Benni paused, then continued: “I’m just tired of it. I want something new.”

“You can say that again,” Mats muttered humorlessly.

It was a while before either of them spoke again, and in that period of time, all the tenseness from last night seemed to remember that it was supposed to be there and miraculously turned up again. This wasn’t a deep discussion about the meaning of life; they were meant to still be fighting, after all.

Finally, Benni stood up and moved to sit next to Mats. He leaned back in the armchair, crossing his arms and legs simultaneously.

Mats dragged his hand through his hair, running his fingers over his ear as he finished. He coughed a little bit then looked at Benni.

“Can I talk?” Benni asked.

“Go ahead.”

His eyes and mouth tensed up. “Listen,” he began. “I know this a bit soon, but … I didn’t want to leave you thinking that that’s what I actually think about this all. I mean. I know I was brash and … yeah, okay. That was pretty uncalled for and I’m sorry for that.” He paused, as if waiting for Mats to interject. “I care so much about you and about Sophie. I hope you know that.”

“Yeah,” Mats offered helpfully. “I do know.”

“I just didn’t want to leave this hanging forever because it was stupid and I’m sorry I acted that way.”

He seemed at a loss for words then, and Mats felt bad for making him do all the talking and consequently, take all the blame too. Mats was trying to formulate some sort of coherent thought when Benni continued.

“If you don’t want to keep doing this, I get it.”

“Dating?” Mats sputtered.

“Well … yeah.” Benni cheeks were glowing red, his fingers running uncharacteristically across the pulse on his neck.

“Of course I do.”

Benni let out a small breath.

“I’m sorry, too. For what I said. I didn’t mean it, I was just kind of shocked.”

“I understand,” Benni said, remembering what Miroslav had told him last night.

Mats said nothing. His apology had been sincere, but nowhere near enough, and that was exactly how he felt about Benni. He couldn’t shake away the fear that Benni was going to get tired of him eventually, and last night had only cemented that fear. Benni had voiced what had been nagging at the back of Mats’ mind ever since he had walked into stats class on the very first day.

“So are we good?”

Lightheartedness had returned to Benni’s tone, but he sounded distant to Mats, whose ears were ringing.

Mats leaned forward and buried his face in his hands. He rubbed his eyes so hard that he saw stars, and he stopped only when he felt a hand on his back and a weight on his lap.

“What are you thinking?” Benni said quietly.

 _I don’t even know,_ Mats wanted to say.

“How can I convince you that this is what I want? I want _you_ , Mats. I don’t know how else to say it, and it just breaks my heart how you refuse to believe it.”

Mats felt moisture on his palms, and even though his face was hidden from Benni, it was still quite obvious how his shoulders were quaking and Benni responded by curving his arm across Mats’ back entirely, his hand resting on his hip and tracing bold little patterns on the sliver of skin there. He tried to tug Mats’ wrist away from his face, but Mats shook his head aggressively and Benni gave it up.

Finally, Mats hiccuped and emerged from his hands. “Sorry.”

“Look at me,” Benni requested, and Mats complied. “Now smile.”

Mats half-laughed half-sobbed, and Benni brushed away the tear that fell with his thumb. Mats’ eyes were glistening, but he looked strangely happier than Benni had ever seen him before. Well, maybe not happier. But relieved, finally at some sort of ease rather than always being on edge.

“I love you so much, Mats Hummels,” Benni said with as much conviction as he could.

“I know,” Mats replied, and then he said to no one really in particular, “and I love you.”

The words were almost lost between Benni’s lips as they kissed, Benni grabbing at Mats’ hair in an unnecessary attempt to pull him closer, and there was far too much tongue involved, but there could never be enough passion to demonstrate what each man was feeling in that very moment.

\---

Mats was on top of the world. He was so pleased with himself that he texted Leroy and asked if he could stay a few hours longer than usual.

“Um,” Manuel of Walmart said when Mats asked him if he was interested in going to a bar after work tonight.

“Aw, c’mon,” Mats pleaded. “Do you ever do anything fun?”

“This is fun,” Manuel deadpanned.

“Was that a joke?” Mats snorted.

Manuel laughed, a foreign sound to Mats. “Okay. Fine. I’ll go to damn bar with you. What about the new kid?”

“I don’t even know his name.”

(The ‘new kid’ Mats and Manuel were referring to was a baby faced, highly intimidated boy who dropped everything that found its way to his hands—not unlike Mats—and who would’ve been fired had he been working anywhere other than Walmart, which was so desperate for employees that they would hire just about anyone with half a brain and two feet).

“Oi,” Manuel called, and the boy startled. “How old are you?”

“Twenty-two,” the boy squeaked.

“You got a girlfriend?”

“No,” he replied, looking more than honored that someone had actually bothered to ask such an intimate detail about his life.

“Then how does a bro night with Mats and myself sound? Find yourself a nice pretty girl to hook up with?”

Mats wanted to slap the blond across the face. “Really?” he hissed. Then he added, “and that also kind of defeats the purpose of a bro night, you know.”

“Do you really think he’d want to go out with two uneducated creeps he met at Walmart if there was nothing in it for him? I know what I’m doing,” Manuel said out of the corner of his mouth, and then he asked the boy what his name was.

“I don’t know, maybe he’s classy. You should’ve given him a chance,” Mats mumbled, but the boy called Erik had already agreed and it looked as though Mats was about to go out for the first time since before he’d had Sophie.

And it also looked as though he had made himself a friend.

He was so overjoyed that the next box he lifted ended up on top of his foot, drawing out a string of vulgar swears.

Manuel came over and plucked the box off of Mats’ foot like it weighed nothing.

“Thanks,” Mats winced as he walked off the ache.

Manuel clapped him on the back. “No problem, buddy.”

\---

Mats had fun that night. He had a couple drinks, but not enough to knock himself out and he really, really enjoyed spending time with Manuel, who was actually a fascinating and rather hilarious person outside of the monotony of the Walmart storage area. The boy Erik was still too shocked that he’d been invited to contribute much to the conversation, but his presence nonetheless made Mats feel more connected than he’d ever felt before.

When he got home, he was buzzing too much to care that Sophie had squeezed out an entire tube of toothpaste into the sink while Leroy had taken his eyes off of her for five seconds. No matter how many times he tried to fill up the sink and wash it down, the damn stuff still clung to the surface and he couldn’t care less because he had everything you could ask for: work, school, friends, a bubbly daughter, and an amazing boyfriend.


	12. Yield

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mats deals with his life and with Benedikt some more. Sophie tries to make homemade lip gloss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly, I have to apologize for not responding to any comments lately. But I promise I've read them all and every single one makes me extremely happy, so thank you thank you thank you. I'll go back and answer them tomorrow!
> 
> Secondly, I have to apologize again for the lack of consistent updates. I don't have an excuse seeing as this has been written already. Hopefully I'll get this thing finished one day or another.

**february. monday**

Benedikt Höwedes was a blessing.

The little things he lent a hand with every so often, like cooking and cleaning, doing the dishes and laundry, making up the beds and getting Sophie to and from school, helped Mats realize not only how much he appreciated him but how lonely he’d been without him. And the fact that Benni was doing this not just for Mats, but for Sophie too was the icing on the cake. Benni wasn’t just putting on a show. This was what _he_ wanted too. He didn’t want just Mats; he wanted to share a life with him.

Additionally, it didn’t take long for Sophie to warm up to Benni, what with him being around so often. Benni wasn’t perfect. He spent the majority of his time with college aged students and therefore had little experience with kids Sophie’s age, but experience isn’t needed to just be caring—that’s exactly what Benni did. Mats thought it was adorable the way they interacted because Benni’s occasional cluelessness just made it all the more real and honest. His reaction whenever Sophie came out with some unexpected comment was priceless.

Mats would’ve never dared to imagine this. Of course, it had always been a vague fantasy hanging out in the back of his mind, but he never would’ve actually dreamed of it being actualized. Yet here he was, watching the two people who had nothing in common other than the fact that they were both loved by him bond, slowly but surely. It was something special that Mats swore you have to experience in order to fully understand.

But, in spite everything, things got hard, as things always tend to do.

Mats wasn’t unhappy by any means. But he was stressed. His coursework was beginning to pile up, but his shifts prevented him from dedicating that extra time he needed to studying. So it was a cycle that only got worse with each round.

He tried not to take it out on anyone else. He really did. But it was difficult to do so when Benni had the freedom—and the nerve—to put his feet up and relax in front of Mats when that was the last thing on the planet that Mats could possibly squeeze into his nightmarish schedule.

Benni was paging through an almanac one afternoon when Mats got home from the mall. He had stayed the night last night, but Mats was surprised that he was still here.

“Don’t you have a job?” Mats came barreling through the door and began stripping as soon as he was inside. The nauseating perfume that clung to every last inch of his clothes and refused to ever leave his nostrils was putting him on edge more than usual.

Benni looked up. “I cancelled class.”

Mats was outraged but didn’t dare show it. “Must be nice to be able to just call up and cancel work when you don’t feel like going. Most of us would be fired if we did that. I was just on my feet for seven hours and I’ve got about seven more tonight.”

He was in his room now, putting on clean clothes, safe from whatever Benni said next unless he were to yell.

It was bitingly frigid outside and the snow was no longer fresh and white, but old and dirty. Still, Mats opened the window, and the clean air was liberating. His throat was raw and his temples felt swollen and burned.

He sat down at his desk and rubbed his face as hard as he could.

“You should drink some water, Mats.”

Benni had entered the room, sat down on the end of the bed and spoke softly but clearly.

“And you should go home. I don’t want to talk to you or hang out with you right now, Benedikt.”

Still, Benni pressed a bottle of water into Mats. “Please drink. You’re dehydrated.”

Judging by how dry his mouth felt and the extremity of his usually mild headache, Benni was indeed correct, but he didn’t want to give Benni the satisfaction of drinking it right now. Instead, he demanded, “why did you cancel class? Just to show me that you can?”

“No.”

“Why then?”

“Because I wanted to be here when you came home. I know things are hard for you right now and I’m worried,” Benni explained.

“I’m an adult and I can take care of myself, thank you very much,” Mats said coldly. “Go home.”

“I’m not going to do that,” Benni said firmly.

“You’re just making it worse.” Mats caved then, twisting the lid off the bottle and dumping half of it directly down his throat as he turned around to face his boyfriend.

Benni shook his head as he scratched at his hairline. He sucked in his lips and wet them, and the sight of it tugged at Mats’ heart and made his stomach churn. If only Benni would come over and pull Mats into him right now, smother him with kisses and ease his aching body, then maybe he would stop being so crabby, but it was almost as though Benni were scared of him and Mats somehow felt as though he needed to live up to that.

“Why don’t you take the night off? For me?”

“You know that I can’t. I’m fucking poor. Thanks for putting the idea in my head, though.”

Benni debated whether to speak or not. _But I’m not poor,_ he wanted to say. If he could, he would take Mats under his own wing so he could focus on his studies and on Sophie without having to worry about working too. He knew Mats well enough, though. Mats would never stand for something like that. He would be offended. So Benni kept silent.

“Benedikt, please just go. I love you but I’m so aggravated right now, I’m not in the mood for this and I don’t want anything stupid to happen,” Mats begged. His heart was beating a million miles a minute. What he really wanted was for Benni to refuse and do the exact opposite, but he knew Benni too well. And it was true that he didn’t want to say anything worse than what he already had.

“If that’s what you want, then I’ll do it. But text me if you need anything, promise?”

He waited for Mats to nod, then his mouth formed a tiny smile that lasted about half a second. Mats sucked in an unsteady breath as he watched his boyfriend go.

He tried to feel relieved, but he wasn’t. Benni had cancelled class for Mats and in turn, put himself in jeopardy for Mats, and _this_ was Mats’ was of saying thank you? By being an asshole and making him leave?

“Why is my life so fucking horrible? Like, what the fuck,” Mats wondered aloud.

Crushing the now-empty plastic water bottle between his hands and listening to the harsh crinkling noise it produced made Mats feel a tiny bit better.

\---

**february. friday**

Mats had just gotten off his shift at Macy’s and was on the way to pick up Sophie as he debated what he was going to do about dinner. He’d already taken her out for fast food twice this week, which was a bit ridiculous even for him, but he had no other ideas and the blown up pictures of melty cheese and greasy toppings in the windows of Pizza Hut were too tempting to an empty stomach and more so empty wallet.

He parked at the school and went in to sign Sophie out (her peg indicated that she was in the art room). He picked up her backpack from her cubby along the way and then went to go find her. As he roamed the hallways, he couldn’t help but stop and admire some of the artwork plastered to the walls done by the children. It was bright, and colorful, and carefree, and cute. There were self portraits done with paint, sloppy claywork, and even renditions of Van Gogh’s _Starry Night_ in oil pastel done by some of the older kids. Mats kept his eyes peeled for anything done by Sophie—some of her classwork was sent home in her Friday Folder, but he was too lame a parent to ever go in a take a look at her art portfolio.

He stopped and frowned curiously when he came across a bulletin board that contained what looked like family portraits as well as some writing—in neat enough handwriting to have obviously been done by the teachers, but in the kids’ words, and then at the bottom of each page was the careful signature of a child not wanting to mess up.

Mats doubted he would find one from Sophie, but feeling especially sorry for himself today, it seemed like a good idea to enlighten himself about the impressions that kids who weren’t his daughter held of themselves and their lives.

 

> _My name is Daniel. I have short, brown hair and brown eyes. My favorite color is blue. My favorite food is candy. When I grow up, I want to be a policeman and kill bad guys. I’m special because God made me._
> 
> _My name is Jana. I have pretty hair and pretty eyes. My favorite color is yellow. My favorite food is chicken nuggets. When I grow up, I want to be a teacher. I’m special because I am a big sister._

Mats tried to imagine what Sophie’s would’ve said. Probably something like, ‘When I grow up, I want to be a parking garage attendant because one time when daddy was in a bad mood he said that that would’ve been a better career option than what he does now.’ He hadn’t talked to Sophie ever about God because he didn’t believe in that sort of stuff himself, so she didn’t have that reassurance, either. And it was highly unlikely that she’d become a big sister anytime soon.

He tried to shake off the thought as he ventured into the art room to gather her, and even though she hugged him each time he picked her up from extended day, he never got tired of it. One day, after all, they were bound to stop.

“Did you have fun at school today?” Mats asked as he reached for her hand.

“No,” she told him.

“Why not?” Mats was already starting to feel protective.

Sophie shrugged. “It was boring and nothing happened.”

 _Story of my life._ “Well, how does pizza for dinner sound?” _Daddy doesn’t have the energy to cook._

Sophie squealed in excitement and started trying to hang from Mats’ arm, which was as much painful as it was annoying, so Mats let go and watched her run ahead down the empty hallway, something which she likely wasn’t allowed to do during school hours when there were teachers and monitors around every corner to scold her.

“Wait for me before you go outside, Soph,” Mats called, and of course she didn’t listen, so he jogged to catch up with her, her winter coat and hat both slung over his arm, meaning she was about to be exposed to the cold and if anyone saw her like that, he surely be deemed the worst parent of the year.

Well, he couldn’t protect her from everything.

\---

That evening, Sophie decided that she wanted some lip gloss, so she placed a pink crayon in the microwave, which proceeded to catch on fire.

Sophie screamed. Mats panicked, ran in and frantically threw the extra water from this morning’s tea onto the fire, filled up the pot again in a rush, and repeated the process until the fire was gone.

Mats squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his palms together. “You okay, Soph?” he spoke in an exasperated whisper.

“Yes.”

_That makes one of us._

“Are _you_ okay, daddy?” Sophie piped up after a minute.

“I’m fine,” Mats replied. He crouched down and got out the spray and a roll of paper towels from underneath the sink and got to work on cleaning the mess of char and wax in the microwave.

“Sorry,” Sophie whispered, clearly very aware that Mats was not fine. “I needed lip gloss.”

“Next time, just ask me and I’ll take you to the store,” Mats said flatly.

“Are you mad at me?”

“No, sweetie.” _Scrub scrub scrub._

Sophie then slipped away into another before Mats could change his mind and decide to be mad.

It shouldn’t have been a big deal. No one was hurt, and it was one of those things that you could look back at and laugh in retrospect. But Mats was embarrassingly fragile these days and basically jumped on any evidence he could use to prove to himself that he was an awful parent. Honestly, what household with a six-year-old girl doesn’t have lip gloss? And what moron doesn’t make it clear that the microwave is absolutely off limits to said six-year-old daughter? (Answer: a moron whose said daughter has had to prepare frozen salisbury steak for herself on more than one occasion).

He hadn’t seen or even talked to Benni since Monday. They had seemed to come to an unspoken mutual agreement that it wasn’t good for Mats’ stress for them to be glued at the hip 24/7 and that a little time apart might be good for him to focus. It was working, but Mats missed the comfort that Benni would always provide for him. And now that the whole great crayon debacle had occurred, Mats had an excuse to text Benni. So he did.

_8:39 P.M._

_To: Benedikt  
Microwaving a pink crayon does not make lip gloss. It makes fire._

_8:40 P.M._

_From: Benedikt  
Oh my. What have you done?_

_8:40 P.M._

_To: Benedikt  
Correction: What has SOPHIE done_

_8:43 P.M._

_From: Benedikt  
How are you doing?_

_8:45 P.M._

_To: Benedikt  
I need a long, hot bath. Can you come over? If you’re not doing anything else_

_8:45 P.M._

_From: Benedikt  
Of course I will_

By the time Benni arrived, Mats had found Sophie curled up in a ball by her pillow and crying. He had been trying and failing to coax her out.

“What’s the matter? I’m not mad at you. It’s okay,” Mats said gently, rubbing her back.

But he had a feeling that him being mad wasn’t what she was worried about. She probably felt guilty. She was mature enough to feel disappointed in herself now, and it broke Mats’ heart to think that that was why she was so upset.

“Benni’s coming over, maybe we could all play a game together. How about Chutes and Ladders?”

Sophie shook her head, rejecting to even play her favorite game that Mats always found an excuse to not play with her. He picked up her beloved teddy bear and tried to show it to her, but she ignored it.

“Life?” Mats tried again with Sophie’s second favorite board game.

Before Sophie could tearfully decline again, the sound of the door opening and closing and then shuffling footsteps made Mats’ head turn. Benni was entering Sophie’s room with a plastic bag from the dollar store in one hand. He had on a nice outfit, leading Mats to believe that he he had probably planned to go out tonight only to have those plans foiled by Mats and his chaotic life. But, Mats was too happy to see him to feel sorry. And Benni had chosen to come here, after all.

“Hey,” Benni said breathlessly as he sat down next to Mats, who received a whiff of cologne in the process.

“Hi,” Mats said.

Benni smiled. “Hey, princess,” he said in a more playful tone to Sophie, who just looked up at him miserably. “I heard you were in need of some lip gloss.”

“Don’t remind me,” she sighed and both Mats and Benni bit back laughter at the utter exhaustion in her young voice.

“Come here,” Benni said. Sophie sniffled, but she sat up and allowed Benni to lift her onto his lap. She snuggled a little into his chest before peering over at Mats—as if for approval that this was okay. Mats nodded. He was about to mouth an apology to Benni too on behalf of Sophie soiling his shirt from her crying, but stopped himself when he figured that Benni didn’t care and could handle a little bit of mess.

From the bag, Benni produced a bottle of red nail polish, some colorful hair clips and (thank god), a tube of shiny lip gloss. “How’s this?” he beamed as Sophie gasped.

“Thank you!” she exclaimed as she inspected the gifts.

“You’re very welcome.”

“Can you paint my nails?” Sophie asked, a little shyly.

“Only if you paint mine,” Benni said.

“Deal,” Sophie agreed, and she leapt off the bed. “Come on, Benni!”

Mats just sat there with his mouth hung open because he was pretty sure that three minutes ago, Sophie had been sobbing like there was no tomorrow.

“And you can come too, daddy,” Sophie added as an afterthought as she skipped into the living room with the nail polish in hand.

“Nothing a little nail polish can’t fix,” Benni seemed to read Mats’ mind before cupping his chin and pressing a kiss to his cheek then getting up to follow Sophie.

Mats was still dumbfounded. “You’re _magical_. And it’s way past her bedtime so I would appreciate it if you could make this quick.”

Benni rolled his eyes. “Jealous that I’m getting a professional manicure and you’re not.”

And apparently by ‘professional’, Benni really meant professional because he filled a bowl with warm water and made Sophie soak her hands in it before he painted her nails. Mats wanted to tease Benni and ask how he knew to do that, but then he remembered that he himself knew from personal experience and realized that making fun of Benni’s gayness would just backfire.

About halfway through painting Benni’s thumb, Sophie grew bored and thought that a better activity would be to stand on her head on the couch.

“Hey, you’re gonna mess up your nails, little miss,” Benni frowned. “And you’re upside down.”

“No, you are!” Sophie giggled.

“I’m right side up. YOU’RE upside down,” Benni said, and he picked her up so she was dangling by her feet, her hair fanning all over the place. “You’re silly.”

“No, YOU are!” Sophie argued back, and she wiggled out onto the floor, righted herself and tackled Benni onto the couch by climbing all over him.

“Oomph!” Benni grunted as he received a kick to the stomach from a flailing foot. Mats shot him an apologetic look and was about to pluck Sophie off of him, but Benni just laughed. He was clearly enjoying the attention because for once, it was him who Sophie wanted. So Mats let them be, thinking that Benni deserved it.

Sophie eventually managed to steal Benni’s hat and she looked nothing short of adorable. It fell over her eyes because it was too big and her cheeks were rosy from all the scuffling about. Her happiness nearly matched that of Benni’s, whose smile was so big his face nearly broke in half and the sight of the two of them made Mats’ heart want to burst.

\---

Mats slept like a delirious log that night after Benni left. His dreams were full of bright hazel eyes and sushi rolls and piles of unread textbooks and never ending stacks of canned goods and tall flames of fire, licking at spitting out at him and this was when he woke up in a cold sweat.

“Dammit,” he grumbled after getting over the initial shock. He was too old to be having nightmares, and he was _definitely_ too old to be wanting to call his mom because of them.

He stumbled into the kitchen for a drink, ramming his hip by accident into the corner of the table in the process. The number of times this had happened before and the fact that he still hadn’t moved the table was laughable, but Mats didn’t laugh. Instead, he cracked, ending up with his knees on the floor and his hands on his knees, his head hung low and an uncomfortable lump in his throat that he tried to swallow back down but wouldn’t go away.

The last thing in the world he needed right now was to have an existential crisis at three in the morning when his daughter was fast asleep in the other room. But if he’d ever thought he’d reached his wit’s end before, he had been wrong.

 _I’m dropping out of school first thing tomorrow,_ he thought wildly. The only good thing that had come out of it was Benedikt. He couldn’t do this anymore. He couldn’t study and work and pay the bills and please his boyfriend and take care of the human being he created, all at the same time. It was tearing him apart from the inside out. Something had to go, and all the other options were ruled out without a second thought. He couldn’t stop working. He loved Benni too much to leave him. And he already had Sophie, and he hated himself for all the thoughts about her that plagued him—that he shouldn’t have had her, how different, how _normal_ his life might’ve been if he’d just got his degree on time instead of doing things in reverse, and how because of it he had a permanent responsibility that grounded him to no end. There was no going back, no fresh starts, no moving on, and all because of an innocent young blond haired girl.

How selfish it was to blame his problems on his daughter, who had no choice in the matter.

Mats didn’t have a choice anymore, and Sophie wouldn’t be able to make her own choice until she was much older. Benedikt, on the other hand, had all the choices in the world. He was a young, educated and handsome man who wasn’t rooted to anything or anyone. And he had money, too.

Mats thought it was a bit insensitive for Benni to wish he’d majored in physics or chemistry instead of math right in front of him. That was like whining about being fed lamb instead of duck when the person across from you is eating boiled cabbage. But of course, sensitivity had probably been the last thing on Benni’s mind when he’d been in the middle of regretting his own decisions. Maybe Mats was the insensitive one for thinking Benni didn’t have the right to be upset just because his life was seemingly better.

After about two minutes, moaning in his bed seemed for some a reason a whole lot more dignified than moaning on the kitchen floor, so Mats picked himself up, slumped back to his bed and crashed face first onto his pillow, then let out an ungodly wail which he prayed was muffled at least somewhat.

It had seemed impossible that his heart rate would ever fall back to normal, that the dread and resentment embedded deep in his chest would ever budge, but it did. A good long cry had certainly helped with the cause, as had the idea that dropping out of school would lift a significant weight off his shoulders (at least for the time being, until he realized that he actually should’ve just stuck it through and finished).

He called both of his parents in turn, who didn’t answer, and then he called Benni, who also didn’t answer. This was no surprise seeing as it was nearly four in the morning. He was too exhausted to be disappointed though, and eventually drifted off to an undisturbed sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think :)
> 
> P.S. I've decided to start accepting some requests. Send em in if you want. Can't guarantee I'll write it but I'm feeling inspired, just need a little push. [if it's Hömmels or at least contains Mats or Benni I'm probably even more likely to write it :)]


	13. Wounded Wings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mats continues to learn more about Benni, his fears and his desires.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! I got up a new chapter in two days, go me!
> 
> The drama should be coming to an end in the next chapter. I think 15 will end up being the epilogue. Thank you for sticking with me :)

**february. saturday**

Mats woke up the next morning to the sound of his phone ringing. It was his mother.

For a moment, he had forgotten. And then he wondered why he was so heavy and sleepy and warm in his bed if Benni wasn’t by his side and remembered.

“Hi mama,” he greeted her, trying to muster some early morning enthusiasm into his voice.

“Hi, Mats. Is everything okay?”

She sounded worried, and reasonably so seeing as the son with whom she had assumed a temporary speaking hiatus had given her a call at half past three in the morning. Mats had to think fast.

“Yeah. Was just calling to tell you...erm. I have a boyfriend.”

A sigh on the other end, which translated roughly into _so you were drunk off your ass again last night and had sex with some random guy whom you will try to ‘make it work’ with for two days until you both give up and admit to yourselves that okay, maybe you shouldn’t have had sex because you don’t actually like each other._

“He’s a professor!” Mats chimed in, defensively.

“What happened last night, Mats?” she pressed.

This was going all wrong. She didn’t believe him, and because Mats understandably wasn’t revealing the real reason he had called, he didn’t really feel like making her. But he also had a strong desire to tell her about Benni, and not just that he existed. He wanted to tell someone about him, the way he always tried not to smile and bit his lip but couldn’t help smiling, the way a little crease would appear between his eyebrows when he knit them together … How he ignored the social norms when he began to flirt with his student, and how he didn’t give up when he found out that certain student had a child and instead devoted himself even more. And who else was he going to tell? Not Manuel—he seemed to be understanding, but Mats wanted to keep the fragile friendship he had with him lighthearted. And it wasn’t like he had anyone else. The only other person he had was Benedikt himself.

“I have a boyfriend, mama. I just thought you and dad would want to know that.”

They talked for a long time. Mats’ mom eventually handed the phone over to his dad. They said that they were proud of him and that Benedikt sounded like a good guy. Mats promised that he would introduce them.

When Mats hung up the phone, he decided that he wasn’t going to drop out of school. He wasn’t sure if it was because he didn’t want to let anyone down, whether it be himself or his parents or Sophie or Benni or even Manuel, who thought it was awesome that he was trying to climb up the career ladder, or if it was because he hadn’t actually been serious last night in the midst of everything.

Yet something still had to go. A repeat of this past week couldn’t happen.

\---

It was the last day of February, and it was the time of year that tries to trick you into thinking spring is just around the corner but when you look, it’s really just another one of those sleep in your fuzzy socks kind of days.

Mats was eager to begin taking Sophie to the zoo again because she loved the animals and it was something that Mats was interested in too. A few weeks ago he’d given the aquarium a shot, but that had ended in utter chaos when Sophie decided she wanted to have one of those brightly colored fish as a pet and when Mats told her no because they were smelly and would probably die within a week, she threw an embarrassing tantrum right in the middle of the aquarium, resulting in Mats yelling at her a little bit because he was _frustrated_ , dammit, and creating quite a nightmarish scene. He ended up having to buy her one of those ridiculously priced glass ornaments from the gift shop in order to calm both her and himself down.

 _I’m turning her into a spoiled brat,_ Mats thought. It was hard not to give into her demands though when he himself had been a grumpy jerk all week due to the amount of work he had to do.

He searched the internet to vent out his frustrations and always felt better when he read that it was normal for young children whose parents weren’t together to occasionally act bratty because they constantly had to switch between the different lifestyles, and reminded himself that his girl was sweet and extremely sensitive to Mats the majority of the time, a maturity well beyond her age. She knew her parents and her life were different from her friends’, and she didn’t mind because she was loved and that was what mattered.

Today, however, there would be no visit to the aquarium or sledding expedition (Mats had braved the cold a few Saturdays ago to take Sophie sledding, which she had loved). He didn’t really feel much up to it after the past week, and the idea of spending the day relaxing in his stuffy apartment was much more appealing to both him and his budget. He couldn’t be Disneyland Dad forever.

So when Sophie woke up, set her up with Spy Kids while he made hot chocolate, adding a ridiculous amount of marshmallows to both his and Sophie’s cups, and spent the entire day at home without stepping a foot outside or thinking about anything that mattered for the first time in far too long.

He didn’t even think about Benedikt.

\---

Mats stayed up late that night, rereading one of those classics he’d been forced to read in high school (or more like reading, seeing as he hadn’t actually read the book when he’d been assigned to). He had taken a long, steamy shower, then lit a candle and crawled into bed with the book, escaping into it and forgetting about his own life.

He felt virtuous for once. Until about half an hour his reading, by the time the candle had started to make him drowsy, and he remembered two something that he had forgotten (because although books can be a good escape, they can also parallel your own life in strange ways).

Today was the last day of February. Benni’s birthday was in between today and tomorrow.

 _I forgot about his birthday,_ Mats realized, and although they were both in their late 20s and birthdays didn’t really matter anymore, it was still a big deal to forget about your boyfriend’s birthday. Just as it was a big deal to forget your daughter at school.

Looked like Mats was right back at square one.

He could hear the blood rushing through his ears as he threw his book down onto the bed, losing his page in the process. He grabbed his phone and called Benni.

“Hey.”

“Happy birthday, babe.”

“It isn’t my birthday.”

Mats swallowed heavily, unable to detect Benni’s tone and, naturally, assumed the worst. “Come on, lighten up. What’s got you all tied up in knots?”

“I’m celebrating tomorrow. Don’t you know it’s bad luck to celebrate early?”

Mats squeezed his eyes shut tightly and crossed his feet out of relief. “Doing anything fun?”

“Why? Do you have plans for me?”

Shit. “Uh.”

He knew that Benni was pursing his lips on the other end.

“Okay, listen. I know you forgot about my birthday up until now, so stop trying to play it off.”

“Baby, no—”

“I’m not mad. I’m just happy that you remembered now. I really am, because you don’t even know much my birthday gets ignored just because it technically doesn’t exist. And you’re not late because like I said, celebrating early is bad luck. So thank you.”

Benni was making Mats nervous. He sounded sincere but disappointed nonetheless, and Mats was worried he was going to explode at any moment.

“So you don’t have plans?”

“No, I don’t.”

“Well, how about doing something with me?”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know. Whatever you want. We could see a movie?”

“Sure.”

“Alright. Well.”

“See you tomorrow.”

“Yep. See ya.”

Mats kept holding the phone to his ear even after Benni had hung up. What an awful phone call. It was like he’d been talking to a phantom and not his boyfriend. His chest contracted with unease.

He couldn’t blame Benni for being pouty. It’s easy to think you’re missing out on a lot when you haven’t experienced something. But he wished that Benni had been a little more vocal about his disappointment so he could’ve at least spoiled him instead of just feeding him stiff words.

That was the thing with Benni. He liked to cover up his emotions and it bugged Mats to no end because wasn’t that what he was here for? He knew Benni _had_ emotions because he’d seen them all before—but it was rare that he actually opened up about them, let any of them linger for more than a few minutes.

Mats hoped to God it wasn’t because Benni wasn’t fully comfortable around him.

\---

**march. sunday**

Thankfully, Benni was back to his usual chirpy self the next day. He was all smiles as he climbed into Mats’ car.

“I didn’t know you had all these suspicions about celebrating early and all that. You seem like, you know. The logical type,” Mats greeted him. “No offense.”

“I’ve celebrated on March first twenty-two times and ended up with you, so I wouldn’t discount anything,” Benni replied lightly.

Mats stared straight ahead at the road despite the pleasant squeeze in his stomach. He wondered what on earth it was that Benni saw in him, but didn’t really feel like discussing it right now. “Okay, birthday boy. How old are you now? Six?”

“Six and three-quarters, thank you very much.”

“So you’ll be the same age as Sophie next year. Wait till I tell her, she’ll get a kick out of that.”

Benni rolled his eyes but asked habitually, “how is she doing?”

“Giving me a bit of a hard time lately, but she’s good. Happy, I hope.”

“You’re a good dad.”

Mats hadn’t realized how desperately he needed to hear that until now. He was so pleased that he didn’t notice the unmistakable hint of sadness in Benni’s voice.

\---

Although the custody arrangement sucked a lot of the time, one of the great things about it was that Mats could do stuff like this without leaving his daughter behind and feeling guilty about it. He was a full-time parent with part-time responsibilities. And no matter how catty he and Sophie’s mom had acted towards each other in the past, he knew that he was lucky because he didn’t have to stress about Sophie ever not being in good hands when it wasn’t one of his four days.

Of course, it wasn’t going to last forever. When Sophie got older and was tired of being shipped back and forth all the time, she was going to have more of a say in what she called her home. Granted, she would be old enough to take care of herself by that time, but the thought of being a single dad for _real_ made him anxious. If Sophie were to choose her mother, on the other hand, Mats would simply be heartbroken. Sophie was the one factor in his life that both kept him sane and drove him batshit crazy.

He didn’t have to worry about that now, though. All he had to worry about was the soft skin of the hand enclosed in his own. He ran his thumb over Benni’s knuckles, wondering if he should lean in and kiss him or if Benni would be annoyed because he was focusing on the movie.

They couldn’t have kissed in that moment, anyway, because Benni’s mouth was preoccupied with one of two straws from the large soda they were sharing. Mats thought he looked precious with the oversized cup sat safely between his two hands and his eyes wide and intent on the movie, the light from the screen making his face bright and pale, his cheeks defining themselves as he drank.

Mats wasn’t thirsty, but he leaned over the armrest which separated them in order to get a drink. His nose bumped Benni’s and he bit his straw to suppress a laugh, blowing bubbles into the soda in the process.

“You’re so cute,” Mats couldn’t help saying, and it was a wonder how he managed to resist pinching Benni’s cheeks along with it.

Benni put the drink back in the cupholder and leaned his forehead against Mats’. “No, I’m freezing,” he pouted.

“Do you want my jacket?”

“You mean _my_ jacket?” Benni corrected him.

Mats looked down, confirming that yes, he was wearing the jacket that Benni had loaned him back in October, and he was about to instinctively apologize when Benni interrupted.

“Shhh, I’m just kidding. I don’t need it. And besides, you look better in it than I ever did.” He reached for Mats’ hands, squeezing them both tightly while the latter shook his head in silent disbelief at his luck.

Mats’ teeth chattered at the very touch; Benni’s hands were so icy and dry that they felt foreign. “Are you really that cold, baby?”

Benni nodded unabashedly, and Mats didn’t blame him one bit because it wasn’t as if movie theaters weren’t notoriously over-air-conditioned. He was getting the vibe that Benni expected him to do something about it though, and if he wasn’t going to accept the jacket then Mats was out of ideas. Here was his chance to be the one taking care of Benni for once as Benni was always the one pressing glasses of water to his lips and insisting that he get some rest, and all he could do was sit here baffled.

“Do you have any lotion?” Mats asked quietly, telling himself that it wasn’t that crazy an assumption seeing as Benni carried around chapstick.

“Good idea,” Benni muttered, reaching into his pocket and producing a small tube of hand cream.

“Gay,” Mats said jokingly as Benni squeezed a dollop onto his palm.

“Says the guy who happily works at Macy’s,” Benni fired back, wiping the lotion aggressively onto Mats’ cheek.

“I wouldn’t say happily …”

“But out of all the places you could’ve applied for a job, you applied at Macy’s,” Benni pointed out. He used his sleeve to rub Mats’ cheek clean.

“Because I was running out of options,” Mats responded and was subsequently hushed angrily by someone sitting a few rows in front again because the conversation had been gradually growing in both volume and seriousness, so he continued in a low whisper: “I’ve worked at Wendy’s before and can honestly say that this is way better.”

At the same time, he knew he was only kidding himself. Some minimum wage jobs suck more than others, but the truth is that they all suck. Being permanently enshrouded in a cloud of sickening perfume is only a little bit better than being permanently covered in grease and burns.

Benni quieted Mats with a careless smooch, finding his hands once again and rubbing the excess lotion into them. Mats sighed slowly as Benni’s thumbs ran over a fresh blister. It stung.

“Let’s just watch the movie, my love. We can talk about this later.”

Mats agreed without a word. He simply let Benni continue to knead his hands as they refocused on the screen, and then he moved his arm around Benni’s chair, eventually slipping it around Benni’s back and letting his head fall to his shoulder. Benni pressed his cheek into Mats’ hair. He let out a little puff of air, causing a stray curl of Mats’ to flutter weakly.

It was easy to enjoy the rest of the date. Benni always made it easy.

“Warm enough now?” Mats barely whispered.

“Yes.”

\---

After Mats had dropped Benni off at his place and made sure he was inside, he left his blinkers on and called Manuel.

“I’m quitting.”

“What?” Manuel sputtered.

“I have to. I can’t go to school, take care of my kid, AND work.”

“You haven’t told Pep yet? You should give two weeks notice.”

“I’ll tell him tomorrow.”

“Are you quitting your other job too?”

“Yep.”

Manuel paused. “So … what’s your plan now?” _Your plan as in, how are you going to pay your rent._

“Benedikt.”

Manuel paused again, this time for a long time.

“Good luck,” he said at last.

“Thank you.” Mats forked his fingers through his hair.

“We’ll miss you here, man.”

“I’m sorry,” Mats said. “But we should still hang out and stuff after I leave.”

He knew that it wouldn’t happen. As much as he liked Manuel, he knew that it would be too hard to maintain a friendship once they had nothing in common anymore. But he said it anyway.

“Of course.”

“Alright, well I’ll let you go now. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

\---

**march. tuesday**

Telling Manuel that he was quitting had been a task far more arduous than actually quitting cold turkey. It was bittersweet. He’d stocked shelves with Manuel for nearly seven years and looking back on it, it was easy to glorify. All the grueling work put aside, anything that’s familiar can seem nostalgic. Call it false idealization of the past.

It looked like he was going to start going to the gym now, too, now that he would no longer be lifting boxes for a living.

And so he had given up his income, his independence, his one friend, _and_ his daily workout, and still knew that he’d somehow be better off this way. He trusted Benni enough.

\---

Despite this all having been Benni’s idea, telling Benni what he had done was even harder than telling Manuel because he felt needy and kind of pathetic. All the subtle hints in the world were dropped, yet Benni had never _said_ he’d be willing to support him and that’s what Mats had plainly assumed.

Mats was sitting at Benni’s kitchen table, one of his feet up on the chair next to him and his fingers pulling nervously at his own eyebrows. Benni was up and about, cleaning his counters with a wet rag.

“I should’ve told you before I quit. I’m sorry,” Mats repeated for the millionth time.

“I already said that it’s fine, Mats. Please, believe me. I’m happy to help you out. I have the money and even if I didn’t, I would still try to make it work somehow because I love you and I really care about the two of you.”

“Why are you so crabby, then?” Mats whined, quite childishly.

Benni stopped cleaning. “Do you really want to know?”

“Yes.” Mats resisted adding a _duh_.

“Okay. I guess I do feel a little taken advantage of, but only because you didn’t tell me first.”

“I understand,” Mats said numbly.

“I know that’s not what you meant … I guess I’m just a little disappointed. And, I don’t know, scared.”

“I don’t blame you at all,” Mats said, void of all emotion.

Benni turned away from Mats. He clutched the edge of the counter with both hands, tucked one of his knees under and bowed his head. Mats just watched him in stunned silence. He didn’t know if he should get up or just leave Benni be.

“Benni?”

Mats’ feet moved him next to his boyfriend by their own accord. He bumped his shoulder gently.

“What are you scared for?”

“Because, Mats … you do realize that we’re tied to each other now, right?”

“I could work part time,” Mats butted in. “I mean, I already was working part time, but I could just work like, once a week and—”

“That’s not what I mean.” Benni was still refusing to look at Mats, and his fingers were trembling.

“What do you mean then? Just tell me, this is ridiculous.”

At long last, Benni looked at Mats, who was surprised to see moisture rolling down his cheeks. He looked truly scared for the first time since Mats had known him. This was beyond nerves or discomfort; it was true fear.

“I’m talking about Sophie.”

“Oh, for god’s sake. What about her, Benedikt? She’s less than a quarter your size, what could possibly be so terrifying about her? I’m so tired of fighting with you all the time just because you’re scared of my daughter.”

Mats regretted his frustrated spiel even before he’d finished it. Benni let out a frustrated yell and disappeared into his bedroom, lifting his shirt up to his face.

“Benni, no—”

Benni had slammed the door and was shouting through it. “You can’t do this to her! I mean nothing to her!”

“That’s not true and you know it! You’re just insecure!” Mats shouted back. He tried to open the door, jiggling the doorknob even after it was clear that Benni had locked it. “Let me in.”

The door swung open obligingly and before Mats could look him in the eye, Benni had collapsed against him, hugging him so closely that Mats could almost detect his own heavy pulse through Benni’s body.

“Fuck,” Mats cursed.

After a few minutes, Benni eased his hold and Mats led him to go sit down on the bed. Benni fell back with a choking sob, staring up blankly at the ceiling. Mats sat next to him, careful not to disturb him in any way, and looked down at him.

It had never occurred to him that Benni had anything to be worried about. In Mats’ eyes, he was the one who was lucky to have Benni because who would be interested in someone like him who already had a kid? Benni could’ve easily found someone else, and not only had he wanted this initially, but he had continued to want it and stayed with Mats even after seeing the worst of him and his life. Nothing cemented the notion more, however, than seeing Benni terrified about losing him. Because Mats knew that that was what it was. Benni was worried that with everything Mats had going on, he was nothing more than a second thought. He was scared shitless that the universe wouldn’t welcome one more thing into Mats’ chaotic, overbooked life.

A child could easily be the deciding factor in who stayed and who went. A parent puts their child first, and if Benni didn’t fit in, then he would be the one who had to go.

Mats felt like an idiot. It had taken him far too long to put two and two together. If Benni was going to be the sole provider for the three of them, then that was the closest to a family they could get without any visits to the courthouse. And if that were the case, then it only made sense to move in together. Which, especially when you throw a child into the mix, is a big deal. A make it or break it kind of thing.

Benni was worried that this would be the thing that broke it, and Mats had to make sure it didn’t. He had to show Benni that he loved him, too.

“You’re okay. I’ll talk to Sophie,” Mats said quietly.

Benni blinked.

“She adores you. I know you can’t see it, but she doesn’t act the way she does around anyone but you.” Mats reached over to push his hair back from his forehead using just two fingers.

Benni stared up at him.

“It’s gonna be okay, I promise. We’ll figure it out.”

“I think this is all happening too fast.”

“Well, you may be able to afford to wait, but I can’t.”

Benni nodded and closed his eyes. “You’re right.”

Mats let his fingers fall across Benni’s damp cheeks, resting on his lips and then tracing them. He wanted nothing more than to see those lips break into a smile, but he settled for the feeling of Benni’s slow breath on the pads of his fingers for now.

\---

> **To my sweet, sassy, sexy, and smart Benedikt,**
> 
> **You are one of the best things that has ever happened to me and I still can’t believe I can call you mine. I never would’ve imagined being where I am today one year ago, and I don’t think I would’ve made it without your help. I still have a long way to go, but I hope—I know—that you’ll be with me for the ride. Thank you for being here for me not only when I can give you what you deserve, but the rest of time too. I hope you know that I’m here for you too, and you can talk to me about anything you need to. Don’t be afraid to be honest because all I want is for you to feel happy and comfortable around me. I really, really, really like you, Benedikt (and no, I’m not writing down that other word because I want you to hear me say it first, but you know what I mean). I hope that you had a good “birthday” (because you’re spending it with me haha). Next year when it’s your REAL birthday we can do something amazing. We can take a vacation, anywhere you want to go.**
> 
> **Happy birthday, and here’s to many birthdays to come,**
> 
> **From your annoying, grumpy, tired, greasy-haired boyfriend,  
>  Mats xoxox**

Benedikt was certain that he had memorized the note by this point, but he read it again anyway.


	14. I'm Going Where My Dreams Can Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where life is not reality // Benni opens up to Mats.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Chapter title borrowed from G. Love - Coming Home ~~and I also named one of the chapters in Lab Safety after this song because I just really like it~~ ]
> 
> I know I originally set the number of chapters to 15, but I've (obviously) changed it to 14. This is the final chapter of How to Sleep with Your Professor. Truth is, I mentally checked out of this fic a while ago, so I've decided that the epilogue will be posted as a new story (a sequel) instead of the 15th chapter. This'll give me more of a fresh canvas when I write it - don't worry though, Benni, Mats and Sophie will all still be there! So keep a lookout for that if you're interested :)
> 
> I've valued your comments and opinions on this story from beginning to end. They really mean a lot to me. If you haven't peeped up yet, now's your chance ;)

**may. friday**

One of the downsides about moving in with Benedikt Höwedes is that he loved fashion and shopping, and now that Mats wasn’t in the labor force anymore, he was dragged along to the majority of Benni’s shopping expeditions.

“I am _not_ going in there,” Mats declared as they were strolling by Macy’s.

“I wasn’t planning on it,” Benni reassured him.

“You’d better not be,” Mats said under his breath, but Benni heard him anyway and lowered his eyebrows, reaching for Mats’ hand.

“I won’t be much longer. Just breathe. And be patient.”

Mats sucked in a huge breath and then blew it out forcefully. Fortunately, they had to leave within the hour anyhow to pick up Sophie from school, so they couldn’t stay _that_ much longer.

Mats didn’t even pay attention to the next—and hopefully last—store that Benni dragged him into. He just followed the blond man around, running his hand along the fabric of all the preppy clothing on the racks as they winded through the aisles. Shopping made him aggravated as hell, whether it was grocery shopping or any other type of retail, and it may or may not have been totally related to the fact that he’d spent so many nightmarish years working in the industry.

He wasn’t working anymore, though. He was with Benni, and he wasn’t here to gather a paycheck, and it was supposed to be fun.

While Benni was sifting through a pile of folded shirts, Mats sat down practically on top of them, pulling his foot over his knee with one hand and turning over his half empty bottle of soda in the other.

Benni fixed Mats with an expression that resembled partial annoyance and partial pity.

“I’m okay, Benedikt,” Mats said stiffly before Benni could ask if he was. “I just hate shopping.”

“No you’re not okay.”

Mats just looked up at him tiredly, unable to argue.

“Here, come with me,” Benni insisted, and he pulled Mats back up to his feet then led him to the back of the store where the fitting rooms were.

“We’re together,” he announced to the attendant after informing her that he had three items. She raised an eyebrow but unlocked one of the rooms for them. Benni pushed Mats inside before closing the door behind himself.

“What did you do that for?”

“Let’s just loosen up a little,” Benni said calmly as he hung up the three shirts he’d picked out.

“Bene—wha— _no,_ actually, I’m not going to have sex with you in fitting room of Brooks Brothers—”

“Brooks Brothers?” Benni laughed as he took off his own shirt, throwing it carelessly over one of the hooks at the back of the door. “You really are out of it, aren’t you?”

“What? I don’t know where you shop,” Mats defended himself, but he was already ready to surrender because after his eyes had swept the length of Benni’s well sculpted chest, having sex in the fitting room sounded like a good idea, after all. He was already getting hard just thinking about it and ended up cupping his hand over his balls to relieve some of the pressure building up there, but all he earned himself was a scornful look from Benni.

“What?” he said innocently. “I changed my mind—”

Benni lifted his finger to his lip to prevent Mats from announcing their business to the world for a second time. “Now be patient while I try on these shirts and then I’ll see what I can do.” The corners of his mouth quirked up, and Mats had to summon all of his self control in order to not let out a moan at that sight alone.

Meanwhile, Benni was giggling, seemingly enjoying how easy Mats was and the complete control he had over him.

As Benni got started on the first shirt, Mats reached for the discarded one and pressed it to his face. God, how he loved this scent. It smelled like Benni and Benni’s laundry detergent and Benni’s sweat, and Mats loved it.

“Why don’t you put it on?”

Mats unburied himself from the shirt and stared incredulously at his boyfriend, who was once again shirtless.

“So you can shout about us having sex but you’re too shy to put my shirt on? You’re adorable,” Benni cooed. He took the shirt gently out of Mats’ arms and then helped him change into it, pulling Mats’ boring t-shirt over his head and replacing it with his own. He made sure to run his palm down Mats’ chest, feeling the heat of his skin and the heartbeat pounding through it, before he tugged the cotton shirt over his torso. Once dressed, he rotated Mats by the hips so he could examine himself in the mirror.

“I think you look handsome.”

“I think I look stupid.”

Mats lifted his arm and let it flop back down to his side. Quarter length sleeves and buttons. That was Benni’s thing, not his. Mats was a classless slob and preferred to stay that way.

But Benni was already putting on Mats’ t-shirt, and all his intentions to redress disappeared when he saw Benni wearing his clothes. He was usually so dressed up, so proud in his appearance, that to see him in just a plain old wrinkly off-white t-shit was kinda hot. Especially when it was Mats’ shirt and you could see the vein on his bicep …

Benni was now fussing about Mats, tucking his tag in and brushing his shoulders off and adjusting him to the point where Mats started trying to grab his hand and slap him away.

“Stop it,” Mats complained.

Benni pressed his lips to the pulse point in Mats’ neck. “I thought you wanted this?”

“Yes, but, can you not bite my ears, because that’s weird,” Mats said just as Benni began to do so.

“You like it,” Benni said without a hint of doubt in his voice. He licked around the outside of Mats’ ear before biting down again, and Mats had to swallow back down the noise his throat wanted to make. The blond’s hands had now ventured to the globe of Mats’ ass. He gave a sharp squeeze, causing Mats to both thrust his hips forward instinctively and smash his lips against Benni’s, his hands curling around the back of Benni’s head and weaving in and out of his hair.

They were both unshaven, and, oh god, Mats had totally forgotten how good it felt with Benni’s stubble rubbing against his. It was rough and grubby and exactly what Mats wanted. Benni’s watch was digging uncomfortably into his skin but he didn’t care, all he cared about was the man he cared about so much smooching the life out of him. He felt numb with Benni.

\---

When Mats, Benni, and Sophie were at the grocery store later, a friend of Benni’s whom Mats recognized from his Christmas party decided to grace them with his presence, throwing his arm around the both of their shoulders as he approached from behind.

“Nice lips, Höwedes,” he said with a devilish grin on his face.

Benni reached up to touch his lips, horrified, and Mats hadn’t even noticed how swollen his own lips were until just now.

“Get lost, Thomas,” Benni mumbled.

“That’s got to have been pretty recent, yeah?” Thomas smirked.

Mats just reached up to the top shelf to acquire his boyfriend’s favorite soup base because all they had been doing was kissing, thank you very much. No funny business in public. At least not yet.

“And who’s this?” Thomas continued while Benni shot daggers at his friend.

“Sophie,” Sophie piped up.

“She’s mine,” Mats said proudly as he stuck the carton into the shopping cart.

Thomas looked at Mats. “And we haven’t formally met, have we? I’m Thomas Müller, friend of Benedikt’s.”

“Mats Hummels. Boyfriend of Benedikt’s.”

They shook hands, and Mats decided that he liked Thomas as soon as he asked Sophie how she was and engaged her in a conversation about how boring grown-ups could be.

“Alright, well, pleasure running into the two of you. And you really look good together, you know that?” Thomas thumped both of them on the back simultaneously on the back before disappearing down the aisle, whistling heartily.

“He’s obnoxious, but it’s impossible to not like him.”

“Your friends are an interesting bunch.”

“I don’t have too many friends,” Benni said modestly.

Mats snorted. “I have _no_ friends.”

“But you have me.”

“And you’re all I need,” Mats said. And it was true at this point. Benni was his best friend and his shoulder to fall on. He hadn’t had anything like this ever before, so he was truly grateful for it. He was never alone.

Which is why he couldn’t really comprehend why Benni refused to walk next to him for the remainder of the shopping trip. Sophie had gotten tired of walking and climbed onto Mats’ back for a piggy back ride while Benni pushed the cart several feet ahead, throwing things into it as he went, and all Mats could do was pick out a few of his and Sophie’s favorite junk food items and slip them in occasionally.

\---

To Sophie’s delight, they stopped for ice cream at a diner once the grocery shopping was finished. Mats slid into a booth next to his daughter while Benni sat opposite. He handed Sophie her vanilla cone with rainbow sprinkles and set a classic sundae in front of Benni before digging into his own brownie sundae.

“Oh!” Sophie exclaimed when she was about halfway through the process of smearing ice cream all over her face. “Daddy, can I have my backpack please?”

“It’s in the car, sweetheart,” Mats said at the same time he was trying to hold back a burp, except he was only partially successful on account of talking kind of ruined the process.

Sophie cracked up because when a grown up does something they’re not supposed to do it’s just that hilarious.

“That was attractive,” Benni said.

Mats couldn’t tell if he was joking or not, so he just excused himself and asked Sophie to please use a napkin to wipe up her mess once she had finished.

\---

As soon as they were back in the car, Sophie began to fish through her backpack and produced a sheet of paper.

“Here! It’s for you and Benni,” she announced, climbing out of her booster seat to give it to Mats, who lay it flat against the wheel.

> _My name is Sophie. I have curly eyes and blue eyes. My favorite color is purple. My favorite food is Oreos. When I grow up, I want to have lots and lots of money. I’m special because I have two daddies and a mommy._

It was mounted over a piece of thick purple construction paper, and Mats didn’t know whether the reason his mouth was completely dry was because of Sophie’s future aspirations, the fact that she considered Benni one of her dads, or the drawing of all four of them together, in the same picture.

“Do you like it?” Sophie asked excitedly, looking for her father’s approval.

“I love it. My little artist,” Mats managed to say. Then he slipped the piece in front of Benni. “Babe. Look at this.”

Benni said nothing as he took the paper, glanced at it, then resumed leaning against the window.

“Okay then,” Mats muttered angrily. He started the car far more aggressively than was necessary and took off towards Benni’s place. _Their_ place. It had been nearly two months and Mats was still getting used to the concept. Sophie was the one he’d been worried about, but he was the only one having adjustment difficulties.

When Mats pulled into the parking lot, Benni still hadn’t spoken a single word. He didn’t get out of the car, either, so after Mats had grabbed as many grocery bags as he could, he went around to the passenger seat and opened the door.

“What the fuck is your problem?”

“I’d watch your language in front of _your_ daughter,” Benni said sharply.

“Oh my god, shut up. You can be such a bitch sometimes. And she _is_ mine, thank you very much. I literally created her, so stop whining. You think it’s all so fucking _easy_ ,” Mats snapped before kicking the door shut again and turning to a frightened Sophie.

“Let’s go inside,” he said dismissively.

Sophie sniffled, but followed Mats inside the building, and it wasn’t until they made it up to the flat that she tearfully asked if Benni was alright and if he and Mats were mad at each other.

Mats set down the groceries, grimacing as he weighed his options. He looked at his daughter, then back at the groceries, and then settled on telling her the truth.

He sighed, sat down at the table, and pulled Sophie gently so she was standing between his knees. She placed her tiny hand on Mats’ forearm.

“Alright. Look.” He squeezed his eyes shut. How was he going to explain this when he didn’t even know what it was that he had to explain?

“Okay. First off, I’m sorry that I swore and I’ll try my best to not do it again.”

That was more of a statement to satisfy himself than for Sophie, but she nodded anyway.

“You know how you have me and mommy, and I have you, and we’re a family?”

Sophie nodded.

“Well, Benni isn’t a father like I am. So. It bothers him. He’s upset. I think he wants to be a father, but …” Mats trailed off, hoping that Sophie would be satisfied and he wouldn’t have to finish because he felt both stupid and uncomfortable. He had never vocalized any of this before, let alone to his six-year-old.

“But what?” Sophie asked curiously.

Mats almost forgot to breathe. “But he can’t. And I don’t think he will be.”

Sophie looked pensive, as if she were taking this all in and Mats wondered if he really should’ve told her.

And then: “Benni can be _my_ daddy if he wants.”

Mats gulped, choosing not to respond to that one for now.

“Now, when Benni comes back inside he’s gonna be angry, and we might, um, yell at each other a bit, but I don’t want you to be scared, okay? Could you go and play in your room while I talk to him?”

“Okay,” Sophie said in a tiny voice.

“Kiss?”

She climbed up and placed her hands on Mats’ shoulders, letting him kiss her traipsing off to her new room in Benni’s apartment. It had been converted from an office space, but it was still bigger than her old room and she had had a lot of fun getting to design it herself. The place in fact, was more spacious than their old apartment despite the extra person.

Mats thought about the move-in, how nonchalant Sophie had been about it. It wasn’t until then that Mats realized that home to her wasn’t the physical building—maybe because she had already been jumbled around so much in her life. Instead, what she cared about was being with people who showed her love, and this all came as a great relief to Mats.

They say you never really get to know someone until you live with them. While living together had its perks and conveniences, Mats also discovered how annoying it was. Putting aside all the morning cuddles and breakfasts in bed, Benni stayed up far later than he and Sophie did, which was a conflict in itself. There were also an infinite number of annoying habits to be discovered, such as how Benni always drank directly from the milk carton and how Mats never filled up the dirty pans with water after he used them so it made doing the dishes that much more difficult. And of course, arguing is inevitable when you live with another person, especially when that person is your significant other and you’re under no obligation to avoid conflict at all costs. So they got into petty arguments, and then they got over it, and Sophie quickly learned to tell the difference between a _real_ argument and one about who hadn’t restocked the toilet paper. Overall, it was a positive situation. It bothered Mats that he wasn’t contributing financially, but Benni insisted that it made no difference in the rent he was already paying and that Mats had enough on his plate with both school and being a father.

Mats wondered when Benni was going to come back. If he’d even come back tonight. No doubt he was going to be angry. Why couldn’t he just get over it? They’d been through this so many times—

Frustration surged through Mats at the thought. No matter how many times both he and Sophie reassured Benni about his fears, he just didn’t get over it.

Mats was about to go and check in on Sophie (because he felt pretty shitty for just shooing her away like that when she was fairly shaken up) when he heard the door unlocking. He braced himself for the shitstorm that Benni would surely be as soon as he stepped in, but all that happened was the bedroom door opened and shut again without another noise being uttered.

Mats sighed. His life was no doubt a never ending soap opera, but boy could it be worth it sometimes.

“Benedikt,” he called, staring at the floor tiles.

No response. Mats swore, then got up and headed to the bedroom, raking his fingers through his hair as he did so.

He knocked twice. “I’m coming in. Just warning you. I hope you didn’t lock the door because that’ll piss me off.”

Mats entered and found Benni crashed at the end of the bed.

He almost would’ve preferred for Benni to leap up and start shouting at him. That was the Benedikt Mats was used to—the Benedikt that bottled down all his feelings and rereleased it as anger.

This was a scene painfully familiar to that of a quarter of a year ago, except for Benni had still refused to crumble in that one, and now it looked as if he were finally crumbling and Mats realized that he actually had no idea what he was supposed to do.

“Benni, Benni, Benni …”

He sat down at the edge of the bed, pulling Benni upright with great difficulty and hugging him tightly. Benni wasn’t even crying yet and Mats already hated this.

“I’m sorry … I’m so sorry … I never meant for you to feel this way.”

Benni’s throat was trembling. He looked Mats in the eye, and they were bloodshot and his eyelids were heavy.

“Please just talk to me. Say something.”

Mats watched Benni swallow, except it seemed to get caught on the way down because he coughed instead, so Mats hit his back, and the coughing gradually turned into crying and Mats began to rub Benni’s back instead.

Mats hated this. He’d never seen Benni like this before, and it scared him. He pulled Benni even closer to him so that their cheeks were pressed together and Mats could feel the tears on his own skin and taste their saltiness on his lips. They might’ve been Benni’s or his own, he didn’t know.

Benni sobbed for a while and Mats just rubbed his back, praying that this would end soon and that Benni would say something. Finally, Benni emerged. He lifted his shirt to dry his face off and dropped it, smiling grimly at Mats.

“Thank you,” Benni said, his voice a little rough but at least it was working now.

“I only want you to be happy,” Mats said.

“I am happy, Mats. I know it doesn’t look like it right now…” Benni shook his head and laughed feebly, sending a few more tears down his cheeks. “But I’m happier than I’ve ever been with you.”

Mats placed his hand on Benni’s jeans, drawing small circles with his finger. He believed Benni. You could be the happiest person in the world and still, nothing would ever be absolutely perfect. But happy was enough.

“Do you want to talk about what’s bothering you?” Mats coaxed.

Benni considered this. He exhaled slowly, shutting his eyes as he did so, visibly releasing all the tension in his body. “Okay. It’s not your fault. It’s just a me-thing.”

“Mhm.”

“I guess I’m just a little envious, and I know I shouldn’t be because having a kid isn’t all fun and games. I’ve seen that firsthand and I admire the way you’ve handled everything. It turned your life around, and I don’t envy you for that, but I just… okay, I just always wanted to have a baby one day, and you know…”

He gestured between the two of them and Mats. “Now I can’t.”

“Don’t say that.”

“I can’t, Mats! _We_ can’t.”

“I know. And I’m sorry. But it is what it is. You have me, and you have Sophie, too. We both love you. I love you.”

Benni blinked, and Mats just wanted to gather him in his arms all over again and never let go. Instead, he took Benni’s hand and ran his thumb slowly over Benni’s thumb. He felt like there was something else Benni wasn’t telling him.

“There’s something else,” he said.

“There is,” Benni replied simply.

“What is it?”

“I—I just. Okay. It’s not just about raising a kid. It’s about raising a kid … and doing a better job than my dad did. Not that he didn’t do a good job. I just wanna be … better. I feel like I missed something growing up, but if I could at least provide what I missed to my own kid than that would make up for it.”

Benni paused, and Mats pondered this. It made perfect sense, so much sense that Mats couldn’t believe he hadn’t figured it out on his own before instead of having himself convinced otherwise.

But it was too late now. And that was okay, because Benni had finally released his frustrations and they could move on. Maybe Benni wouldn’t ever have exactly what he’d wanted, but Mats would do his damn best to give him most of it.

“Can I bring Soph in here?” Mats asked after a while, a little timidly. But Benedikt looked almost relieved at the suggestion, and when she trailed in behind Mats and headed straight for his open arms, he positively lit up, smiling down at her as if she were his own.

“Hey Soph, how do you feel about Benni and I getting married?”

Benni’s head shot up and his mouth fell open wildly, probably to point out to Mats that they had been together for a grand total of approximately three months and that planting ideas in a six-year-old’s head wasn’t the wisest move.

“But you’re both BOYS,” Sophie said, looking between the two of them incredulously.

It was very hard for Mats to not burst out laughing, but he had an idea and needed to get Sophie to cooperate if it was going to work. “But I thought you said that you’re special because you have two daddies?”

“I do. You,” she said, pointing at Mats and then whipping around to face Benni. “And Benni!”

“But how is Benni your daddy too if I’m not married to him?” Mats pushed her on, ignoring all the looks his boyfriend was throwing at him.

“You’re not married to my mom,” Sophie shrugged as if this didn’t matter to her one bit. “It doesn’t matter. He’s nice to me and he makes me lunches for school instead of just giving me money for the cafeteria and I love him.”

Mats felt a swell of guilt, but he would be lying if he were to say that it wasn’t worth the smile that was on Benni’s lips and the tears of pure happiness sliding down his face. He sat down next to him, kissed the moisture off his cheeks before picking up Sophie and engulfing all three of them in a massive group hug.

“Daddy, you’re _squishing_ me!” Sophie cried out, but she was giggling and seemed to be thoroughly enjoying all the attention.

“I love you two so much,” Mats said, and he didn’t even care how sickeningly mushy-gushy he was being because it was the truth. He may not have had his dream job or live in his dream city or make enough money to travel the world, but he had a family. And a pretty damn good one on that note.

Mats knew that he’d finally reached the beginning of a journey to peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's all she wrote, folks. Thanks for everything ♥


End file.
